So, um, whataya like?

By: Joseph Walther

This week’s topic is going to be a bit touchy because it involves… well, sex. There! I said it. I’ll wait a few seconds while some of you regain your composure. I had planned to write about muon decay and its role in supporting the idea of relativistic time dilation. Then, out of seemingly nowhere, along came Mr. Smut, replacing cerebral insight with visceral absorption.

Two things occurred this past week that SCREAMED at me—figuratively, of course—to write about such ungodly filth. I know some of you will be upset, but we MUST have this talk, because both occurrences validated, beyond a reasonable doubt, the adage, “Ya never know.”

First, I ran into a former neighbor at a lunch counter this past Wednesday afternoon. Seymour (not his real name) lived next door to me for about 5-years, around 10-years ago. Once we got through our respective “nice to see you” routines, I asked him how his wife was. Maybe, just maybe, someday I’ll learn just to shut the hell up!

He said, “She walked out on me two weeks ago and she’s going to file for a divorce.” I asked him what happened. He took the next 30-minutes to explain.

“I’ve always arrived home from work first; so, I always picked up the mail,” he told me. He continued to explain that he must have missed an item the last time around. His wife, for some reason, checked the mailbox later on and found the phone bill.

He explained, on and on and on, that when she opened it, she discovered a bill for $679, the bulk of which was the result of numerous calls to a 900-area code sex line. Wait! It gets even dumber.

When she called the number to check it out, she found out that it was a gay sex line. When she confronted him, he confessed everything, including the fact that he’d been doing it for several months, yet another indication that the point on Seymour’s mental pencil had broken off.

Then, looking at me as though he thought I was the reincarnation of Clarence Darrow, he asked me if I thought that she could actually obtain a divorce on the grounds of infidelity because, as he put it, he really didn’t “do nothing” but talk to a guy on the phone.

I’m not an attorney-at-law and I told him so. “But, Delaware is a no fault divorce state,” I explained. “Wifey-poo doesn’t have to prove infidelity. Either irreconcilable differences or irretrievable breakdown will do quite nicely,” I said.

I also told him that I thought a judge would probably side with his wife, especially in light of the fact that he (the husband) had demonstrated, quite effectively, a preference for the pole rather than the hole, if you get my drift.

No matter how you look at it, in my opinion, disputing the existence of physical infidelity, on the part of married people who engage in phone sex—gay or straight—with someone other than their spouses, is an exercise in visceral gymnastics of the dumbest kind.

In addition to “irretrievable breakdown,” his wife should also include stupidity as further justification for the divorce. There’s not a judge in the country that wouldn’t agree, unless the judge also owns a 900-gay sex phone number OR, frequents one.

I don’t condemn anyone for being gay because I don’t believe it’s a conscious choice. And, even if it is, it’s no one’s business as long as the parties are legally consenting adults acting within the confines of physical privacy. However, here is a man who paid almost $700 for “pretend” gay sex. He did nothing more than fantasize about having sex with another man… OVER THE PHONE… for 700 smackeroos! How dumb can it get?

Why was it so stupid? In northern New Castle County, Delaware, he could have had the “real” thing for around $50, including drinks and the price of a motel room! And, while his wife would have eventually found out about his activities, it would not have been through an overlooked phone bill left in the mailbox. Yep, in this case, stupidity is definitely sound reasoning behind the divorce.

Next, this past Friday afternoon, I was in a popular bookstore, the name of which begins with the letter “B.” A woman, perhaps in her early to mid-50s, and I were browsing some books on a stack directly in front of one of those seating/reading areas. Two 40ish-looking men (Harry and Kyle), seated next to each other on one of the sofas, were attempting to have a whispered conversation. Apparently, they had made contact on the Internet and agreed to meet at this particular bookstore.

Neither of them appeared to be adept at whispering, though. It was virtually impossible for her and me not to hear their dialog, as they discussed several distasteful details. It was quite a tête-à-tête, involving a potentially imminent melding of the heads, the ones without the brains, of course.

They discussed, in vivid detail, their respective sexual likes and dislikes, which one of them would be doing what to the other one, the pace at which they’d be doing it, and the fact that Kyle was not willing to do it in Harry’s van out of a fear of the police catching them. They agreed to split the price of motel room and headed out to the parking lot.

Nora—her real name—looked at me and asked if we should report them to the information desk. I asked her why. She told me that there were kids running all over the bookstore and she was concerned with their safety.

I replied, “Nora, these two pose no danger to children. They may even be married with children of their own. Perhaps they’re pathetic, socially inept, deeply closeted homosexuals in a desperate search for mutual sexual relief, but they’re not pedophiles. Neither of them fits the profile: a 40-something, heterosexual, likely married male.”

In fact, as we looked around us, we could not help but notice a much larger number of innocent appearing, straight acting, 40-something men, each a possible pedophilic predator. The thought sure did scare the hell out of ME!

Anyway, she acknowledged that I was probably right and we continued to talk about various things until she realized the time. “It’s been great talking to you. My husband is supposed to meet me at Boscov’s,” she said.

As she started to walk away, she turned back toward me and, with a devious wink, asked, “By the way, what do YOU like?” I winked back and asked her if she had a van.

I’ll be back next week. In the meantime, be wary of people driving vans. I think it might be an indication of some borderline sexual thing! I’m going to check into it and let you know what I find.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.

Damn! Another coverup uncovered.

By Joseph Walther

No one has ever accused me of being at a loss for words. For the most part, there are plenty of topics for me to write about and I don’t have to go much farther than the end of my block. Sometimes, though, things happen and the occasion simply screams, “Write about this!” It happened to me a couple of days ago.

On June 1, 2007, a youngster by the name of Leonard Fowajuh graduated from William Penn High School at the age of 16, and with a grade point average of 4.0, no less! He wanted to become a neurosurgeon. His life-long friend, 15-year-old Martin Chinje, also a William Penn student, was with him. Both boys and their families came from a West African country called Cameroon. Their families had planned a traditional party of celebration to honor the two of them on June 2nd.

The celebration began, but ended quickly and tragically. Yesterday, June 15th, their mothers, along with other family members, held a memorial service for them. The two youngsters drowned in the family pool where the party was taking place. There was no foul play involved. The pool area was vacant. One of the boys fell in. The other jumped in to save him. Others found them on the bottom of the pool about an hour later.

I don’t want to make this about these two kids. Their mothers have been through enough. Both boys were fine, decent, well-behaved, and academically gifted teenagers. Their families had irrefutable bragging rights. In fact, we should all grieve a little at their passing because our world will be worse off without them.

This is about the myriad responses to the newspaper article that announced the tragedy. The News Journal has a web site at www.delawareonline.com. Everything appearing in the print version of the paper also appears on the web site. In addition, readers have a forum in which to post responses to the many articles and columns.

You need only access an item online and click to post a comment, to see that racism, illiteracy, bigotry, general hatred, and old-fashioned stupidity are alive and well among those who post comments. The News Journal’s online staff does its best to remove the truly egregious comments. Unfortunately, some slip through anyway.

The general theme of the comments regarding this matter was conspiracy. Some of the comments were hate-filled and racist—both youngsters were black. The paper’s online staff removed them within minutes of other readers reporting them. The remaining ones were respectful and sympathetic toward the families of the deceased, some offering prayers and best wishes. However, the remaining comments implied that the New Journal intentionally kept the “whole” truth from us.

The state medical examiner had ruled the drownings as accidental. Prior to this, the Delaware State Police had also announced, from the scene, that it looked like an accident. The conspiracy theorists would have none of it, though.

There HAD to be more to this story. The general line of thinking was that these were teenagers and they were probably drinking. Most of the posters found it impossible to believe that BOTH teenagers could not swim! Therefore, the News Journal, in conjunction with the Delaware Medical Examiner’s Office, Delaware State Police, and the boys’ families, had gone into cover-up mode.

I rarely respond to these articles, not because I don’t want to, but because my father taught me, many moons ago, never to argue with morons. “They’ll just drag you down to their level and beat you with experience,” he always told me. However, I came across the following response, a voice that made some sense. I had to respond to it.

enoughalready wrote...

"...Does anyone think that this is what happened: friend #1 (who knows at this point which one) gets in trouble in the pool. friend #2 tries to help even though he cannot swim. Both end up in trouble and then drown. sounds pretty reasonable and innocent to me..... sad loss of life."

“Enoughalready” is the poster’s screen name. Most of the people who post article comments use factitious screen names. I don’t. I use my real name. Out of over forty comments to the original article, this is the only one that was literate and sensible. As I said, I had to respond to this one.

Enoughalready…

This makes perfect sense to me, but it's never going to satisfy the conspiracy theorists. They’ve already made up their minds. As usual, they hate people who confuse them with facts. In their minds, there HAS to be something sinister going on. The News Journal, State Medical Examiner, AND the State police are conspiring to keep us in the dark.

Now, there could be a conspiracy going on. But, I don't think there is in this case. Legally, the Delaware Medical Examiner is not required to release a full autopsy report in non-criminal cases. So, the public is never going to see the full report.

Keep in mind that I'm not saying that the News Journal has never screwed up a fact, or two, or three from time-to-time throughout its history. But, medical examiners tend to become pretty snotty whenever people question their medical reputations, not to mention the fact that they’re not into intentionally jeopardizing those medical reputations, as well as their professional licenses.

The fact that these two youngsters had been inseparable from early-childhood, and remained so up until their deaths, makes your suspicion all the more credible. You make a great deal of sense.

In addition and contrary to some opinions expressed in this forum about this case, the police do not rule on causes of death. Only a medical examiner, a board-certified pathologist (an MD), can make such rulings.

The police may speculate by making statements to the effect, "Based on the conditions at the scene, it appears to be an accident." I think the police did this. However, upon completion of an autopsy, the state medical examiner officially ruled it as such.

The pontificators, who seemed to have had it all figured out, conveniently forgot a couple of minor facts. A medical examiner would have been in a position to view, first hand, the presence of physical evidence that is always consistent with accidental drownings. Neither of these kids could swim, a fact provided by their families and the reason they gave for why the pool was not in use. Then, combining this physical evidence with the attending circumstantial evidence (non-swimmers, best of friends, etc.), the ME issued a logical, sensible ruling.

Oh, yes, let's not forget that there was no toxicological evidence of illegal drugs, either--including underage drinking. Had there been such evidence, this matter would have then become a criminal matter. By state law mandate, the ME would then have had to publish the full autopsy report, undoubtedly, a circumstance that would have piqued the Attorney General’s interest.

We read about incompetent medical examiners on occasion. Likewise, there are also dishonest medical examiners. In the case of the former, a ruling would be erroneous. In the case of the latter, the ruling would be a lie and a matter for the criminal justice system.

I readily admit that both scenarios I described above have happened. However, when you take such occurrences as a percentage of the total autopsies performed, they constitute an infinitesimally small number of cases. But, I’m going to go with the medical examiner in this case, even though there is something so... shall I say, EXOTIC about a good, old-fashioned conspiracy.

Finally, if anyone posting in this forum, about this matter, has some hard, physical evidence that seriously challenges the ME's findings, please email me. Send me your name and how to reach you at truefactseditor@comcast.net. I'll personally see that the Attorney General's office contacts you for a deposition.

No one has contacted me yet; and, there has not been a single additional comment posted to the original article. Perhaps they’ve all gone back to reexamining the Warren Commission Report on Kennedy’s assassination. Or, it could be those damn crop circles, too.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.

Daddy, are we there yet?

By Joseph Walther

Today, I can fly non-stop, from Philadelphia to San Diego in four to five hours, depending on flying conditions. Back in 1963, I drove it in a 1956 Chevy while pulling a 38-foot house trailer attached to the automobile by nothing more than a bumper hitch. Only stopping for an occasional two-hour nap, it took me 5-days. I was only 21-years old. I was also an idiot. I had no idea that a bumper hitch could NOT handle that big a load. Regardless, I made it, thus proving that ignorance is bliss and that luck is an integral part of staying alive.

When my mother found out about it, she sent me psychiatric get-well cards for 6-months. Had my father been alive, get-well cards would have been useless because he would have killed me. Most others, however, just shrugged and chalked it up to the “power of ignorance,” an idea that’s based on some idealistic notion that not knowing something’s impossible to do, makes its doing possible. While there are times when this may be true, it’s, more often, not.

I was searching my radio dial the other day when I came across a talk-radio host and a caller “discussing” space travel. The caller was making the point that “we” should be funding manned space exploration beyond our solar system. The radio host’s point was that the caller was a moron.

I’m not much on slinging insults at people. Unless, of course, it involves the jerk who invented that clear plastic wrap that statically wraps itself around your forearm whenever you tear a section off.

This particular caller may BE a moron. On the other hand, most people have no concept of the term, light-year. The caller struck me as just another person who cannot understand how big 6-trillion is. A light-year is a distance measurement and 6-trillion (6,000,000,000,000), in nice round numbers, is the number of miles involved.

The caller wanted us to go outside of our galaxy. The nearest one to us is Andromeda, a mere hop, skip, and jump of 2,000,000 light-years. A manned mission would involve a craft similar to our space shuttle, but capable of really hauling butt, at least to the tune of 85% the velocity of light.

Someday, maybe, if we survive long enough. Right now, though, our present level of technology makes the average orbital shuttle velocity about 18,000 MPH. Assuming that the thing’s structural integrity and fuel capacity could make the trip; it would take about 76-billion years (76,000,000,000) to get there. Double that if we plan on returning.

Let me break this to you as gently as I can. Our Sun, along with planet EARTH, has an estimated remaining lifespan of about 4.5-billion years, unless George Bush finds a way to stay in office another term, in which case it could be considerably less.

Our galaxy has an estimated diameter of about 100,000 light-years. That comes to, um…carry the 2 and, WOW, 600 quadrillion miles (600,000,000,000,000,000). The estimated diameter of the whole cosmos, as far as we can see, is 30-billion light-years. Aaaag! Forget it. My head is going to explode.

These numbers are meaningless. The concept of intergalactic travel was great in Star Trek. But, so was Counselor Troy, a genuine hottie, well worth the risk, at least in my estimation, of letting someone beam my butt around the universe. In reality, though, there’s no such thing as warp speed and the thought that there could be…someday, is pure speculation.

Here’s an idea. Let’s put manned deep space travel on the back burner, at least until we figure out how to get out of Iraq. Perhaps we could even try to figure out how to make sure that everyone has adequate health insurance coverage. Oh, yes, it’s also probably a good idea to make sure we’re not prematurely destroying our species through some of our hair brained environmental screw-ups. And, as a side project, we should spend a bit more time and effort on improving our educational system.

In fact, I can think of lots of other things we need to worry about ahead of getting our backsides to Andromeda and back. Or to Mars, for that matter!

But, as I said above, I would not have insulted that caller the way the radio host did. Yeah, the caller was a dumb ass for making such ridiculous statements. But, the least the radio host should have done was explain the galactic math involved. On the other hand, maybe he couldn’t do galactic arithmetic, either. I’ll bet he’s the same one who invented that clear plastic wrap that statically wraps around your forearm whenever you tear some off. What an idiot!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.

Um, where's the sense in THAT?

By Joseph Walther

I receive hundreds of emails each week regarding what I say in this forum. Some are too stupid to discuss. Most are sincere, aimed at conveying other points of view. Still, others ask for technical advice that I may or may not be able to give. Here are a few of them from the past couple of months.

I received one last Thursday from Tom B. He’s been using computers at home for about 4-years. He does mostly word processing. He uses email and accesses the Internet on a regular basis. His email client is Outlook Express and his Internet browser is Internet Explorer. Early on, someone introduced him to a word processing program called Yeah Write. He wanted to know if he’d be better off switching to MSWord 2007.

Tom, what makes you think that I’m an expert in this stuff? I’m not. I do know, however, that I can’t tell you if you’d be better off without knowing how many features of MSWord you would use. Based on our emails, it looks like you would use only about 40% of Word’s features, which is typical for 60% to 70% of the people who use MSWord.

Based on what I could find out about Yeah Write, all of the features he wants are available, as long as he does not need to insert a graphic. Graphic support does not seem to be available with the free version. I didn’t try the $29 full version. According to Tom, he’d insert graphics if he could. So, finding one that supports this feature is a smart move. However, is it necessary to move to something as sophisticated and expensive as MSWord 2007?

There are many practical and less expensive alternatives. A few of them are complete office suites and they’re free. First, however, he needs to do some simple arithmetic before spending his hard-earned money. People rarely do this BEFORE buying software. So, let’s look at an analysis.

I’ll use CompUSA’s standard retail price for a standalone version of MSWord 2007, which is $229.99 for a new installation or $109.99 for an upgrade from a qualified product. Tom does not qualify for an upgrade price.

If he spends $299.99 for a software program and uses only 40% of its features, he’s effectively paid $750 for that software. It sounds astonishing and it is. However, it’s still true. Mathematically, it boils down to a simple yield problem. You derive a 40% feature usage out of 100% available. Divide the price you pay by the 40%. It’s as simple as that.

MSWord is a good and powerful word processing program. If you NEED most of the features of MSWord 2007 then it is worth every penny of the $299.99 you will pay. I’m defining “most” as using 93% of the available features. Do the arithmetic again and see the difference.

Fortunately, for Microsoft Corporation, a large number of consumers never analyze the difference between actual cash outlay and “effective” price paid. If they did, fewer people would be using MSWord or, for that matter, the MS Office Suite, simply because they’re expensive overkill: like using nuclear weapons to dispel an unruly crowd.

On the other hand, if you’d rather ignore an actual cash outlay versus effective price paid analysis, you certainly have the right to do so. For many people, ignorance is not merely bliss; it comprises the “kiss” and “lubricant” that seem to elevate an old-fashioned painful screwing to a perceived love making session.

I found 17-alternatives to MSWord on the Internet. They’re all free. My two choices are Thinkfree Office and Google Docs & Spreadsheets. They are both web-based. They both have 80% of MSWord’s features. They both convert to and from the DOC and DOCX format. You can’t beat the price and usability. And, neither kisses nor lubricants are necessary! On the other hand, if you enjoy that sort of pain…

Another reader, Ellen, read one of my columns a few months ago in which I criticized the Bush administration’s “War on terror” as a logical reason for invading Iraq. She asked, “How could so many of us have been, initially, convinced to do this?” This was a great question.

I’m not a pacifist. There are legitimate reasons for going to war. The Bush administration probably believed with every fiber of its collective being that Iraq posed a real and present danger to the United States of America. I gave them the benefit of the doubt. However, I’ve become more convinced with each day that I was wrong.

“Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in any country.” This quote didn’t come from some left-leaning liberal American. It came from Herman Goering of German Nazi fame.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Terrorism is a tactic, not a country. Invading another country does nothing to eliminate it. While there may have been some legitimate reasons for invading Iraq, using the mantra, “We’ll fight the terrorist over there so we won’t have to fight them over here,” was a patronizing thing to do. Terrorists reside all over the world, not to mention the fact that many have been here for decades—some were born here. Terrorists are people who hate passionately because doing so gives meaning to their grossly empty and miserable lives.

Another reader, Bill Noma, took exception with the way I constantly criticized Reverend Pat Robertson AND the late Reverend Jerry Falwell. He told me that I should be ashamed of myself for disparaging two of the “most sincere, well-intentioned, and moral men of the cloth we’ve ever known.”

Bill, I met Jerry Falwell in Virginia. I even had the chance to speak with him. In person, he impressed me as everything you’ve described, a very likeable person. Of course, we can’t overlook the fact that likeability depends on perspective. Considering perspective, Archie Bunker was also “sincere, well-intentioned, and moral.” At any rate, neither Falwell nor Robertson ever missed an opportunity to show both insensitivity and stupidity.

Falwell declared many things to be moral facts. I disagreed with many of them. As a public persona, I disliked him immensely. The same goes for Robertson. There is no law against disliking people. If I dislike certain people, I am a firm believer in knocking them hard while they are alive. Apparently, once they’re dead, we have to speak well of them. I refuse to do that.

Finally, 18-year-old Dave emailed me asking whom I would vote for in 2008. He wanted to know which of the candidates, out of the current crop in both parties, I think is the most truthful.

I’m flattered, Dave. But, it’s too early to pick a candidate for United States President. I could be dead by the election of 2008. Regardless, though, I’ve become quite skeptical regarding the political format in this country. Truthfulness is nothing more than a vocabulary word in politics. I’ve witnessed an alarming trend over the past twenty years. Convenience has become the imperative and truth has become an option. While truth can be a mighty weapon, I don’t think it’s mere coincidence that we’re not allowed to take weapons into government buildings.

That’s it for this week. Stay tuned for more stuff and ramblings next week. I’ve built a pile of stupid stuff to write about. But, newer and stupider stuff happens at the blink of an eye. For example, we’re holding a school-tax referendum vote on June 4^th, here in the Brandywine School District. It’s become controversial and heated. A caller to a radio talk show asked the district superintendent, “Why is are kids getting stupider?” See what I mean?

I’ll be back. There’s simply no way I can let this sort of thing pass!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.