You're gonna go blind!

Did I Feel Guilty!
By Joseph Walther


Since this is Easter Sunday in the Christian world, I thought I would speak to you about guilt. I am not talking about legal guilt, the kind that is associated with what a prosecutor can prove in a criminal court. Intentionally killing someone for driving too slowly, even after you have blown your horn several times, is a good example. Personally, I don’t think this should be a crime. In fact, I think it should be encouraged! Unfortunately, the law frowns on it right now and the police will arrest you and charge you with some level of murder, up to and including murder in the first-degree. If the prosecution can prove its case, a jury is going to find you “guilty”.

This is “legal” guilt. The kind of guilt I mean, though, is far worse. It is a hideous form of guilt! It is unyielding and causes prolonged and severe pain. Yes, you have probably figured it out by now. It is the psychological pain that can only come from…dare I say it…RELIGION. The worst that can happen as the result of legal guilt, even for first-degree murder, is execution. This is a snap. They inject you; you go into the “big” sleep and then peace. This other guilt, though, can last an entire lifetime and, adding insult to injury, you STILL die.

All religions are the same, guilt with different holidays. Frankly, I don’t believe the guilt from religious denomination to denomination is very different. However, the amount of skill with which the instillers deliver the guilt and the depth to which one feels it IS different. For example, I was born and raised as a Roman Catholic. The Catholic Church leadership is comprised of experts in the generation and intensification of psychological guilt and the nuns were the undisputed masters.

I attended St. Helena’s elementary school. I believe that the order of sisters teaching at that time was the “Sisters of Perpetual Pain”. These women made the Inquisitions of the middle ages seem like a trip to Disney Land. They could do things with rulers that my protestant friends could not even imagine. They wore habits that covered everything. I was at least forty years old before I realized that nuns had legs! I once watched one of the sisters put a classmate’s baseball bat into her habit pocket and her arm disappeared to her shoulder joint when she did it.

They had all of us believing that all of the boys should be priests and all of the girls should be nuns. While I had no idea, back then, what masturbation was, we ALL knew what “jacking off” meant. However, the Sisters could not bring themselves to say that. They kept telling us that if we masturbated, we would go blind. None of us had anything to worry about because we did not "masturbate", whatever that was. Well, let me tell you. Today I wear glasses with lenses that look like the bottoms of coke bottles all because nuns would not say, “jack off”!

The Church did not permit unmarried Catholics to engage in s-e-x, worse; they had us convinced that if we even thought about it, we would go to hell if we died before going to confession. And, those priests knew all the good leads, too. I once told the parish priest at confession that I had committed a mortal sin involving s-e-x. He asked me if it was with that awful “Debbie”. Well, I had no idea who Debbie was, but I wish that I had followed up on THAT lead because I found out later that that she had done Dallas.

When I was in sixth grade back in St. Helena’s, my father told me that he was going to kill me if I didn’t start getting better grades. The law allowed fathers, back then, to do this. At least, that’s what MY father had me believing. He also had me convinced that if he did kill me, it wouldn’t bother him at all because he could make another one just like me! Anyway, I figured that unless I could find and easier way, I would have to start studying. I thought of this incredible plan. I told Sister Brainbruzer that I wanted to become a priest. It worked! My grades went up two levels, from F’s to C’s. My father was happy; I got to live; and I had it made from then on. On a side note, I actually did go into the seminary, but because of my improved grades, I was able to read a dictionary. Once I found out what celibacy meant, I got out of there as fast as possible.

Here I am today at the age of sixty-two. If my eyesight gets any worse, I will need a dog and a cane. Thank you, SISTERS. I stopped, for a while at least, feeling guilty about impure thoughts. Let’s face it, once we hit the sixties, some of us stop getting those thoughts. Hell, some guys couldn’t do anything about an impure thought, even if one were to occur. Then, a miracle happened. I began having impure thoughts again. Thank you, VIAGRA! I have a whole new lease on life now.

At this stage of my life, I am not afraid of anything. I raised teenagers and survived to tell about it. After that, I am not about to fear anything as inconsequential as hell. There is a former colleague, come to think of it, that I would definitely like to… well let’s just say that she would make spending eternity in hell worth it. Neither, I hasten to add, would I consider a fatal heart attack too high a price to pay. How’s that for overcoming psychological guilt?

Have a happy Easter and the next time you see a blind guy, the Sisters of Perpetual Pain may be the culprits just because of simple miscommunication!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

It didn't happen on my watch. I was drunk!

Alcoholism Made Me Do It!
By: Joseph Walther


Dateline Wilmington, Delaware ― The News Journal, Delaware’s contribution to Gonzo Journalism, emblazoned its Sunday edition’s front page with one-inch high, bold black print that “Disgraced DRBA chief Harkins gets 14 months”. For those in the dark, Michael E. Harkins was the executive director of the Delaware River Bay Authority and a former Secretary of State. He pleaded guilty about a year ago to filing false tax returns in connection with the misuse of an airplane leased by the Authority. He had even ordered the pilot and an Authority police officer to alter the plane’s records to hide the misconduct.

The amounts involved were substantial and I am not going to get into those details here. Al Mascitti, a News Journal columnist who people love or hate depending on whether they agree or disagree with him, pretty much hit the nail on the head in his Sunday column. You can find the column at www.delawareonline.com. In addition, this story will provide fodder for the talk shows in Delaware for almost a week or so.

The outcries for sentencing leniency were loud and numerous. Their sources involved all social levels, including Delaware’s entire congressional delegation and the powerful wheelers and dealers from its business community. Senator Biden, as well as Harkins’ lawyer, Victor Battaglia blamed alcoholism for the crimes. A city council woman, Loretta Walsh, lamented that the judge probably felt compelled to make an example of him. Of course, others felt that the sentence was too lenient and that we should execute Mr. Harkins, or at the very least, hit him very hard with a brick.

This is all fine and good. Mascitti’s column is worth reading. Harkins supporters think that he has done a lot of good and deserves a break. Other than his alcoholism, it seems they want him canonized as soon as possible. His detractors, though fewer than his supporters, think that he is pond scum and should spend eternity in the fires of hell.

Other than hearing him speak from time-to-time, I really have no basis to form a personal opinion of him as a human being. His family certainly does not deserve the notoriety associated with his crimes and sentence. Therefore, I would like to look at all of this from a different perspective.

Michael E. Harkins earned $190,000 per year as the executive director of the Delaware River Bay Authority. I do not know what he earned in his former role as Secretary of State. I do know, however, that Delaware’s Secretary of State is the highest paid cabinet position. Harkins was also a respected member of Delaware’s Republican Party. He had prestige and POWER. He also possessed a humongous ego along with the commensurate level of arrogance. All of this, combined with alcoholism, amounts to a sure-fire recipe for personal disaster. Ego, if it gets out of control, begets unfettered arrogance and unfettered arrogance begets stupidity in monumental proportions. Alcoholism merely numbs the senses and speeds up the sequence of events.

I have no problems with Mr. Battaglia blaming all of this on alcoholism. As Mr. Harkins’ defense attorney, he was paid to put the most positive spin on a no win situation. I would expect nothing less. The others who did so, however, are so far off base it is beyond ridiculous. They do Michael Harkins, his family, and the rest of us in Delaware a disservice.

Something, in the terms of Michael Harkins’ life to date, was missing. I will not speculate as to what it was because I do not know what it was. Whatever it was, though, it constituted feelings of depression severe enough for him to seek a solution in alcoholic beverages. At first, this makes a person feel “better” about things. The problem is that it takes an ever increasing amount of “feel better” juice to keep on feeling better at previous levels of “feeling better”, if you get my drift.

Every alcoholic, or any other substance abuser I have known, has experienced this phenomenon and it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that Michael Harkins held powerful positions. The only difference between Mr. Harkins’ downfall due to alcoholism and some obscure Mr. Nobody’s is opportunity. Mr. Nobody’s destructive behavior ruins his own life and devastates his family. It does not make the News Journal’s front-page headlines. Mr. Nobody lacks both power and influence to generate the public interest that would lead a newspaper to put it on its front page. In other words, the average Mr. Nobody does not sell newspapers.

If Mr. Harkins really wants to convince us that he regrets his conduct because it was WRONG and not because the law caught up to him, He has an excellent opportunity to do so. Here is what he needs to do.

First, he has to accept the fact that he is a convicted felon, no less than the other felons convicted of similar crimes. He has to admit to himself that he is not a victim of circumstance. He did the crime and now he must do the time. He must let the clang of prison doors make him understand that he has done something seriously wrong and that alcoholism has helped get him to this point. Second, he has to apologize to his family for what he has done to them and promise to make amends in some way. They will understand. Third, after the federal authorities release him from prison and he begins his community service, he needs to do so sincerely with no excuses or other rationalizations. Fourth, he should spend regularly scheduled times speaking to groups with problems similar to those that caused the disaster in his life and what he is doing to prevent future personal disasters. In doing so, he may well find some of that missing stuff in his life.

I do not consider Michael E. Harkins evil incarnate. He is a human being. He, like tens of thousands of others in this country, experiences some aspects of depression in his life. Unfortunately, he chose drinking as his antidepressant. It did not work. All it did was increase his feelings of invincibility and immunity, teaching him the hard way that the more power a person abuses, the harder he falls and the greater the embarrasment.

I am not one of those who think prison is for rehabilitation. Prison is for punishment. Rehabilitation is personal and a person must want to rehabilitate him or herself. Otherwise, it just is not going to happen. Will it happen in Michael Harkins’ case? I hope for his sake that it does, but only time will tell.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

You wanna see some dirty pictures?

Whoa! What Have We Here?
By: Joseph Walther


“Bloggers beware – your boss may not be amused.” This tagline appeared in the Sunday News Journal’s business section. The News Journal, for those out-of-state readers, is Delaware’s premier newspaper. The premier tag has nothing to do with news quality. Sadly, though, it is the only newspaper with statewide circulation. Anyway, talk about startling taglines! This one got my attention real fast because it referred to two employees from different employers fired because those employers did not like the content of their respective BLOGS. Writers refer to web logs posted to the Internet as BLOGS.

The first incident involved a former Delta Airlines flight attendant, Ellen Simonetti. Ellen posted pictures of herself in uniform and in poses termed as “suggestive” by her employer. Naturally, in the interest of justice, I brought up her BLOG to see for myself. What her site suggested to me was that Ellen is a very attractive woman with LEGS TO DIE FOR. My first impulse was to find a reason to fly Delta. I did NOT have impure thoughts, though. All right, I will admit that some blood rushed to the groin area. I’m only human, you know! But other than causing a slight dent in the underside of my computer table, nothing else happened and I went back to checking Ellen’s BLOG for some more of that “suggestive” content. Unfortunately, I did not find any.

It seems to me that “suggestive” is in the eye of the beholder. In this case, I can envision a crotchety older employer, suffering from a prolonged period of, shall we say, forced carnal abstinence. Unable to get any on his own and too cheap to buy Viagra, he decides to punish poor Ellen because HE is having dirty thoughts. All Ellen did was show some leg and, I hasten to add, some nice looking leg at that. (Ouch! Don’t worry, just another blood rush and another dent in the underside of my computer table.)

The First Amendment restricts the government control of speech. So, while it is a constitutionally protected right to refer to the President of the United States as a “former town drunk”, it is not so to refer to your private sector boss as a homely moron unable to make out in a whore house with a handful of fifty dollar bills. More disturbing to me is the question of what constitutes a “private” employer.

The State, Delaware or any other, is an employer. If an employee of the State of Delaware refers to its governor, Ruth Ann Minner, as Cruella Deville of “101 Dalmatian fame”. Could the State of Delaware fire the employee? Suppose further, that a second employee admonishes the first one by referring to Cruella Deville as “one hot lady” as compared to Ruth Ann Minner. Are there grounds for firing both employees?

Suppose, as a hypothetical example, that an employee of Delaware Technical and Community College, a state agency, writes that dead leaves have more brain cells than all of the members of the President’s Council combined. Then, suppose another employee publicly criticizes the first one for bestowing such completely unwarranted flattery on the President’s Council. Can Delaware Tech fire these employees?

Assume that a highly competent professional fundraiser recently resigned from the same state agency. If an employee questioned the merit in letting this happen by writing that, “she became an intellectual threat to two Campus Directors”, could Delaware Tech legitimately fire such an employee? Would it matter at all if, say, the professional fundraiser has more brain cells in her little toe than the two campus directors have in their entire bodies?

Assume, for the purpose of argument, that a state agency decides to hold an annual “mandatory” employee recognition event. Can you imagine anyone doing this? Let’s assume it’s true, though. If one of the employees decided to criticize this practice with a BLOG, would that employee be subject to a righteous firing. Would that employee be subject to dismissal even though most of the agency’s employees had indicated a preference for going to the dentist for anesthesia-free root canals than attend the recognition event?

Please understand. These are hypothetical situations. God knows that I can’t think of anyone actually dumb enough to do this stuff. We all know, though, that weirder things happen with alarming frequency. However, the question remains as to whether the law considers any State as a “private” employer pertaining to the First Amendment? Even more specifically, does the law consider state agencies as “private” employers relative to the First Amendment? This matter is very troubling. The Delaware Attorney General needs to clarify this. Certainly, there must be some kind-hearted soul out there who would be willing to read this column to her.

Oh yes, I did refer to two fired employees at the beginning of this column. The other one was some male dweeb who worked for Microsoft Corporation. Well, it serves him right for not knowing when to stop typing about Bill Gates. Ellen Simonetti, on the other hand, is an innocent victim of ruthless censorship. OUCH, another dent, only this time I felt myself get a bit light-headed with that blood rush! Man, I have to start moving this chair a little farther back from my computer table.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net

You got time for a few questions?

How Do You Feel About…
By: Joseph Walther

I just received another questionnaire from Washington, DC. This one came from the Republican National Committee. I am a registered Republican, although, I freely admit that this is something I am growing increasingly ashamed of and the likes of Sean Hannity do not help. Listening to the Democratic National Committee, however, makes me thankful for being a Republican. I have thought about changing my affiliation to “Independent”, but abandoned that idea. I just felt that it would be too much like claiming to be bi-sexual in that it is just too tough to decide one way or the other.

The problem with these questionnaires is that they never prove anything. Their authors word them in a way designed to get a desired result. This is very easy to do and it works for all categories of concern, from religion to consumer issues. For example, if you are a smoker and ask a priest or minister if it is all right to smoke while praying, the likely response will be an emphatic NO! If you want to get a YES answer to the question, you will have to reword it. Simply ask if it is all right to pray while smoking. See what I mean?

Political questionnaires are actually surveys. But, since people generally dislike answering surveys, why not change the name to “questionnaire”? No matter what we call them, the authors always design them around the same basic themes of political leadership, government responsibilities, and a few specific issues that may be of concern to various constituencies.

I know that at least four members of the U. S. Congress read this column every week. They have registered to receive automatic weekly updates. In addition to this, six local politicians are registered. Perhaps I can preempt additional “questionnaires” by listing my opinions on the themes listed above. Gee, do you suppose it’s worth a shot?

I will break my opinions down into three parts. Part I will concern the theme of Political Leadership. Part II will cover the theme of our government’s responsibilities concerning our safety and overall well-being. Part III will deal with the theme of some of the specific issues we face. So, here we go.

PART I: POLITICAL LEADERSHIP

There are currently 535 members of the United States Congress, segregated into 435 members in the lower chamber called the House of Representatives. Society calls these people Congressmen or, more politically correct, Congress Persons. On the other hand, perhaps you are more familiar with some of the more affectionate names such as prostitutes, crooks, morons, bottom feeders, and pimps. The upper chamber contains 100 members called senators. Of course, many people call them the Intrepid Windbags.

What we call these people is irrelevant. The U. S. Congressional Leadership, taken together, could not hit the water if it fell out of a boat. They all have egos the size of California and millionaire bank accounts. They, in addition to the other members of Congress, are not required to live according to the rules they set for the rest of us. They believe that the Bill of Rights is void where prohibited by law.

Many people in this wonderful country are great visionaries. They are people who possess the courage of their convictions plus integrity that is beyond reproach. Unfortunately, such people seldom run for public office. Whenever one does, the baboon members of the press tear him/her to shreds. The press cannot seem to separate relevant facts from non-essential bullshit. This problem is prevalent among people who like to flick fly shit out of pepper. So, we are stuck with what we have and it will not change until people start throwing the bums out. Then, again, don’t hold your breath!

PART II: GOVERNMENT RESPONSIBILITES

People who really think the government can protect them have been doing too many sit ups under parked cars. Yes, there is violent crime out there. Yes, there are terrorists out there who want to kill us. Yes, there are scam artists out there. Yes, there is random violence lurking out there. There is also a tremendous amount of money involved in the perception that the government can protect us. In other words, the more people can be scared into dodofying their briefs over possibilities, the more the government will spend to give the perception of stopping it. There is a sucker born every second and Congress will leave no dime unspent to take advantage of it.

Millions of parents, like me, have raised teenagers and have lived to tell about it. Nothing should scare us after this kind of experience! Besides, none of these things combined can compare to the way Congress can screw us in just one afternoon session on the “Hill”!

PART III: THE THEME OF SPECIFIC ISSUES

This theme involves some tried and tested issues guaranteed to accomplish two things. First, is to get people irritated as hell. Bring them to a boil. Divide the population. Second, is to provide the politicians with an unending parade of positions. Politicians love to hear themselves talk and “specific issues” provide such a forum. I will list each one of my favorites.

CRIME:

I feel certain that no politician will disagree with me on this one. CRIME IS BAD! I am a conservative. Not only do I believe in the death penalty, I think we should use it more frequently and for more types of crimes. People who talk on cell phones in restaurants, people who drive less than 90 miles per hour in the left lane on interstates, people who jaywalk, politicians who run for office because “they want to help people”, drivers who turn their turn signal on AFTER the light turns green at busy intersections, women who dig through purses the size of compact cars for that penny while the REST OF US WAIT AT THE CHECKOUT COUNTER, and that moron who invented the clear plastic wrap that wraps itself around you forearm when you tear a piece off should all be hacked to death with machetes. I’d like to see more proposed legislation like this?

TAXES:

This is a simple one. We pay too much in taxes and the tax laws are so complicated that the IRS can’t understand them. In fact, I’ll bet half of the lawyers who write this stuff don’t understand it. We all should pay less and I, personally, would prefer to pay nothing at all. And, we should electrocute ANYONE who uses the terms “fair” and “taxes” in the same sentence!

SOCIAL SECURITY:

I never really gave social security much thought until approximately yesterday, when I realized that I was 62 years old. Since then, I have been feeling a lot more empathy for older people suffering from joint pain, vision problems, bladder disorders, ballooning prostrates, and hemorrhoids the size of an average adult thumb.

The more I think about this, the more I am inclined to favor such transfer programs as social security. I’ll get back to you on this later, especially if I start drooling or find myself in dire need of Preparation H. Under no circumstances, however, do I believe that a senior citizen who pulls into Burger King in a brand new $75,000 Mercedes should receive a senior citizen discount. Let the jerk sell the Mercedes!

DRUGS:

If I have to experience any pain, I WANT DRUGS! I don’t want to hock my house to pay for them, either. As for recreational drugs, like pot, cocaine, heroin, and any of the other varieties, I am generally against them. However, if people insist on removing themselves from the gene pool by using such drugs, I see no reason to prevent it. The “war on drugs” is like the “war on terror”, a no win situation. People with common sense know this but we are, after all, talking about our government.

HEALTH CARE:

About two months ago, I had a physical that included a prostate examination. I firmly believe in regular physicals. I have one, like clockwork, every twenty to twenty five years. The fact of the matter is that I began to stay away from the doctor right after the first time one checked my prostate. Besides, my stepfather was a doctor for 45-years and philosophized, “As long as you feel all right, why look under the rocks?”

There is no denying that there are many serious issues with health care in this country. However, at the age of 62, I am teetering on the verge of geezerhood, a time at which prostate problems become prevalent. In light of this, I think the government should spend whatever it takes to find a different way to check that sucker!

ELECTED OFFICIAL AND SEX SCANDALS:

Oh, cut me a break, will you? Officeholders have the same need of getting laid as anyone else. In fact, the personalities of some officeholders preclude getting laid any other way. I do not care one iota about officeholders’ sex lives and sexual escapades as long as we are talking about consenting adults and they are not molesting children. Only priests can do this!

Ever since Bill Clinton got a blowjob in the Oval Office, the moralists have been having a field day. I do admit that I was disappointed at him for doing this in the Oval Office. After all, many people consider it a “special” place. The least the guy could have done was spring for a motel room or, if the secret service was a problem, take it outside behind a tree or something.

I hope this clears a few things up and the Republican Party will consider removing me from its mailing list.

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net