Lead us not into temptation

Did I Just Commit Adultery?
By: Joseph Walther

I am always on the lookout for material for this column. While there is never a shortage, sometimes God just hands me—no strings attached—some of the best stuff I could hope for, REALLY! This happened last Wednesday evening inside of Barnes and Nobel Booksellers located in the Concord Mall, Wilmington, Delaware. I stumbled upon one of those open discussion groups. The discussion leader was a woman who appeared to be in her mid-to-late 50s and affiliated with one of the local church groups. There were six participants consisting of a late 60s to early 70s male, three women who could easily pass as members of the late 20s to late 30s range, another male who was about my age, early 60s, and a woman who had to be in her mid-eighties or older. The discussion topic was; I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP; “Sex outside of marriage.”

I must have given some non-verbal indication of my interest in the topic because the discussion leader told me that anyone could join and invited me to do so. As I took a seat, I swear that I had the sincerest of intentions of remaining on my best behavior. These seemed like nice people and, who knows, I could learn something! Everything was fine; right up until the discussion leader began to speak.

“Let us begin our discussion with a short prayer”, she said. My heart skipped at least two beats. While none of the group said anything, I am sure everyone must have seen my face light up like a super-nova. I said to my self, “Oh boy, so much for my good intentions. This is going to be a riot. Why I might even need bail money before the night is over.” I also saw the eighty-five year old woman roll her eyes and send one me of those grins. You know the kind I mean. It was definitely one of those “You want to take this one sonny?” type of look. I quickly returned my best “Yes, why thank you” grins.

After the opening prayer, the discussion leader asked whether we could all agree that men and women view sex differently. The responses ran the gamut of mild agreement to smirking vulgarity. One of the younger females shook her head in absolute agreement. The eighty-five year old woman said; and this is a direct quote; “bull shit”. The rest of the group, excluding yours truly, nodded with one of those half-assed “yeah” nods. I said that I would not state a position until she clarified her statement.

The “bull shit” comment shocked her. It was evident in her facial expression. It was a pained, on the verge of hysteria look. It was not unlike the expression you or I would develop in response to someone asking us to pick his or her nose! However, she recovered well and just ignored it. She responded to my reply. “I think it is an established fact that women, by and large, need a reason to have sex and men do not. Is that sufficient clarification?” Grace, the eighty five-year old, just rolled her eyes again and waited for my reply.

“Who established this as a fact? I’ve never heard Dr. Ruth say anything of the sort”, I replied. “Oh come on”, she gasped. “Dr. Ruth is a sex therapist. She is not concerned with the morality of sexual intercourse. Don’t you agree?” “No, I do not”, I said.

I went on to explain that while I concede that looking at Dr. Ruth makes me wonder how she gained all of that sexual experience, what she says makes a lot more sense to me than what self-appointed moralists have to say. I believe that both men AND women need a reason to have sex. Men, however, really don’t give a hoot about the reason and only a woman knows her own reason. And it is not, by a long shot, always reflective of the high moral standards all of you God people espouse.

Men and women are different. This is a biological fact of life. We don’t think alike and our very purposes for existence are different. My wife, for example, can sit though several hours of a movie or spend several days reading a book about a couple who want to have a relationship of a sexual nature but never actually have it. Men can’t do this. We can spend one, maybe two at the outside, minutes of yearning. After this, we expect to be naked.

“So, Joe, you don’t think that sex without love is an empty experience”, she asked. “Maybe it is and maybe it isn’t”, I told her. I continued, “I’ll bet you that if you made of list of the top five “empty” experiences and asked one hundred people at random to list them in order of best to worst, sex would be rated best.” Grace sprayed a mouthful of coffee all over the place and the church lady leading the discussion just about burst a vein in her forehead.

“Are you married and, if so, for how long”, she asked. “Thirty six-years”, I replied. “Well, your wife must be a saint”, she said somewhat condescendingly “That’s what I have been told. In fact, I am convinced that she is not even going to die. She is just going to ascend right into heaven”, I exclaimed. I continued; “I suspect, however, that the reasons for us lasting thirty six-years have more to do with my not having to apologize for being a clod-hampered, sex crazed man and her not feeling compelled to lecture me on the sanctity of the sex act. There is nothing wrong with having sex simply because it feels good!” Grace then asked me what I was doing later.

By now, there had to be twenty-five or thirty people gathered around our group listening with raptured interest! I was beginning to feel like I was doing stand-up comedy. I apologized to the church lady and explained that she was the unfortunate brunt of years of pent up frustrations with the God people. Having been born a Roman Catholic, I lost count of the number of times I was told that “impure” thoughts were a mortal sin.

“Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife” is a downright sexist commandment. Does this mean that it is all right for a wife to covet her neighbor’s husband? And what about those husbands who covet their neighbor’s husbands? Or wives who covet their neighbor’s wives? Not only is the commandment sexist, it is also vague! I do not believe that God authored the Ten Commandments at all. It was that tight-assed Moses. He had all kinds of hang-ups and was making sure that, since he couldn’t get it up, no one else was going to be getting any, either.

Coveting is a mental process. The ability to covet and consume lots of alcoholic beverages are nature’s way of leveling the sexual playing field for ugly people. For God’s sake, even ugly people need sex and if circumstances force them to have it with other ugly people, thinking about a hot neighbor is a Godsend.

There are a number of things for the God people to get upset about. Sex is not one of them. Right now, in downtown Wilmington, Delaware, all people have to do is open their doors and yell out, “BRING ME SOME POT!” and it will arrive faster than Domino’s can deliver a pizza. For some reason the police are paralyzed to do anything about it. However, let a lone fourth grader bow his or her head, make the sign of the cross, and say a silent prayer before a math exam, and the ACLU will come out of the woodwork waving the Constitution in everyone’s face.

Perhaps if we could redirect the energy consumed by our obsession over who is getting laid, how often, and with whom, we would have enough to do something about the serious stuff. Who knows? Well, something’s reared it head. I have to go!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net