Oh my GOD! You ended that sentence with a preposition!

Learnin People How to Rite Good
by: Joseph Walther


“I ain’t got no time to be learnin no stoodints how to talk good english or spel rite.”

This is a real quote from a real person. I am the one who wrote it. It constituted the opening sentence in a memorandum. The subject of the memorandum was “Writing Rules for the Truly Boring” and I addressed it to the head of the English Department at a local college. While I intended it as a tongue-in-cheek pun, this person simply did not get it. Most academics will never get it and are doomed forever to wonder why people do not write better. The reason, of course, is that by the time we finish with figuring out when and how to apply the rules, we have forgotten what we wanted to write.

Proper spelling is important and so is punctuation. If people have not mastered the use of a dictionary and the rules of punctuation by the fifth grade, there is a problem. The application of most of the grammar rules, however, become a matter of what you are saying and to whom you are saying it. It is far more important to be socially current and clear than a perpetual slave to rules that no longer apply. In other words, effect is often more important than protocol.

Like each of you, I ran the gauntlet of a seeming endless list of rules. We had to memorize twenty vocabulary words a week during my high school days. What words they were, too! I lost count of the number of times a day I have used such words as truculent, parsimonious, angst, paradigm, obfuscate, picaresque, seditious, and taxonomy. This went on for 4-years.

I remember Father Spragg from my days in high school at Salesianum. He was a stickler for not using split infinitives, the minimal use of passive voice, not putting statements into negative form, the careful proof reading of everything, and not starting sentences with conjunctions. Ending a sentence with a preposition would have sent him into a catatonic state. I had the misfortune of finding this out the hard way.

He had assigned us a short essay. The topic was up to us as long as it contained the theme of what we were going to do as adults. My father was constantly reminding me that my reaching adulthood was questionable, given the amount of angst –Wow; I finally got a chance to use that vocabulary word– I constantly subjected him to. Oh, shi… I mean shoot! Did I just end a sentence with a preposition? Oh well. Screw you, Father Spragg. Anyway, I decided to call mine “What I was going to be IF I grew up.” and make it a humor piece.

It was a terrific essay. The punctuation and spelling were flawless and it was quite humorous. Even my father liked it. Unfortunately, in the second to last paragraph I included the following: “I had no idea that my mother was a ventriloquist, so it was rather easy for her to convince me that my dog was telling me to kill my father. However, this was not something I was sure of.” He used an entire red marking pen on the fact that I had ended a sentence with a preposition and told me to write one paragraph listing his pet rules for writing. So, being a glutton for punishment, here is what I wrote.

“Remember to never split an infinitive. It is strongly suggested that the passive voice not be used. Do not put statements in negative form. Proofread carefully to see it you words out. Ending sentences with prepositions will not be put up with. And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction!” Father Spragg had no sense of humor, in addition to being a jerk! I spent the next two weeks in detention. It was worth it, though.

There is only one reason to write and that is to say something. What you have to say may be serious or humorous. You may intend simply to inform or to instruct. The reason does not matter. As I said earlier, spelling and punctuation are important. Beyond these, if the intended readers cannot read it, understand it, or fall asleep from boredom, and you wrote it, you might want to consider teaching English for a living!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net