You're gonna go blind!

Did I Feel Guilty!
By Joseph Walther


Since this is Easter Sunday in the Christian world, I thought I would speak to you about guilt. I am not talking about legal guilt, the kind that is associated with what a prosecutor can prove in a criminal court. Intentionally killing someone for driving too slowly, even after you have blown your horn several times, is a good example. Personally, I don’t think this should be a crime. In fact, I think it should be encouraged! Unfortunately, the law frowns on it right now and the police will arrest you and charge you with some level of murder, up to and including murder in the first-degree. If the prosecution can prove its case, a jury is going to find you “guilty”.

This is “legal” guilt. The kind of guilt I mean, though, is far worse. It is a hideous form of guilt! It is unyielding and causes prolonged and severe pain. Yes, you have probably figured it out by now. It is the psychological pain that can only come from…dare I say it…RELIGION. The worst that can happen as the result of legal guilt, even for first-degree murder, is execution. This is a snap. They inject you; you go into the “big” sleep and then peace. This other guilt, though, can last an entire lifetime and, adding insult to injury, you STILL die.

All religions are the same, guilt with different holidays. Frankly, I don’t believe the guilt from religious denomination to denomination is very different. However, the amount of skill with which the instillers deliver the guilt and the depth to which one feels it IS different. For example, I was born and raised as a Roman Catholic. The Catholic Church leadership is comprised of experts in the generation and intensification of psychological guilt and the nuns were the undisputed masters.

I attended St. Helena’s elementary school. I believe that the order of sisters teaching at that time was the “Sisters of Perpetual Pain”. These women made the Inquisitions of the middle ages seem like a trip to Disney Land. They could do things with rulers that my protestant friends could not even imagine. They wore habits that covered everything. I was at least forty years old before I realized that nuns had legs! I once watched one of the sisters put a classmate’s baseball bat into her habit pocket and her arm disappeared to her shoulder joint when she did it.

They had all of us believing that all of the boys should be priests and all of the girls should be nuns. While I had no idea, back then, what masturbation was, we ALL knew what “jacking off” meant. However, the Sisters could not bring themselves to say that. They kept telling us that if we masturbated, we would go blind. None of us had anything to worry about because we did not "masturbate", whatever that was. Well, let me tell you. Today I wear glasses with lenses that look like the bottoms of coke bottles all because nuns would not say, “jack off”!

The Church did not permit unmarried Catholics to engage in s-e-x, worse; they had us convinced that if we even thought about it, we would go to hell if we died before going to confession. And, those priests knew all the good leads, too. I once told the parish priest at confession that I had committed a mortal sin involving s-e-x. He asked me if it was with that awful “Debbie”. Well, I had no idea who Debbie was, but I wish that I had followed up on THAT lead because I found out later that that she had done Dallas.

When I was in sixth grade back in St. Helena’s, my father told me that he was going to kill me if I didn’t start getting better grades. The law allowed fathers, back then, to do this. At least, that’s what MY father had me believing. He also had me convinced that if he did kill me, it wouldn’t bother him at all because he could make another one just like me! Anyway, I figured that unless I could find and easier way, I would have to start studying. I thought of this incredible plan. I told Sister Brainbruzer that I wanted to become a priest. It worked! My grades went up two levels, from F’s to C’s. My father was happy; I got to live; and I had it made from then on. On a side note, I actually did go into the seminary, but because of my improved grades, I was able to read a dictionary. Once I found out what celibacy meant, I got out of there as fast as possible.

Here I am today at the age of sixty-two. If my eyesight gets any worse, I will need a dog and a cane. Thank you, SISTERS. I stopped, for a while at least, feeling guilty about impure thoughts. Let’s face it, once we hit the sixties, some of us stop getting those thoughts. Hell, some guys couldn’t do anything about an impure thought, even if one were to occur. Then, a miracle happened. I began having impure thoughts again. Thank you, VIAGRA! I have a whole new lease on life now.

At this stage of my life, I am not afraid of anything. I raised teenagers and survived to tell about it. After that, I am not about to fear anything as inconsequential as hell. There is a former colleague, come to think of it, that I would definitely like to… well let’s just say that she would make spending eternity in hell worth it. Neither, I hasten to add, would I consider a fatal heart attack too high a price to pay. How’s that for overcoming psychological guilt?

Have a happy Easter and the next time you see a blind guy, the Sisters of Perpetual Pain may be the culprits just because of simple miscommunication!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net