You got time for a few questions?

How Do You Feel About…
By: Joseph Walther

I just received another questionnaire from Washington, DC. This one came from the Republican National Committee. I am a registered Republican, although, I freely admit that this is something I am growing increasingly ashamed of and the likes of Sean Hannity do not help. Listening to the Democratic National Committee, however, makes me thankful for being a Republican. I have thought about changing my affiliation to “Independent”, but abandoned that idea. I just felt that it would be too much like claiming to be bi-sexual in that it is just too tough to decide one way or the other.

The problem with these questionnaires is that they never prove anything. Their authors word them in a way designed to get a desired result. This is very easy to do and it works for all categories of concern, from religion to consumer issues. For example, if you are a smoker and ask a priest or minister if it is all right to smoke while praying, the likely response will be an emphatic NO! If you want to get a YES answer to the question, you will have to reword it. Simply ask if it is all right to pray while smoking. See what I mean?

Political questionnaires are actually surveys. But, since people generally dislike answering surveys, why not change the name to “questionnaire”? No matter what we call them, the authors always design them around the same basic themes of political leadership, government responsibilities, and a few specific issues that may be of concern to various constituencies.

I know that at least four members of the U. S. Congress read this column every week. They have registered to receive automatic weekly updates. In addition to this, six local politicians are registered. Perhaps I can preempt additional “questionnaires” by listing my opinions on the themes listed above. Gee, do you suppose it’s worth a shot?

I will break my opinions down into three parts. Part I will concern the theme of Political Leadership. Part II will cover the theme of our government’s responsibilities concerning our safety and overall well-being. Part III will deal with the theme of some of the specific issues we face. So, here we go.

PART I: POLITICAL LEADERSHIP

There are currently 535 members of the United States Congress, segregated into 435 members in the lower chamber called the House of Representatives. Society calls these people Congressmen or, more politically correct, Congress Persons. On the other hand, perhaps you are more familiar with some of the more affectionate names such as prostitutes, crooks, morons, bottom feeders, and pimps. The upper chamber contains 100 members called senators. Of course, many people call them the Intrepid Windbags.

What we call these people is irrelevant. The U. S. Congressional Leadership, taken together, could not hit the water if it fell out of a boat. They all have egos the size of California and millionaire bank accounts. They, in addition to the other members of Congress, are not required to live according to the rules they set for the rest of us. They believe that the Bill of Rights is void where prohibited by law.

Many people in this wonderful country are great visionaries. They are people who possess the courage of their convictions plus integrity that is beyond reproach. Unfortunately, such people seldom run for public office. Whenever one does, the baboon members of the press tear him/her to shreds. The press cannot seem to separate relevant facts from non-essential bullshit. This problem is prevalent among people who like to flick fly shit out of pepper. So, we are stuck with what we have and it will not change until people start throwing the bums out. Then, again, don’t hold your breath!

PART II: GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITES

People who really think the government can protect them have been doing too many sit ups under parked cars. Yes, there is violent crime out there. Yes, there are terrorists out there who want to kill us. Yes, there are scam artists out there. Yes, there is random violence lurking out there. There is also a tremendous amount of money involved in the perception that the government can protect us. In other words, the more people can be scared into dodofying their briefs over possibilities, the more the government will spend to give the perception of stopping it. There is a sucker born every second and Congress will leave no dime unspent to take advantage of it.

Millions of parents, like me, have raised teenagers and have lived to tell about it. Nothing should scare us after this kind of experience! Besides, none of these things combined can compare to the way Congress can screw us in just one afternoon session on the “Hill”!

PART III: THE THEME OF SPECIFIC ISSUES

This theme involves some tried and tested issues guaranteed to accomplish two things. First, is to get people irritated as hell. Bring them to a boil. Divide the population. Second, is to provide the politicians with an unending parade of positions. Politicians love to hear themselves talk and “specific issues” provide such a forum. I will list each one of my favorites.

CRIME:

I feel certain that no politician will disagree with me on this one. CRIME IS BAD! I am a conservative. Not only do I believe in the death penalty, I think we should use it more frequently and for more types of crimes. People who talk on cell phones in restaurants, people who drive less than 90 miles per hour in the left lane on interstates, people who jaywalk, politicians who run for office because “they want to help people”, drivers who turn their turn signal on AFTER the light turns green at busy intersections, women who dig through purses the size of compact cars for that penny while the REST OF US WAIT AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER, and that moron who invented the clear plastic wrap that wraps itself around you forearm when you tear a piece off should all be hacked to death with machetes. I’d like to see more proposed legislation like this?

TAXES:

This is a simple one. We pay too much in taxes and the tax laws are so complicated that the IRS can’t understand them. In fact, I’ll bet half of the lawyers who write this stuff don’t understand it. We all should pay less and I, personally, would prefer to pay nothing at all. And, we should electrocute ANYONE who uses the terms “fair” and “taxes” in the same sentence!

SOCIAL SECURITY:

I never really gave social security much thought until approximately yesterday, when I realized that I was 62 years old. Since then, I have been feeling a lot more empathy for older people suffering from joint pain, vision problems, bladder disorders, ballooning prostrates, and hemorrhoids the size of an average adult thumb.

The more I think about this, the more I am inclined to favor such transfer programs as social security. I’ll get back to you on this later, especially if I start drooling or find myself in dire need of Preparation H. Under no circumstances, however, do I believe that a senior citizen who pulls into Burger King in a brand new $75,000 Mercedes should receive a senior citizen discount. Let the jerk sell the Mercedes!

DRUGS:

If I have to experience any pain, I WANT DRUGS! I don’t want to hock my house to pay for them, either. As for recreational drugs, like pot, cocaine, heroin, and any of the other varieties, I am generally against them. However, if people insist on removing themselves from the gene pool by using such drugs, I see no reason to prevent it. The “war on drugs” is like the “war on terror”, a no win situation. People with common sense know this but we are, after all, talking about our government.

HEALTH CARE:

About two months ago, I had a physical that included a prostate examination. I firmly believe in regular physicals. I have one, like clockwork, every twenty to twenty five years. The fact of the matter is that I began to stay away from the doctor right after the first time one checked my prostate. Besides, my stepfather was a doctor for 45-years and philosophized, “As long as you feel all right, why look under the rocks?”

There is no denying that there are many serious issues with health care in this country. However, at the age of 62, I am teetering on the verge of geezerhood, a time at which prostate problems become prevalent. In light of this, I think the government should spend whatever it takes to find a different way to check that sucker!

ELECTED OFFICIAL AND SEX SCANDALS:

Oh, cut me a break, will you? Officeholders have the same need of getting laid as anyone else. In fact, the personalities of some officeholders preclude getting laid any other way. I do not care one iota about officeholders’ sex lives and sexual escapades as long as we are talking about consenting adults and they are not molesting children. Only priests can do this!

Ever since Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office, the moralists have been having a field day. I do admit that I was disappointed at him for doing this in the Oval Office. After all, many people consider it a “special” place. The least the guy could have done was spring for a motel room or, if the secret service was a problem, take it outside behind a tree or something.

I hope this clears a few things up and the Republican Party will consider removing me from its mailing list.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net