Lead us not into temptation

Did I Just Commit Adultery?
By: Joseph Walther

I am always on the lookout for material for this column. While there is never a shortage, sometimes God just hands me—no strings attached—some of the best stuff I could hope for, REALLY! This happened last Wednesday evening inside of Barnes and Nobel Booksellers located in the Concord Mall, Wilmington, Delaware. I stumbled upon one of those open discussion groups. The discussion leader was a woman who appeared to be in her mid-to-late 50s and affiliated with one of the local church groups. There were six participants consisting of a late 60s to early 70s male, three women who could easily pass as members of the late 20s to late 30s range, another male who was about my age, early 60s, and a woman who had to be in her mid-eighties or older. The discussion topic was; I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP; “Sex outside of marriage.”

I must have given some non-verbal indication of my interest in the topic because the discussion leader told me that anyone could join and invited me to do so. As I took a seat, I swear that I had the sincerest of intentions of remaining on my best behavior. These seemed like nice people and, who knows, I could learn something! Everything was fine; right up until the discussion leader began to speak.

“Let us begin our discussion with a short prayer”, she said. My heart skipped at least two beats. While none of the group said anything, I am sure everyone must have seen my face light up like a super-nova. I said to my self, “Oh boy, so much for my good intentions. This is going to be a riot. Why I might even need bail money before the night is over.” I also saw the eighty-five year old woman roll her eyes and send one me of those grins. You know the kind I mean. It was definitely one of those “You want to take this one sonny?” type of look. I quickly returned my best “Yes, why thank you” grins.

After the opening prayer, the discussion leader asked whether we could all agree that men and women view sex differently. The responses ran the gamut of mild agreement to smirking vulgarity. One of the younger females shook her head in absolute agreement. The eighty-five year old woman said; and this is a direct quote; “bull shit”. The rest of the group, excluding yours truly, nodded with one of those half-assed “yeah” nods. I said that I would not state a position until she clarified her statement.

The “bull shit” comment shocked her. It was evident in her facial expression. It was a pained, on the verge of hysteria look. It was not unlike the expression you or I would develop in response to someone asking us to pick his or her nose! However, she recovered well and just ignored it. She responded to my reply. “I think it is an established fact that women, by and large, need a reason to have sex and men do not. Is that sufficient clarification?” Grace, the eighty five-year old, just rolled her eyes again and waited for my reply.

“Who established this as a fact? I’ve never heard Dr. Ruth say anything of the sort”, I replied. “Oh come on”, she gasped. “Dr. Ruth is a sex therapist. She is not concerned with the morality of sexual intercourse. Don’t you agree?” “No, I do not”, I said.

I went on to explain that while I concede that looking at Dr. Ruth makes me wonder how she gained all of that sexual experience, what she says makes a lot more sense to me than what self-appointed moralists have to say. I believe that both men AND women need a reason to have sex. Men, however, really don’t give a hoot about the reason and only a woman knows her own reason. And it is not, by a long shot, always reflective of the high moral standards all of you God people espouse.

Men and women are different. This is a biological fact of life. We don’t think alike and our very purposes for existence are different. My wife, for example, can sit though several hours of a movie or spend several days reading a book about a couple who want to have a relationship of a sexual nature but never actually have it. Men can’t do this. We can spend one, maybe two at the outside, minutes of yearning. After this, we expect to be naked.

“So, Joe, you don’t think that sex without love is an empty experience”, she asked. “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t”, I told her. I continued, “I’ll bet you that if you made of list of the top five “empty” experiences and asked one hundred people at random to list them in order of best to worst, sex would be rated best.” Grace sprayed a mouthful of coffee all over the place and the church lady leading the discussion just about burst a vein in her forehead.

“Are you married and, if so, for how long”, she asked. “Thirty six-years”, I replied. “Well, your wife must be a saint”, she said somewhat condescendingly “That’s what I have been told. In fact, I am convinced that she is not even going to die. She is just going to ascend right into heaven”, I exclaimed. I continued; “I suspect, however, that the reasons for us lasting thirty six-years have more to do with my not having to apologize for being a clod-hampered, sex crazed man and her not feeling compelled to lecture me on the sanctity of the sex act. There is nothing wrong with having sex simply because it feels good!” Grace then asked me what I was doing later.

By now, there had to be twenty-five or thirty people gathered around our group listening with raptured interest! I was beginning to feel like I was doing stand-up comedy. I apologized to the church lady and explained that she was the unfortunate brunt of years of pent up frustrations with the God people. Having been born a Roman Catholic, I lost count of the number of times I was told that “impure” thoughts were a mortal sin.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” is a downright sexist commandment. Does this mean that it is all right for a wife to covet her neighbor’s husband? And what about those husbands who covet their neighbor’s husbands? Or wives who covet their neighbor’s wives? Not only is the commandment sexist, it is also vague! I do not believe that God authored the Ten Commandments at all. It was that tight-assed Moses. He had all kinds of hang-ups and was making sure that, since he couldn’t get it up, no one else was going to be getting any, either.

Coveting is a mental process. The ability to covet and consume lots of alcoholic beverages are nature’s way of leveling the sexual playing field for ugly people. For God’s sake, even ugly people need sex and if circumstances force them to have it with other ugly people, thinking about a hot neighbor is a Godsend.

There are a number of things for the God people to get upset about. Sex is not one of them. Right now, in downtown Wilmington, Delaware, all people have to do is open their doors and yell out, “BRING ME SOME POT!” and it will arrive faster than Domino’s can deliver a pizza. For some reason the police are paralyzed to do anything about it. However, let a lone fourth grader bow his or her head, make the sign of the cross, and say a silent prayer before a math exam, and the ACLU will come out of the woodwork waving the Constitution in everyone’s face.

Perhaps if we could redirect the energy consumed by our obsession over who is getting laid, how often, and with whom, we would have enough to do something about the serious stuff. Who knows? Well, something’s reared it head. I have to go!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

Oh my GOD! You ended that sentence with a preposition!

Learnin People How to Rite Good
by: Joseph Walther


“I ain’t got no time to be learnin no stoodints how to talk good english or spel rite.”

This is a real quote from a real person. I am the one who wrote it. It constituted the opening sentence in a memorandum. The subject of the memorandum was “Writing Rules for the Truly Boring” and I addressed it to the head of the English Department at a local college. While I intended it as a tongue-in-cheek pun, this person simply did not get it. Most academics will never get it and are doomed forever to wonder why people do not write better. The reason, of course, is that by the time we finish with figuring out when and how to apply the rules, we have forgotten what we wanted to write.

Proper spelling is important and so is punctuation. If people have not mastered the use of a dictionary and the rules of punctuation by the fifth grade, there is a problem. The application of most of the grammar rules, however, become a matter of what you are saying and to whom you are saying it. It is far more important to be socially current and clear than a perpetual slave to rules that no longer apply. In other words, effect is often more important than protocol.

Like each of you, I ran the gauntlet of a seeming endless list of rules. We had to memorize twenty vocabulary words a week during my high school days. What words they were, too! I lost count of the number of times a day I have used such words as truculent, parsimonious, angst, paradigm, obfuscate, picaresque, seditious, and taxonomy. This went on for 4-years.

I remember Father Spragg from my days in high school at Salesianum. He was a stickler for not using split infinitives, the minimal use of passive voice, not putting statements into negative form, the careful proof reading of everything, and not starting sentences with conjunctions. Ending a sentence with a preposition would have sent him into a catatonic state. I had the misfortune of finding this out the hard way.

He had assigned us a short essay. The topic was up to us as long as it contained the theme of what we were going to do as adults. My father was constantly reminding me that my reaching adulthood was questionable, given the amount of angst –Wow; I finally got a chance to use that vocabulary word– I constantly subjected him to. Oh, shi… I mean shoot! Did I just end a sentence with a preposition? Oh well. Screw you, Father Spragg. Anyway, I decided to call mine “What I was going to be IF I grew up.” and make it a humor piece.

It was a terrific essay. The punctuation and spelling were flawless and it was quite humorous. Even my father liked it. Unfortunately, in the second to last paragraph I included the following: “I had no idea that my mother was a ventriloquist, so it was rather easy for her to convince me that my dog was telling me to kill my father. However, this was not something I was sure of.” He used an entire red marking pen on the fact that I had ended a sentence with a preposition and told me to write one paragraph listing his pet rules for writing. So, being a glutton for punishment, here is what I wrote.

“Remember to never split an infinitive. It is strongly suggested that the passive voice not be used. Do not put statements in negative form. Proofread carefully to see it you words out. Ending sentences with prepositions will not be put up with. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction!” Father Spragg had no sense of humor, in addition to being a jerk! I spent the next two weeks in detention. It was worth it, though.

There is only one reason to write and that is to say something. What you have to say may be serious or humorous. You may intend simply to inform or to instruct. The reason does not matter. As I said earlier, spelling and punctuation are important. Beyond these, if the intended readers cannot read it, understand it, or fall asleep from boredom, and you wrote it, you might want to consider teaching English for a living!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

You've Got Mail

Boy, Do I Get Mail!
By: Joseph Walther

It has been awhile since I have had a chance to share some of the email I receive. Most of it comes from people who agree or disagree with what I write. I receive other mail from people asking me to investigate one thing or another. Another category of email comes from people who ask for my opinion regarding things that may be going on in society in general. Some of it is quite sincere. A lot of it is just hilarious and I cannot resist the urge to answer it publicly.

Before digging through the email, however, I would like to make an announcement. A good friend of mine, Schitfrum Shyknolla, Ph.D., will be contributing as a guest columnist from time-to-time. Dr. Shyknolla, pronounced Shy knol la, is a Psychologist and will be writing about relationships and such. Frankly, I have never given much thought to the “moonbeam” sciences. To me, Sociology has always been comprised of taking off all of our clothes and jumping onto a pile, while Psychology has always been a means to figure out why. Obviously, I have been wrong all of this time.

Now let me turn my attention to some of the mail I have received because of this column. Keep in mind that I only provide the username and not the full email address. I would not want to carry a heavy conscience over the potentiality for some of these people being located.

From “theklawyer”...

He actually used his real name but I will not repeat it. Anyway, “thelawyer” was rather incensed over my “apparent” lack of respect for lawyers and DEMANDED an apology. “You speak of lawyers as though they are all a bunch of crooks. You owe a lot of lawyers an apology and I suspect that we will be getting one!” he wrote.

My reply…

Mr. “thelawyer”, I have never said that “all” lawyers are a bunch of crooks. I said that many lawyers are experts at obfuscating the simple facts. I don’t know whether it is a reading comprehension problem or a guilty conscience that causes you to accuse me of saying things I did not say. If you undertook the amount of research that I have relative to conduct among the professions, you would surely realize that the per capita sleaze factor is higher within the legal profession than in any other.

Such was not the case twenty-five years ago. On the other hand, when law schools spring into existence like pop-tarts, graduating anyone with a pulse and the money for tuition, I guess we need to expect too many lawyers chasing after too few litigation dollars. There will be no retraction or apology.

From “thk2189”…

“Why is it that the seemingly more inflated egos tend to belong to public figures?”

My reply…

First, there is nothing wrong with an ego. We all have egos. Without one, we would not last very long at all. Inflated egos, on the other hand, are another matter. In my opinion, this latter type of egotism is nature’s compensation for mediocrity. Politicians, Academics in general, and Public Administrators, particularly school boards, all tend to have egos the size of small galaxies and tempers to match. They write in passive voice, using too many words to express a few ideas. This all stems from a desire to project more intelligence than actually exists.

From “wally”…

“I read your stuff every week. Why the fuck are you so Goddam sure that evolution is a fact? You got something against xtrians and our bible? Who the hell left you in charge? On the other hand, your brains are probably more like a monkey’s than a God-created human!”

My reply…

Wally, I don’t know where to start. So let me begin with a correction and a clarification. I am sure “Goddam” is two words as in God dam. As a means of clarification, I am going to assume that “xtrians” means Christians.

I am not sure that evolution is a fact. I have never said as much. No one is sure that it is a fact. On the other hand, I AM sure that it scientifically explains many more of life’s questions than it does not. Evolution, over the 150 plus years since its publication, has withstood the scientific test of time repeatedly. Creationism and Intelligent Design, on the other hand, explain nothing nor can anyone scientifically test them.

Why, “wally”, do you and your ilk feel so compelled to make an either/or situation out of evolution and God? I’ll bet you anything that I have spent a lot more time contemplating the possible existence of God than you have relative to Him not existing. I realize that the horror of such a possibility is too much for you to contemplate.

I know thousands of Christians and count about 200 or so as friends. I like them very much and I think the bible is a wonderful book. On the other hand, the group that you refer to consist of nothing more than sanctimony-laden, clueless idiots, all on a perpetual tour of the absolute. If the shoe fits, “wally”, go ahead and wear it. Get some sleep; at least it will give you a chance to rest your knuckles from scraping on the ground as you walk. Does your reference to my brain and the monkey make me a monkey's uncle? If so, it beats being your uncle!

From “mrsdoubtfire”…

“I have read all of your columns. I think you are a good writer but you seem to be more of a pessimist than an optimist. Everything is not black and white and, just perhaps, if you would look at the bright side of things, the world would not seem so bleak.”

My reply…

While I am not sure if your email is complimentary or a criticism, I am going to assume the former. How is that for optimism? This said, my position on the subjects of pessimism and optimism is that you cannot win from either perspective. Do you realize, “mrsdoubtfire” that, technically speaking, it is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised? An optimist believes that we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist’s greatest fear, on the other hand, is that this is true! A guy just can’t win sometime!

Finally, I must share this last one. It is a classic and may go in my book as one of the all-time greats. This is impossible to make up!

From mongo1961

“I just seen your column on the web. You got to be some kinda queer lover. This is an abombination against God and it just aint normal. I aint full of hate or nothin like that. I just fel sorry for em. You rite prety good if it wernt for the queer stuff.”

My response…

Wow! I thought all of the Neanderthals were dead. I learned very long ago, “mongo1961”, not to attribute any words or deeds to malice when I can adequately explain them as a byproduct of stupidity. So, please be assured that I do not think you are mean or hateful. Flawed logic is a real problem. You have to remember this at all times. Using flawed logic amounts to nothing more than a systematic method of arriving at the wrong conclusion with confidence. Sometimes it is just better to keep quiet and let people think that you are a moron than to open your mouth and prove it. Why go to the added risk associated with being precise when you don’t know what you are talking about. It would do you well to remember that all things are possible ONLY to the grossly ignorant.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

Murphy didn't do nuthin. I swear!

I don’t get mad. I just get even!
By: Joseph Walther


I read an article the other day concerning Murphy’s Law. The author’s message was simple. Murphy is a stacked deck. No matter what we do to prevent disasters, Murphy will see to it that our efforts fail. The deeper I read into the article, the more convinced I became that its author had partaken of too much Kickapoo Joy Juice and that he would be more suited to a career in politics or public school administration.

Witnesses have placed Murphy at the scenes of every disaster known to humanity. He was, no doubt, aboard the space shuttle Challenger on January 28, 1986 when it exploded just 73 seconds after liftoff. Murphy was the only survivor. He was also aboard Columbia on February 1, 2003 when it disintegrated in flames upon re-entry, just about 16 minutes from its scheduled landing. Again, Murphy was the only survivor.

On May 25, 1979, Murphy found his way on board American Airlines Flight 191 out of O’Hare International in Chicago. That flight crashed on take off after losing an engine. Of course, American Airlines didn’t list him on the passenger manifest. Just the same, though, he was there! He was also a stowaway aboard the Titanic and an observer during the Columbine High School massacre in Colorado. In every instance, Murphy was the only survivor

Between December 12, 1952 and September 30, 1999, there have been twenty-one nuclear disasters throughout the world. Six of them occurred in the United States with two of those happening in the State of Tennessee. An additional six occurred in the old Soviet Union with two of them being in Chernobyl. Britain, Canada, Germany, and Japan all made their own contributions. Mr. Murphy, I hasten to add, was present in every one of them. He survived all of them.

Pick any disaster at random. While Mr. Murphy’s presence is undeniable, there is not a shred of direct evidence that he caused any of the disasters. Murphy is not an agent of cause. He’s just an observer and even this is not his day job. Mr. Murphy’s full time job is to be a constant reminder that NO ONE is capable of beating the Law of Averages. His law states this quite clearly. In essence, Murphy’s Law states that if anything bad can possibly happen, it will, eventually. Furthermore, when it does happen we are not going to find it trivial.

When we put enough human beings in close enough proximity to explosives, eventually something is going to blow up killing people and destroying property. Aircraft manufacturers short circuit safe procedures in order to cut costs. We know they do this because we have caught them in the act. They don’t do this with anticipated malice. It’s simply a question of odds. Regardless, it still amounts to a play against the Law of Averages. Unfortunately, when that law gets even, it will do so with a vengeance, taking a disastrous toll in human life and suffering.

This is exactly what happened in both space shuttle disasters. Likewise, in every nuclear disaster discussed earlier, the bets were always against the Law of Averages. Mr. Murphy has been trying to explain to us humans since the beginning of time that the Law of Averages will win one from time-to-time and when it does, it probably won’t be pleasant.

Whenever Eddy Ego engages in a sexual affair with Annabelle Arrogance, the resultant love child is a kid named Sylvester Stupidity. Since there seems to be no shortage of the Egos and the Arrogances, the stream of Stupidities tends to be endless. So, the continued and ill-advised bets against the Law of Averages are not going to diminish. Keep in mind, however, that the Law of Averages will still win one occasionally. When that happens, it will dwarf all of our intermittent wins combined!

Let’s all keep this in mind the next time we hear that the Islamic Terrorists do not have nuclear weapons or the next time we read a statement out of Washington, DC that Iran is years from nuclear capability. It also would pay us to keep it in mind the next time some of our elected officials (local and national) taut the safety aspects of seemingly dangerous operations.

Wow, speaking of an endless supply of Egos, Arrogances, and Stupidities… but more on politicians and public school administrators later!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net