Sex in the cafeteria... not to mention some OTHER stuff!

By Joseph Walther

I use a standard definition for “work.” I define it as anything I’d rather NOT be doing. As such, I’ve always earned my living, NOT by working but rather though the pursuit of my life’s passion. In such pursuits, I’ve never worked a day in my life.

Even though I’ve been long retired, my passion for scientific and legal research has yet to wane. I still do it, only now I do it on a voluntary basis for people who appreciate the effort.

The upside is that I can PICK my research projects, publish my findings and to hell with the nay-saying bureaucrats. And, the downside? I haven’t found one yet. But I have to admit that I have not looked very hard… not at all, actually.

I currently have three big projects going right now. The most interesting one, however, involves the criminal justice system, the courts, and the judges who preside over criminal cases.

It takes me into numerous courtrooms throughout the United States. However, as interesting as this is, I’ve come to realize that some of the most interesting stuff does NOT happen in the courtrooms, but rather in the courthouse cafeterias.

This past week I was in a courthouse in Ocean City, Maryland. The trial I was involved with had recessed for the day due to some legal technicalities. It was close to lunchtime, so I went to the cafeteria to get a bite to eat before leaving for the day.

I was seated at a small table—a two seater—located next to a larger, five seater table. About a minute later two people sat at the larger table. Both were courthouse employees. I could tell this from their conversation. They had brought their own lunches.

They tell us that opposites attract. These two were about as opposite as it gets in terms of physical attributes, but almost identical in terms of their emotional IQs.

One of them, a woman… 50ish or so… worked directly for one of the judges. Her lunch consisted of nothing more than a couple of slices of individually wrapped Kraft American cheese, one slice of whole wheat bread (dry), a pear, and a bottle of water.

The other diner was a man in his early 40s, about five-feet, six-inches tall. He had to weigh 350 pounds—MINIMUM. He pulled HIS lunch out of a full-sized shopping bag.

The first item he pulled from the bag turned out to be a large (VERY LARGE) ham and cheese submarine sandwich wrapped in oil-stained white wrapping paper. It looked large enough to feed two people.

The oil literally dripped from its end each time he picked it up. There were mounds of ham and cheese, enough to provide an average eater with ham and cheese sandwiches for about 5-days.

After removing the sub from the shopping bag and opening it, he then took out a large bag of Herr’s potato chips, popped it open, and poured its entire contents onto the oil-stained paper wrapper next to that huge, oil-oozing submarine sandwich.

Next, he removed TWO chocolate covered éclairs from Dunkin Donuts. But thankfully—and I’m sure it was out of concern for his own health—the last item from the bag was… get this, a 16oz bottle of DIET Pepsi.

I suspected that the woman had some serious physical problems. She was… shall we say petite. Actually, she looked horribly frail. But, the sparseness of her lunch didn’t get my attention nearly as much as her incessant whining over the dishonesty of the human species.

It seems that she had fallen victim to a street scam-artist. She had driven “into” Delaware for some reason. On returning home, she had stopped at a 7-Eleven store. A man approached her as she got out of her car.

Having shown her a Powerball ticket and claiming that it was a $20 winner, he told her that he was about to miss his bus and lose his job. He needed $5 for round trip bus fare but didn’t have time to wait in line to redeem the ticket.

He offered her his 20-dollar “winner” in exchange for 10-dollars from her, further explaining that all she’d have to do was wait a few minutes in line and cash it in. REALLY. She fell for it. You can’t make this stuff up!

She gave him a 10-dollar bill. He gave her the ticket and took off toward the bus stop on the other side of the highway. She went into the store and stood in line for about 5-mnutes to “cash it in.”

Try to guess what happened next. Give up? OK, it was bogus! The ticket was a real Powerball ticket, but it was worthless. NOT A WINNER… not even a free ticket! And, the guy was nowhere to be found. Can you imagine?

Now, I don’t know this woman. I certainly can’t claim any factual knowledge as to the status of her IQ. So I’m not going to write any pointed wise cracks pertaining to her specific intellectual capabilities.

On the other hand, even idiots are capable of devoting a neuron or two to common sense—albeit all too infrequently. Even the truly intellectually gifted in our midst often add to the robustness of a long-standing theory of mine: that greed often short-circuits intellect.

The greed factor can reduce the most intelligent among us to babbling morons. This woman proved that, once again, nothing seems to define humans better than an uncontrollable compulsion to do the irrational hoping for monumentally unlikely payoffs.

Now that I think back on it, perhaps the meagerness of her lunch had nothing to do with the dictates of a physical condition. Maybe it’s all she could afford to buy!

The overweight dude, in the mean time, kept lamenting about how “mad” his doctor was going to be at his next scheduled visit in two days. He really did not appear to see even a slight correlation among his diet, his weight, his blood pressure, and his love life.

His love life entered the conversation when he voiced a serious concern over the likelihood of his girl friend dumping him.

As in the case of his lunch partner, I don’t know this man or the status of a possible uncontrollable physical condition that may be contributing to the largeness of his mass. So I won’t make any pointed wise cracks about him, specifically.

In general though, negative health consequences notwithstanding, once people—males and females—permit food to replace sex in their lives, they should not be shocked when they awake one day to find that they can’t get into their own pants, let alone someone else’s.

I’ve learned that there are incredible stories lurking within the confines of our nation’s courthouse cafeterias. Often, the diners therein relate things about their own lives that make some of the drama in the courtrooms pale in comparison.

Be ever vigilant! There’s danger out there and nothing is more dangerous to our species than the ever-present pitfalls reaped upon us by well-intentioned but extremely determined resourceful idiots.

Speaking of which, I attended a meeting late last week in Harrisburg, PA—in one of the Supreme Court conference rooms. It was a classic! I swear that the attendees—all lower-level judicial support personnel—came right out of a Dilbert cartoon strip!

I won’t be naming names, but I can’t wait to tell you about that one. Maybe in a couple of weeks. Meanwhile, let me just tell you that my experience at that meeting intensified, EXPONENTIALLY, my empathy for judges… even the wrist slappers.

Anyway, watch those Powerball tickets, and if needed, lose a few pounds. You might… you know, get lucky! As for me, I’m going to go get a large ham and cheese sub with extra oil! Too much sex isn’t good for you, either… know what I mean?

Joe Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. You may comment on his column by clicking here.