Humor's supposed to be funny, but sometimes it's only stupid!

By Joseph Walther

I’ve participated in—for over a year, now—a political activist forum called NationalConstitutionalConvention06@yahoogroups.com. It’s a worthwhile group moderated by Eric Reinhardt.

Mr. Reinhardt is an intelligent, sincere American patriot who believes we need another Constitutional Convention to return the country to its proper focus.

I agree with him even though I don’t think it’s going to happen in my lifetime or his.

He works hard at his moderator duties. He’s patient, fair, and empathetic. And, while most of the participants are sincere, intellectually curious people with some great ideas, an occasional moronic gem slips through.

As infrequent as they are, they nevertheless tend to mock, if not seriously undermine, the intended tenor of the group’s purpose.

A piece titled “True American Humor” posted through the group on behalf of Mr. Eric Martin. In fairness to Mr. Martin, I’m not sure if he wrote the piece or simply posted it to be facetious.

Regardless, I present it here in its entire unedited, moronic splendor. But, instead of using quotes to enclose the piece’s words, I’ve put them in 10-point bold italics. My comments follow in regular 12-point Verdana font.

True American Humor

It is time to change from REDNECK humor to TRUE AMERICAN Humor!

Only it isn't seen as HUMOR, but the correct way to LIVE YOUR LIFE! If you feel the same, pass this on to your True American Friends. Y'all know who they are...

It’s presumptuous, not to mention arrogance personified, for you to declare the “correct” way for people to live their lives. What are your qualifications?

I’ve been an American for a very long time. I suspect that my wristwatch is older than you are. I have many friends in this country, all of which are TRUE AMERICANS.

But, I’ll not be passing this on to any of them because, in addition to thinking I’ve lost my mind, they’d ALL be grossly offended by this kind of thoughtless tripe.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: It never occurred to you to be

offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'

This has never offended me, but I’ve never put much stock in it, either. The first time I recited the Pledge of Allegiance was in April of 1946. The words, “under God” were not part of it.

While there were many attempts to include them, beginning about 1952, the words, “under God,” were not included until President Dwight D. Eisenhower signed a bill into law on June 14, 1954.

The details will give you a headache, but the rationale behind the movement had more to do with the Joe McCarthy’s “godless commie scare,” than it did with anything involving common sense.

Many, at the time, believed that atheism and communism were synonymous terms. While it was certainly true that most world communists were atheists, it was not so in North America.

Most North American atheists are NOT communists, but why confuse idiots with facts when they’ve already made up their minds.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.

I’d not waste a single second of my life protesting such a thing. It does not bother me one bit if people place the Ten Commandments in public places: courthouses, post offices, or anywhere else for that matter.

But, there’s a catch. Even though not all Americans believe in God, most claim to do so. Of those who do, approximately 75% identify with Christianity.

The remaining 25% identify with various non-Christian religions—all of which are official IRS 990 exempt-qualified. As such, they have the same rights as Christians have relative to displaying their religious tenets in public places.

It seems, however, that Christians who demand the right to share their religious views with the rest of us via public places, have absolutely no interests in reciprocity!

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'

I’m mid-way through the winter of my life. I’ve been around the world at least 9-times. I’ve been to every state in this glorious country, many of them several times. And, YET, I’ve NEVER had anyone wish me a “Happy Winter Festival.”

Mostly people have said, “Merry Christmas.” Not as frequently, but often, I’ve heard, “Happy Holidays.” But I’ve NEVER heard anyone say, “Happy Winter Festival.”

However, since I believe in respecting others’ beliefs, I find the greeting, “Have a great holiday!” to be quite convenient. But, for the record, I’ve NEVER wished anyone a “Happy Winter Festival.”

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You bow your head when someone prays.

This all depends on the location. During a religious ceremony to which someone has invited me, I respectfully observe all protocols. However, I do not feel compelled to bow my head because someone next to me in the library begins to pray.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.

I’ve always done this. I do it even while surrounded by TRUE AMERICAN REDNECKS who can’t remember to remove their stupid baseball caps. I also know ALL the words, in three languages, even though I can’t sing worth a hoot.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You treat Viet Nam vets with great respect, and always have.

I AM a Viet Nam veteran who served two combat tours in that hellhole. I have extremity scars from the first wound and a nasty chest scar from the second one.

And, while I’m at it, I want whoever wrote “True American Humor” to understand this. Neither my fellow combatants nor I fought in Viet Nam to protect America’s way of life. North Viet Nam was NEVER a threat to America.

America had treaty obligations and my generation was drafted to honor them. This, in itself, was legal justification for our involvement in Viet Nam.

The American people would have understood this and supported it. Instead, our government lied through its collective teeth about our reasons for sending troops there.

I was not proud of my government relative to Viet Nam. I thought lying about the reasons for our involvement was stupid and condescending, not to mention the fact that it caused several future generations to develop a legitimate DISTRUST for government.

And, worse still, our government has never stopped lying about such things, which is why people question motives even under seemingly legitimate circumstances.

Recall, if you will, that even after all of the “wolf-crying,” communism did not overtake the West after we left with our tails between our legs. I think Nixon referred to it as “peace with honor.”

Speaking for myself, I call Richard Nixon’s “peace with honor” pure, second-rate fertilizer and my HONORABLE discharge grants me the right to say so.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You've never burned an American flag.

I’ve burned a few flags. Burning is the proper way to dispose of a tattered and worn American flag. And, while I’ve never burned one in effigy, I have no problems with people who use the action as a means of legitimate political expression.

Again, my father and millions of other fathers, brothers, sisters, uncles, and aunts fought WWII, to the death for many of them, to make sure we all retained our freedoms of expression, whether we agree with the forms or not.

Even idiots who write stuff like “True American Humor,” continue enjoying the right to do so because of the World War II combatants, along with all who currently stand at the ready to defend such rights—even dying in the effort, if necessary.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You know what you believe and you aren't afraid to say so, no matter who is listening.

To this one I say, GROW UP. Compassion has a place even in legitimate criticism. Our believing something does not make it a fact.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You respect your elders and expect your kids to do the same.

“Elder” is not tantamount to “interesting.” People are either interesting or they’re not; age is irrelevant. Regardless of age, people must earn respect; we can’t compel it.

While neither my children nor I would treat elderly people unkindly, we’re not going to hand out respect based on impending transience.

You might be a TRUE AMERICAN if: You'd give your last dollar to a friend.

This one is senseless. People who are, themselves, broke, can’t help members of the “down on their luck” crowd. The idea is preposterously stupid!

If you got this email from me, it is because I believe that you, like

me, have just enough TRUE AMERICAN in you to have the same beliefs as those talked about in this email.

The sender of this email notwithstanding, I have nothing in common with whoever wrote “True American Humor.” People, who take the piece as a way in which Americans should live their lives, are the antipathy to what “true Americans” are all about.

God Bless the USA ! Amen.

AND PLEASE DO NOT FORGET TO SING THE NATIONAL ANTHEM IN ENGLISH.

See my comments above under “National Anthem.” I’ll sing it in whichever language I want.

English, while difficult for people to learn, is the most convenient and expressive one on Earth, especially in written form. It contains close to a million words while most others have less than 300-thousand words.

Prudent business people know this. They also know the sales effectiveness in the ability to speak multiple languages.

I have no qualms over voting English as the “official” language of this nation, but I don’t go into a catatonic state when people have difficulty speaking it with the same ease that I do.

Git'er done!!!!!!!! !!!!

This one puts the entire piece into proper perspective. The problem is that the actual catch phrase is, “Git-R-Done.” While a “True American” may know this, rednecks mostly do not.

Dan Whitney (Larry the cable guy) is a genuinely well-adjusted comedian who found a niche speaking and acting like a redneck. He’s made millions thanks to the fact that people like the author of “True American Humor” believe this stuff with the seriousness of a social documentary.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. You may comment on his column by clicking here.