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Here’s More Email
By Joseph Walther

Here we go, once again, with some of the email I receive because of this column. I do not make this stuff up nor do I edit any of it. What you see is what I receive, although I do not include email addresses because my lawyer says not to! Some of the email is bizarre beyond words. While I suspect that some authors design their replies as intentional “put-ons”, I think most of it is sincere relative to the various points the authors intend to make. I hope you enjoy it.

The first one is from a friend of mine. Jake and I have been friends for more years than either of us care to mention. He responded to the “Did I Feel Guilty!” column dated March 27, 2005. Jake, short for Jacob, is one of the most compassionate physicians I have ever known. Since he is Jewish, he wanted to take me to task concerning Jewish guilt and Catholic guilt. Keep in mind that I consider Jake almost C-A-T-H-O-L-I-C. Please forgive me, Yetta (Jake’s elderly mother). Here is Jake’s email.

Jake said:

“Hi, Joe, I always said you were a clever writer and missed your calling. This said; please tell me that you are not attempting to equate Jewish guilt with Catholic guilt. The two are not even in the same league. Knowing my mother as you have all of these years must have taught you something.”

My reply:

Jacob, I stand by my claim. We agree that the two types of guilt are not in the same league. However, Catholic guilt dwarfs Jewish guilt. Here are the reasons.

You are a physician and a very good one at that. Suppose, however, that you had elected to become a truck driver instead. This, to say the least, would have violated a standard Jewish cultural/traditional rule of life. Your mother would have heaped untold guilt on you for the rest of your life. This kind of guilt is situational and you would have deserved to feel guilty because of the awful thing that you would have done to your mother.

Catholic guilt, on the other hand, is inherent, since it is virtually impossible for a good Catholic NOT to commit sins. Let us say, that you were born a good Catholic boy instead of a good Jewish boy. You find yourself lying in bed on a Sunday morning after a great evening with Magnificent Maggie. As you awaken and stretch, you think to yourself that maybe you could miss Sunday Mass just this once. Well, Jake, ole’ buddy, “thinking” about missing Mass on a Sunday is a SIN. In the next nanosecond, with no warning whatsoever, you find yourself mumbling, “I really don’t want to go to Mass today.” Not WANTING to go to Sunday Mass is ALSO a sin, Jake.

You see, Jake, you are still in bed and you have committed TWO sins. I will not even go into what you and Magnificent Maggie did last evening or, God forbid, what will happen if thoughts of a carnal nature should enter your mind before getting out of bed. The first two sins are enough to commit you to Purgatory for approximately the next 500,000,000 years and there is no way for you to say a sufficient number of ejaculations to neutralize it. Maybe a billion dollar donation directly to the Vatican could get it reduced, but I doubt it.

That’s right, Jake, the Catholic religion is the only one that docks you for THINKING. Is that crappy or what? Unfortunately, this is not the end of the guilt, either.

The Catholic Church teaches ALL good Catholics, from the moment of conception, that Jesus Christ suffered and died an agonizingly horrible death via crucifixion He didn’t die just for the sins up to that time, either. He suffered and died for the aggregate sins of humanity, past, present, and future. Do you see the implication here, Jake? Every time good Catholics sin, the sins constitute a retroactive increase in the intensity of His suffering on the cross! So, you see, we do not feel guilty for doing something unpleasant to our mothers. We have caused our benevolent Savior unspeakable pain. In other words, Jake, we are just lower than pond scum! How’s that for guilt?

The other points you make regarding the various ways that Jewish wives and Catholic wives deal with sexual intercourse are interesting. First, you have to understand that the Catholic Church permits Catholic wives to have orgasms. Holy Mother Church draws the line, however, at deriving any pleasure from them. Second, the Catholic Church forbids coveting. So, once a mature Catholic married couple gets through all of the sexual positions two, maybe three times, they are out of luck stimulation wise, if you get my point. While a Jewish wife, under the same circumstances, finds sexual intercourse to be an excellent opportunity to do her nails, at least there is some movement there. How would you like to hear your wife offering her suffering up for all of the souls in Purgatory as you hump your butt off? Jake, you are much better off being Jewish. Count your blessings.

From an individual with the screen name of “God’s_Enforcer” comes this gem. This individual thinks that religious dogma is no place for humor.

God’s_Enforcer said:

“Sir, I am an ordained minister. I find your humor regarding God’s Word to be offensive. Even more disturbing are your liberal views on homosexuality, abortion, marriage, and euthanasia. Be assured, sir, that you will stand before the throne of God someday to be held accountable for what you write.”

My reply:

I had no idea that I was such low-life crud. This said; please, in the event that you email me in the future, stop calling me sir. I insist that you call me what my family members and close friends call me: Mr.

Religion and humor go hand-in-hand. I have always believed that if there is a God, He must have a sense of humor. However, the fact that you are an ordained minister just about convinces me of the fact. If you want an example of religion without humor, just look to the ancient desert of Babylon. What is happening in Iraq and Iran is a prime example of religious zealots completely devoid of any humor.

I have addressed the other things you bring up in numerous columns. I will not do so again. However, you do provide an excellent argument for legalized abortion, especially retroactive abortion. Also, I think that the “Garden of Eden and that Noah business are fourteen carat crocks of crap.

An individual calling him/herself “Mr.Republican” sent me an email asking my opinion of our conservative brethren in Washington, DC.

Mr.Republican said:

“I have readed all of yur articles. I think you are a republacan like me. I think that G. Bush is the best thing that ever happend to this country. He is a godfearing man and does not cheet on his wife.”

My reply:

You signed your email as Hank. I am going to think the best and assume that your spell checker does not work or does not exist. I thank you for reading my column. You are correct, also, in your assessment of my political affiliation. I am a Republican. However, I think a number of people call themselves Republicans but all that they really are is stupid. So let me clarify my position.

On a political continuum, I would come down just left of center relative to social issues. On fiscal issues, however, I would come down just right of center. Put another way, I don’t believe that abortion is anyone’s Constitutional right. I think that there are times when it might me a medical necessity. Otherwise, don’t expect me to pay for it. I think that the National Republican Leadership, including George Bush and his clueless brother, Jeb, are a bunch of self-serving, phony morons and they proved it with the Terry Schiavo incident.

I agree with your assessment of G. Bush, but for reasons very different from yours. I like to think of George Bush, Dick Chaney, Tom Delay, Bill Frist, Mitch McConnell, and Rick Santorum as the fecal obstruction that caused this country to wake up and clear its collective bowels. In a country of over 260,000,000 people, these are not the best we have!

As for his marriage and cheating on her, let’s leave Laura Bush out of it. She seems like a very nice person and I wouldn’t cheat on her either.

There are many more emails. I just do not have the time to do all of them in a single column. I will continue to report them to you readers every so often.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net