DANGER! You may be stupid. Details at 11

Who You Callin’ Stupid?
By Joseph Walther


How does one begin? The material available for a column is limitless. In this past week alone from just the political arena, the amount of topic fodder has been overwhelming. Ecstasy is what it is, PURE ECSTASY! My hormones are raging and I am glassy-eyed with my own pleasure. I am on the verge of losing it, oh God, here it comes. YES! YES! Oh God YES!

Please forgive me, readers. It was just so intense. I couldn’t help myself. Let me get a couple of paper towels. As soon as I get this keyboard and monitor cleaned up, I’ll get right back on track. I just hope that, in God’s eyes, I have not committed a sin!

Ok, I’m back. Let me get started at the national level, with the U. S. Congress. (Motto: “Often wrong, always certain.”) Saint William of Frist, aka Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, is obviously not certain that he has made a dumb enough spectacle of himself. He has decided to take a couple of steps to eliminate any possible doubt relative to his stupidity.

First, he has threatened to eliminate the filibuster as a means to bottle-up Bush’s judicial nominees. The President had a total of ten of his first term judicial nominees held up in committee. The Whitehouse submitted the same ten names a second time, but the Democrats threatened to block them again. Bill thinks this is terrible. However, he fails to mention, probably due to selective memory, that the Republicans did the same thing to Bill Clinton. Now, the Democrats, being upset over Bill Frist’s threat, have now threatened to retaliate by shutting down the Senate, which, effectively, will shut down the federal government. I suggest that Dr. Frist talk with uncle Newty first. He’s an expert on this sort of thing, especially when it comes to the consequences of Federal employees not receiving paychecks when they are supposed to or social security recipients not receiving their checks on time.

Second, William decided to participate in a televised rally organized by the God People. The essence of the rally, called a “Justice Sunday”, is to get their favorite judicial nominees appointed on the premise that our courts reject people of faith. Perhaps the Islam dudes will make him an honorary Mullah, or even an Imam.

I cannot speak for the courts of this country, but I am about as sick as one can get with the self-righteous crap oozing from the religious right. When the Judicial Branch of the United States Government gets too far out of control and drunk with power, the people of this country will make their feelings known. We won’t need the Congress or the God People to do it for us.

Continuing with national issues let me say a few things about Saint Thomas of DeLay. The Democrats have accused him of having some l-o-b-b-i-e-s-t-s pay for some trips that he took. Now, he says that he didn’t do nothin’ wrong and so do the sir echoes in his party. I just don’t know WHAT to believe. Even though investigators have come up with some credit card receipts showing that the charges have merit, it could be a plot. Who’s to say that the democrats didn’t plant those receipts as part of a left wing conspiracy, for God’s sake? Let’s not be rash about this.

The Republicans also said that this goes on all of the time. They said that the Democrats do the same thing and pointed to Nancy Pelosi, House Minority Leader. I have no doubts that this is true. There is, however, a small technical detail at work here. Someone caught House Majority Leader Delay! We are not permitted to use the fact that everyone one else is speeding when we are pulled over for doing the same thing. Neither the police nor the judge in traffic court will buy any of it. I think you get the point. In addition, the Republicans need to stop blaming the Democrats for their own stupid stunts. Those who claim to follow the moral high ground have to follow those rules.

Moving on down to the local level here in Delaware politics, Leo Strine has been overwhelmingly reelected as Delaware’s GOP Chairman. Leo (personal motto: “Um, what?”), in an effort to demonstrate his unyielding alliance with stupidity, rambled on and on about… something! He proceeded to declare that Delaware is actually a “red” state. He explained this by telling an audience that New Castle County is a “blue” county and it presents an illusion to the whole country that Delaware is a “blue” State. He further declared that both Kent and Sussex counties are “red states” and that the GOP in New Castle County needs to emulate them in order to get Republicans elected.

Leo, Jethro Clampet of the Beverly Hillbillies would have accused you of not being very good at your ciphers. However, I’ll get to the numbers in just a couple of more lines. First off, the last time I checked, Kent and Sussex were counties within the State of Delaware. Delaware is a STATE, Leo, and it contains three counties: New Castle, Kent, and Sussex. New Castle County is up north; you know… the place with all the big cities, dirt, crime, sky-high population density, unbelievable traffic jams, and Lonnie George.

According to Delaware’s Department of Elections, the number of registered voters for the 2004 Primary Election totaled 411,444. The party breakdown was 177,399 Republicans and 234,045 Democrats. Try to follow this, Leo. A count of 234,045 is LARGER than a count of 177,399. We could even say that it is about 1.32 times larger. Another way of verbalizing this is to say that about 57% of the total number of registered Democrats plus Republicans is DEMOCRATS. It’s like this Leo. There are more Democrats than there are Republicans in Delaware. This is why Delaware is a “blue” state. Where the Democrats live means nothing.

Mr. Strine, I believe with all of my heart that everyone has a purpose in life. It looks as though yours is watching television. Keep dreaming of New Castle County emulating Kent and Sussex counties. Who knows, maybe the Easter Bunny will make it come true. However, you must always remember that Kent and Sussex are counties, not states.

I have been a duly registered Republican for 44-years. However, since the sacking of Washington, DC by the Newt Gingrich Gang, I have been ashamed of that fact. Locally, the terribly scary thing is that the Delaware GOP members overwhelmingly reelected Leo Strine. God, if you are out there, PLEASE help the Republican Party!

Finally, let me address one other issue for Delaware, the high school diploma debate. It has been going on since our General Assembly broached the topic of a three-tier diploma as a means of academic reform. Our governor agreed with this at first, but a member of her staff explained what it would mean. You see, she CAN read but you have to print real big and use little words.

Politicians react as cock roaches do whenever something happens to scare them. They scurry for the perceived security of darkness. They think that if they cover their eyes, the bogeyman won’t be able to see them and will go away. Herein is the problem with education reform in Delaware.

When I graduated from high school, it was before most members of our General Assembly were born. The minimum bar of achievement for graduation was set in accordance with what the standards experts thought to be minimally acceptable. The students who did not meet the standard did NOT graduate. Those who did meet it, received high school diplomas that meant something positive to everyone. Those who excelled in academic performance received the same diploma with the accolades of “Cum Laude” or “Summa Cum Laude” added to its text. This was a sign that these recipients worked their butts off.

Nowadays, the significance of a high school diploma varies. Possessing one today means that the holder either graduated or “was graduated”. Potential employers have to figure out which is which; and they are getting sick of doing so. Employers are not in the business of teaching. They will just idiot proof everything. It is why the cash registers in fast food stores have pictures instead of numbers.

The General Assembly scurries for the cover of darkness every time parents get upset with school reform. Additionally, some academic moron will inevitably be concerned for the low achievers’ self-esteem. In the real world, no one gives a hoot about anyone’s self-esteem. The General Assembly needs to reset the achievement bar to its height of yesteryear. School Boards need to make sure that the schools enforce the bar’s position.

Real achievement has meaning only because of the required hard work and the possibility of failure. Graduating from high school, like other hard-won victories, is worthy of praise. Think for a second. If high school coaches began to lower the basketball hoops so everyone could slam dunk, the ability to slam-dunk would be worthless. The NBA wouldn’t give it a second thought without any regard to an athlete’s self-esteem. This is not rocket science.

Well, there is a lot more to tackle but space and time have taken their toll. I’ll be back next week with more. I’ll try to get my excitement out of the way before I start typing, though.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

Mail Call!

Here’s More Email
By Joseph Walther

Here we go, once again, with some of the email I receive because of this column. I do not make this stuff up nor do I edit any of it. What you see is what I receive, although I do not include email addresses because my lawyer says not to! Some of the email is bizarre beyond words. While I suspect that some authors design their replies as intentional “put-ons”, I think most of it is sincere relative to the various points the authors intend to make. I hope you enjoy it.

The first one is from a friend of mine. Jake and I have been friends for more years than either of us care to mention. He responded to the “Did I Feel Guilty!” column dated March 27, 2005. Jake, short for Jacob, is one of the most compassionate physicians I have ever known. Since he is Jewish, he wanted to take me to task concerning Jewish guilt and Catholic guilt. Keep in mind that I consider Jake almost C-A-T-H-O-L-I-C. Please forgive me, Yetta (Jake’s elderly mother). Here is Jake’s email.

Jake said:

“Hi, Joe, I always said you were a clever writer and missed your calling. This said; please tell me that you are not attempting to equate Jewish guilt with Catholic guilt. The two are not even in the same league. Knowing my mother as you have all of these years must have taught you something.”

My reply:

Jacob, I stand by my claim. We agree that the two types of guilt are not in the same league. However, Catholic guilt dwarfs Jewish guilt. Here are the reasons.

You are a physician and a very good one at that. Suppose, however, that you had elected to become a truck driver instead. This, to say the least, would have violated a standard Jewish cultural/traditional rule of life. Your mother would have heaped untold guilt on you for the rest of your life. This kind of guilt is situational and you would have deserved to feel guilty because of the awful thing that you would have done to your mother.

Catholic guilt, on the other hand, is inherent, since it is virtually impossible for a good Catholic NOT to commit sins. Let us say, that you were born a good Catholic boy instead of a good Jewish boy. You find yourself lying in bed on a Sunday morning after a great evening with Magnificent Maggie. As you awaken and stretch, you think to yourself that maybe you could miss Sunday Mass just this once. Well, Jake, ole’ buddy, “thinking” about missing Mass on a Sunday is a SIN. In the next nanosecond, with no warning whatsoever, you find yourself mumbling, “I really don’t want to go to Mass today.” Not WANTING to go to Sunday Mass is ALSO a sin, Jake.

You see, Jake, you are still in bed and you have committed TWO sins. I will not even go into what you and Magnificent Maggie did last evening or, God forbid, what will happen if thoughts of a carnal nature should enter your mind before getting out of bed. The first two sins are enough to commit you to Purgatory for approximately the next 500,000,000 years and there is no way for you to say a sufficient number of ejaculations to neutralize it. Maybe a billion dollar donation directly to the Vatican could get it reduced, but I doubt it.

That’s right, Jake, the Catholic religion is the only one that docks you for THINKING. Is that crappy or what? Unfortunately, this is not the end of the guilt, either.

The Catholic Church teaches ALL good Catholics, from the moment of conception, that Jesus Christ suffered and died an agonizingly horrible death via crucifixion He didn’t die just for the sins up to that time, either. He suffered and died for the aggregate sins of humanity, past, present, and future. Do you see the implication here, Jake? Every time good Catholics sin, the sins constitute a retroactive increase in the intensity of His suffering on the cross! So, you see, we do not feel guilty for doing something unpleasant to our mothers. We have caused our benevolent Savior unspeakable pain. In other words, Jake, we are just lower than pond scum! How’s that for guilt?

The other points you make regarding the various ways that Jewish wives and Catholic wives deal with sexual intercourse are interesting. First, you have to understand that the Catholic Church permits Catholic wives to have orgasms. Holy Mother Church draws the line, however, at deriving any pleasure from them. Second, the Catholic Church forbids coveting. So, once a mature Catholic married couple gets through all of the sexual positions two, maybe three times, they are out of luck stimulation wise, if you get my point. While a Jewish wife, under the same circumstances, finds sexual intercourse to be an excellent opportunity to do her nails, at least there is some movement there. How would you like to hear your wife offering her suffering up for all of the souls in Purgatory as you hump your butt off? Jake, you are much better off being Jewish. Count your blessings.

From an individual with the screen name of “God’s_Enforcer” comes this gem. This individual thinks that religious dogma is no place for humor.

God’s_Enforcer said:

“Sir, I am an ordained minister. I find your humor regarding God’s Word to be offensive. Even more disturbing are your liberal views on homosexuality, abortion, marriage, and euthanasia. Be assured, sir, that you will stand before the throne of God someday to be held accountable for what you write.”

My reply:

I had no idea that I was such low-life crud. This said; please, in the event that you email me in the future, stop calling me sir. I insist that you call me what my family members and close friends call me: Mr.

Religion and humor go hand-in-hand. I have always believed that if there is a God, He must have a sense of humor. However, the fact that you are an ordained minister just about convinces me of the fact. If you want an example of religion without humor, just look to the ancient desert of Babylon. What is happening in Iraq and Iran is a prime example of religious zealots completely devoid of any humor.

I have addressed the other things you bring up in numerous columns. I will not do so again. However, you do provide an excellent argument for legalized abortion, especially retroactive abortion. Also, I think that the “Garden of Eden and that Noah business are fourteen carat crocks of crap.

An individual calling him/herself “Mr.Republican” sent me an email asking my opinion of our conservative brethren in Washington, DC.

Mr.Republican said:

“I have readed all of yur articles. I think you are a republacan like me. I think that G. Bush is the best thing that ever happend to this country. He is a godfearing man and does not cheet on his wife.”

My reply:

You signed your email as Hank. I am going to think the best and assume that your spell checker does not work or does not exist. I thank you for reading my column. You are correct, also, in your assessment of my political affiliation. I am a Republican. However, I think a number of people call themselves Republicans but all that they really are is stupid. So let me clarify my position.

On a political continuum, I would come down just left of center relative to social issues. On fiscal issues, however, I would come down just right of center. Put another way, I don’t believe that abortion is anyone’s Constitutional right. I think that there are times when it might me a medical necessity. Otherwise, don’t expect me to pay for it. I think that the National Republican Leadership, including George Bush and his clueless brother, Jeb, are a bunch of self-serving, phony morons and they proved it with the Terry Schiavo incident.

I agree with your assessment of G. Bush, but for reasons very different from yours. I like to think of George Bush, Dick Chaney, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Mitch McConnell, and Rick Santorum as the fecal obstruction that caused this country to wake up and clear its collective bowels. In a country of over 260,000,000 people, these are not the best we have!

As for his marriage and cheating on her, let’s leave Laura Bush out of it. She seems like a very nice person and I wouldn’t cheat on her either.

There are many more emails. I just do not have the time to do all of them in a single column. I will continue to report them to you readers every so often.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

Now you done it!

So, I’m to Blame?
By Joseph Walther

Occasionally, I like to share some of the email I receive because of this column. I intended to do so this week. However, this afternoon, I received a rather belated email from a reader concerning last week’s column on Pope John Paul II. I am going to respond to the concerns outlined in that email. I will do a “Do I get email” column next week.

Renaldo Severabaldo is a Roman Catholic Priest who represents a group of people concerned with too much liberalism within the Roman Catholic Church in the United States. The group calls itself Red Catholic Christians and one of its goals is to get God back into politics. I asked Father Severabaldo to send me some additional information relative to his group, since the group does not have a web site. Father Severabaldo’s email address is rev.renaldo.severabaldo@gmail.com, which is a legitimate account. Unfortunately, he does not go into a lot of detail as to his priestly role within the Roman Catholic Church. I did manage to link him to one of those obscure fanatical fringe gangs who complain incessantly about everything. While I cannot prove it yet, this organization seems to be another group of tight-assed puritans desperately afraid that someone, somewhere may be having a good time.

In addition to taking me to task for making fun of God in last week’s column, he felt that the conservative talk radio hosts are doing a great job of getting Christian principles, such as prayer back into the public school daily routine, on the table. He was livid and accused me of asking God to let Sean Hannity’s penis fall off. He also told me that I do not understand the way God thinks. “God does not afflict innocent children with horrible diseases. A sinful humanity does this”, he said. He suggested that if I wanted to blame someone for life’s misfortunes that I would do better to blame liberals, like myself, the secular humanists, and those who support the gay lifestyle.

Well, Padre, just for the record, I am not a liberal. I am a registered Republican. Granted, today’s Bush Republicans are a national embarrassment. I think the confusion stems from the fact that society calls these jerks “Republicans” when all that they are is stupid. There are a number of Democrats in the same boat. Generally, however, I would rather live next door to a MOVE member than one of these people.

You seem obsessed by Sean Hannity’s penis. Are you sure that you don’t have, shall we say, “personal” reasons for your concerns? I do not recall asking God to injure him in any way. Stating, as I did, that I didn’t think that anyone would mind if God let it happen, is not the same as asking for it to happen. Still, though, I’d give just about anything to see the expression on Hannity’s face if it did happen. That’d be a hoot and a half!

As for getting prayer back in public school, I have no problems with this at all. In fact, I’ll bet anything that more than one child has prayed, especially before a big math test. They do it silently, of course, because the ACLU would have a fit otherwise. You do realize, don’t you, that if the Christian children are permitted to pray, all of the other representative religious affiliations would have to be granted equal time? Please don’t tell me that you only want to give Christian children permission to pray in school!

The same holds true for religious symbols on display in public areas. If you want to put a Nativity scene in the Post Office, fine. Keep in mind, though, that the other religious affiliations will want to do likewise. It could get pretty crowed, making it difficult, if not impossible, to get to the stamp counter. Business would drop off dramatically and there would be another postal rate increase. Are you satisfied NOW?

You are correct when you tell me that I don’t understand how God thinks. Hell, I am not at all sure that God even exists. By your statement, though, you infer that you DO know how God thinks, if He exists at all. Of course, the utter arrogance of your inference goes right over your head. What an ego. You remind me of one of the local college presidents around these parts. He has an ego the size of Australia and a temper to match. If science ever discovers an actual center to the universe, he is going to be throwing a huge hissy fit when he finds out that he isn’t it. Your inference also solidifies my belief that the stupid are always so cock-sure while the intelligent are full of doubts.

First Falwell and Robertson blamed most of society’s ills on the gays and now you. What is the obsession you preachers have with homosexuality? You folks are protesting this stuff too loudly. It makes me wonder about you. Regardless, though, when it comes to gaining entry to heaven—if such exists—my money is on the gays.

Let me wrap this up by saying that I tend to believe that you are a self-appointed jerk with a compulsion to be Co-God. It seems to me that if God, as defined by you folks, gets too upset with the inhabitants of Earth, with a flick of his Bic, Earth would be space debris. What gives you the impression that He needs your help? You need to stop taking yourselves so seriously and get a life.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

Karol Joseph Wojtyla has left the building

God, If You Exist…
By Joseph Walther

Everyone who knows me knows that I have a wild sense of humor. Sometimes it is dry, at other times it can be sarcastic, and at other times, it can be blatantly funny. I can find humor in everything. In my case, at least, it is not that I find tragedy to be funny. I do not. On the other hand, laughter has always been a great defense mechanism that has helped me to maintain my sanity throughout my sixty two-years on this earth. While laughing in the midst of a calamity does not eliminate the calamity, it lightens the negative impact and helps me to face it and to remember not to take myself too seriously.

With this said, I am about to write this column about the greatest pope I have ever known. I intend to sprinkle humor throughout. If you are one of those humorless tightasses who feel compelled to help God run the universe, I recommend that you go back to reading your prayer books and skip this one. While I was born and raised a catholic and even entered the Catholic seminary, I have come to disagree with many of the principles espoused by the Roman Catholic Church. I will not list the reasons here. I did not even agree with many positions John Paul II took. However, with his death, I feel, for the first time in my catholic life, that I have lost a saintly friend. Humor is my way of dealing with it.

As everyone not in a coma knows, yesterday evening, Karol Joseph Wojtyla, aka Pope John Paul II, died. The time is not important. What is important is the fact that he was a good man. He was a good, kind, and caring person BEFORE the Conclave of Cardinals elected him to the Papacy. The accomplishments attributed to him during his twenty seven-year tenure as Pope are too numerous to list here and I will not even attempt it. To me, it is much more important to remember that he never compromised his principles. As the cool dudes often say, “he not only talked the talk, he also walked the walk.” His death leaves a gaping void, not only among the 1.2 billion Catholics throughout the world, but also among the other 6.3 billion members of the worldwide population.

John Paul II is the first pope that I have ever studied with any conscious degree of admiration and natural respect. This man was an inspiring and wonderful human being, not because he was “the pope”, but because of his strict adherence to a professed code of personal conduct and beliefs. He never wavered from that code. His Papacy only added worldwide recognition to the credibility of this human being who rose from the ranks of ordinariness to become the leader of the Roman Catholic Church. “Ordinariness” is what made people feel that he was “their” pope and that while he was important, he was one of us. I suspect that more people will miss him than any of the other popes of our respective lifetimes.

During my parochial school days and up through my junior year in high school, Pope Pius XII occupied the Vatican. Children and teenagers did not pay a whole lot of attention to Vatican matters back then and even less now, so I do not recall much about his tenure other than what Sister (Skull Crusher) Edwards beat into my head; that he could order me directly into Hell if I didn’t stop trying to cop a feel from Lulu Lovely. I did not really believe her, but Skull Crusher was a woman we “boys” feared a lot more than the Pope. Face it; he was an old man living an ocean’s width away. She was a nasty old lady trying to get into heaven by severely mauling hormone-crazed boys into compliance and she enjoyed her work.

Anyway, Pope John XXIII followed Pope Pius XII. Then Pope Paul VI got his turn at bat, followed by Pope John Paul I. While all of these men were good popes, I did not feel compelled to pay too much attention to what they were doing. After all, I was only 36 years old when Pope John Paul I died. My goodness, I was still thanking God for getting me out of Viet Nam without a body bag and celebrating the fact at every possible opportunity. I must confess, though, I was quite interested in the part about making it ok to eat meat on Fridays. In addition, I was thrilled beyond description when they downgraded MANY of my boyhood MORTAL sins to adult VENIAL sins. This meant that I did not have to treat a post make-out trip to the confessional as an “emergency”. Even if I had died before getting there, Purgatory was a far cry from Hell!

Wisdom is a function of age and maturity. This is especially true when a male comes to the stark realization that he is NOT going to be able to score with all of the females in the western hemisphere. And, an even starker reality sets in as males approach the mid fifties and early sixties age group. Yes, at this age, the simple horror of it all is the fact that good bowel movements begin to take precedence over, shall we say, matters of carnal interests. Viagra notwithstanding, all of you young snots out there need to understand that this is what it comes down to, eventually. However devastating as you think this is, though, there is a bright side.

First of all, as you young studs age, older females become foxes, looking much better than they did just a few years earlier in your lives AND you don’t need to drink lots of beer to recognize this. This is great news because more than two beers when you are in your sixties will take you out of commission for about a month and no amount of Viagra will help. Second, aging makes you get to the point much quicker than you did earlier in your life. There is no time to “impress” because if you do not get to the point right away, you may forget whatever the hell the point was. Third, you become a lot more philosophical about things, especially as those things pertain to sexual crises, such as early arrivals on your part, a slow starting engine on your part, and an engine that just does not start at all.

Yes, philosophy starts to become a substitute for what you can no longer do all night. Not only can you not do it all night, you do not want to do it, even once. You are just flat out too tired. You begin paying attention to previously unimportant matters such as which party controls the Congress and issues of right and wrong. When you do your yearly renewal of faith and the priest asks, “Do you renounce Satan and all he stands for”, the thought that, perhaps, now is not the ideal time to be making any enemies, is the first thing that pops into your head. You begin to realize that there is an awful lot of gray area between the extremes of “right” and “wrong”.

I receive a tremendous amount of email because of this column. More than a handful of my readers assume that I am a crotchety old atheist. Well, this is totally unfounded; I am not an atheist. I am an agnostic. This means that I have no idea if there is a God or if any remembering part of me will live beyond this life. In other words, I am not sure and I do not believe that anyone can prove such a belief, not even Pope John Paul II.

Regardless, Pope John Paul II did not lose, no matter what happened when he died. If his faith turns out to be THE reality, I am sure he got into heaven on the first ballot. Conversely, if the atheists are correct, he still won. He lived his life committed to his beliefs and died happy with who he was in life, knowing he was going to be with Jesus. He will never know that he was wrong because there will not be anyone out there to say, “gotcha, sucker!” I can think of many less desirable ways to both live and die.

Finally, if there is a God and I could interview Him, there are a few pressing questions I would love to ask.

Question number one would be:

God, why are there so many sets of rules regarding your interests? Certainly, you must know that there is a lot of killing going on down here and most of it is in your name. The Muslims are slaughtering Christians because they have different rules as to how to honor you. Both sides, of course, claim that you are on their side. Other Muslims are killing the Israelis by the thousands and vice versa. It seems that the Israelis have a set of rules that they claim came directly from you. Not only this, they are going around telling everyone that THEY are your favorites. You being God and all, I don’t have to tell you that this really upsets all of the other groups in the area because they are under the impression that you are on THEIR side. For years, Iraqi Muslims and Iranian Muslims killed each other because of a silly disagreement over the best way to recognize you. Each side, of course, claims that you are on THEIR side. Even some Muslims in that area have adopted another set of rules regarding their devotion to you. However, they don’t feel compelled to kill those with differing beliefs. Guess what, God? They are getting the crap kicked out of them. Nevertheless, you already know this.

I know you must be one busy dude. It has to be a bear running the entire universe. However, it scares the living daylights out of me to think that eventually these people are going to get their hands on some nukes. I am sure you are aware that “busy” will not begin to describe your schedule when that happens.

So, would you consider sending a message? It wouldn’t have to be sophisticated. I think that some thunder and high velocity wind plus maybe your booming, yet assertive but gentle voice proclaiming something like, “Behold, this is God. Knock off the crap. I never said anything about killing each other. Don’t make me come down there”, would do the trick. Whatever you do, don’t use an intermediary, especially the likes of Oral Roberts, Jimmy Swaggart, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, George Bush, or any of those other God Guys on television. You know the ones I mean. They are the ones with bad hairdos. You can’t miss them. They are constantly asking people to send in a “faith” pledge. I find this highly suspicious. We are supposed to make the “faith” pledge to you but we send the money to them. I can’t believe that you hand picked these people!

My second question would be:

God, it seems that you inflict an awful lot of innocent children with hideous diseases and deformities, such as AIDS and Spinal Bifida. What’s with that? Is this sort of thing necessary? I realize that some people claim that you are punishing us for something. According to Falwell and Robertson, it’s because of the gays. Others claim that you do this as a gift to us. Your folks, we call them the God Guys down here, keep telling us that you do this in order to show your love for us. Either way, couldn’t you pick on the adults? I mean, right here in the United States alone there are over 550 members of Congress, and a seemingly endless number of talk radio hosts. All of them are infinitely more deserving. Instead of letting some baby be born with Spinal Bifida, how about inflicting all radio talk show hosts with large, low-hanging, painful, bleeding and incurable hemorrhoids? For Sean Hannity, in particular, if you also wanted to let his penis fall off, I don’t think too many people would complain. I know that I wouldn’t! Would you just consider it? Thank you in advance.

Well, God, I have more questions but I know how busy you must be. Surely, it must upset you to have us constantly blaming you for everything bad that happens down here. On the other hand, a lot of “experts” tell us that all of this stuff is your will. I’m so dog gone confused!

Oh, before I forget, I'd like to ask for one more favor, God. If you exist and you have not admitted Karol Joseph Wojtyla, to your kingdom, please do so quickly. Also, if you could send us another one like him, it would be great.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net