Oh, PSHAW! Huh?

Watch Your Language, Eldorko!
By Joseph Walther


Just about forty-five minutes ago, I overheard two college-age women using a word that normal people never use in public. I suspect that they were merely repeating something that one of their professors had said. But still! People use this word to express irritation, disapproval, contempt, and disbelief. Yes, all of you readers have heard the word, at one time or another, but have far too much self-esteem to use it in public. I want to get this out in the open. So I’m just going to come right out and say the word: PSHAW! Can any of you imagine using this word under any circumstances other than to appease some poor, demented grammar Nazi?

This made me think back to a few of those momentous occasions when I felt a need to verbalize my irritation, disapproval, contempt, shock, and disbelief. I am also going to combine these kinds of emotional states with the myriad of stupid things that I have heard people say and do over the past forty years.

Two weeks ago, a friend of mine died in a skydiving related accident. Don and I had known each other since our respective senior years in high school. I started skydiving on June 18, 1962 and continued doing so until my last jump on September 30, 2000. So, having hurled myself out of many jump planes over a period of thirty-eight years, I know a thing or two about it.

“You can all take a great deal of consolation in the fact that Don died doing something that he loved.” These words spewed from the mouth of a minister who had never met the deceased. For me, they had the same irritating effect as the sound of fingernails screeching their way across a slate chalkboard. How wonderful it must have been for Don to die skydiving. God must have thought him a very special person. After all, He could have let him die in an automobile accident, or as the result of some ridiculous, run-of-the-mill heart attack.

When skydivers leave a jump plane from about 14,000 feet, free fall, and deploy the main chute at about 2,200 feet, they are descending at terminal velocity—a rate of about 120 miles per hour. If the main chute does not deploy at the 2,200-foot point, the skydiver is approximately 12-seconds from the mother lode of sudden stops. Bear with me here. The application of some simple fourth grade arithmetic clarifies everything.

Let’s see. At 2,200 feet above terra firma, the jumper is falling at 176 feet per second. The jumper then deploys the main chute. It takes about 3 seconds for a main to deploy and fully inflate, during which the jumper falls an additional 528 feet and is now about 9-seconds away from that mother lode of all sudden stops. If the main chute successfully deploys, the jumper’s heart rate begins to inch its way back to normal. Simultaneously, the jumper begins to experience feelings of elation and guilt over having so much fun!

On the other hand, if the main chute does not deploy, all sorts of nasty things begin to happen. “Oh, PSHAW”, says the skydiver; as both bladder and bowel control begin to slipping away. “I wonder what has happened?” the jumper asks further. Another 2 to 3-seconds go by before the jumper gets it sorted out and decides to deploy the reserve chute. Yep, another 528 more feet have whizzed on by, not to mention that the jumper is no more than 6-seconds from that mother lode of all sudden stops. If this is the skydiver’s first malfunction, the urine has already begun its flow down the insides of both thighs and the bowels are definitely considering emptying themselves through the jumper’s anal canal.

“PSHAW”, exclaims the skydiver again! A quick pull on the reserve handle should open the reserve chute. By now, the jumper is 352 feet closer to mother earth: mere 4-seconds from that mother lode of all sudden stops. “PSHAW, that silly chute had better show itself”, exclaims the skydiver once again! If the reserve deploys successfully, the jumper regains a bit of that cockiness and hope in that a normal heartbeat will soon resume. Of course, reality has already set it concerning the underwear. They are beyond help and someone will have to burn them.

If the reserve does not deploy, there will be one hell of a thud. The impact will leave an indentation in the ground and the jumper will definitely slosh a bit while being carried away from the scene in the body bag. This will happen before the jumper can scream out another “PSHAW.” I even doubt that the jumper will have sufficient time to say, “Thank ya, Jesus, for letting me die while doing something I love!”

Readers, having experienced such events first hand, I assure you that I was able to express my feelings in precise, no-doubt-about-it terminology. Believe me when I tell you that the phrase, “OH PSHAW”, never entered my mind. Neither, incidentally, did I have any impulses to thank Jesus for anything.

Over the years, especially after the birth of my children, I experienced other emotionally trying events. I still cannot find the words to express fully how I felt when I received the first automobile insurance bill that included my son’s vehicle. I am sure that somewhere, some parent may have said, “Oh pshaw”, given similar circumstances; but it’s not what I said when I saw the humongous increase in the bill. Go ahead! Try to guess what I said.

No parent could ever forget how, out of nowhere, a ringing telephone shattered a peaceful sleep. On the other end was a female voice who said, “Mr. Walther, you need to come to the emergency room. Your son was in an automobile accident.” He’s fine” she continued, “So don’t worry.” “He’s just had a bit too much to drink. He lost control of his SUV, took out a telephone pole and seven parked cars.”

Now, I suppose that I could have gone to his mother and said, “Oh pshaw, that crazy young man decided to drink and drive. He totaled his car while simultaneously severing a telephone pole and damaging seven other parked cars.” Yes, I could have said this; but I didn’t say it. No one in the real world says, “Pshaw!” Use your imaginations. With a little effort, I’ll bet dollars to donuts that most of you parents can figure out what I said, though. When my wife asked me if he was ok, I said, “Sure, God spared him because He knew that I’d want to be the one to kill him!”

Then, just two days ago, I heard someone hawking cemetery services for Catholic Cemeteries, Inc. The dude said, “Love is more powerful than death.” This and others, in his considered opinion, is an obvious reason for considering a Catholic Cemeteries, Inc. location as a “final resting place” for our loved ones. Yes, he actually said this! There is a technical term for describing such statements. It’s a… um… stupid! Yes, that’s the term.

Ouch! Oh shi… I mean PSHAW! I just stubbed my toe on the leg of the chair I’m sitting on. Oh pshaw, it really hurts. Gosh, darn it, all!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: TheTrueFacts@comcast.net

Look out! Liberals is idiots.

What You Think Is Not Always Fact
By Joseph Walther

A couple of things hit my radar this past week. First, two more books about all of those stinkin’, lowdown, lyin’, America hatin’ liberals hit the local bookstores this past week. The second thing involves an incident that happened in a local convenience store last Friday afternoon. One employee jumped all over another employee for “always lookin’ like she’s pissed off at the world.” The former is fodder for stand-up comics; while the latter borders on sheer ignorance.

Part One – The Books…

Mike Gallagher wrote the first book, “Surrounded by Idiots”. He was in downtown Wilmington, Delaware at the Ninth Street Book Store promoting it last week or maybe the week before. Bernard Goldberg wrote the second one, “100 People Who Are Screwing Up America”. I saw him on a couple of the cable channels hawking it.

“Surrounded by Idiots” is a compendium of Mike Gallagher tirades against people who question the veracity of the absolute. For those unaware of it, he is the host of the “Mike Gallagher Show”, a syndicated conservative talk radio show. Delaware’s WILM, 1450 on your AM dial, broadcasts his show weekdays. I don’t think it has anything to do with raw popularity. It’s more a matter of finding filler for the afternoon; and carrying Gallagher is cheaper than Limbaugh and causes less damage. In fact, I have listened to the Mike Gallagher Show and it would not surprise me to find that his show is one of the most listened to shows of all the shows that not many people listen to.

Mike also fills in for Fox TV’s Sean Hannity from time-to-time whenever Hannity’s wife permits him to go somewhere without her. Also, let’s not forget Fox is also the home of the most famous high-heeled pit-bull of all time: Ann Coulter. In addition, Fox is headquarters to that incessant windbag: Geraldo Rivera.

People have accused me of calling Mr. Gallagher stupid. I resent this because it is not true. Don’t get the wrong impression; I believe that there are truly stupid people in this country. Michael Jackson, Robert Blake, O. J. Simpson, Paris Hilton, Al Sharpton, Michael Moore, Ted Kennedy, and whoever invented that clear plastic wrap that wraps itself around your forearm whenever you tear a piece off, are a few that come to mind. However, compassion demands that I look at things from Mr. Gallagher’s perspective. Can any of you imagine how forebodingly steep a climb Mr. Gallagher sees at the prospect of raising himself to their level of intellectual sophistication?

No, I’m afraid that Gallagher’s problem goes much deeper than emotional masturbation. Mike Gallagher has the look and sound of someone in constant pain. Knuckles on both hands, raw-to-bone bloody from constantly dragging them along the ground, has to reduce the sharpness quotient greatly. It is bound to cause manifest irritation in even the most stoic amongst us. If you doubt me, go to his WEB Site, http://www.mikeonline.com/. This is definitely a look of ignorant bliss caused by chronic pain and Neanderthal Syndrome.

Bernard Goldberg is another matter, altogether. In his youth, Bernard was a confirmed lefty to say the least. In fact, the only one to the left of him was… Um… OK, no one comes to mind right now. His book, “100 People Who Are Screwing Up America”, while it includes some conservatives, still makes a point of bashing liberals. However, unlike Mr. Gallagher, Mr. Goldberg seems to have a 3-digit IQ; and there is some justification relative to the liberals mentioned in the book.

Let me clarify something right now. I am a registered Republican. This is because, at the time, I was in a hurry and the Republican check box came first. Registering as a member of a political party has also given me a role and say in local politics. I have never based my lifelong association with the Republican Party on feelings of moral superiority. It’s always been a matter of practicality. When it comes to the average voter in America, we need to watch the Republicans much closer than most of their Democratic counterparts. Extremists on the right have always scared me more than the ones on the left. We can see leftmost extremism for what it is: ideological hogwash. Rightmost extremism, however, tends to cloak itself in God, Country, and Family. It permits the Bible and Ten Commandments to trump the Constitution and Bill of Rights. It’s still ideological hogwash; but by the time we realize it, it’s too late.

Judgment-based books by people of either party are all the same: paraphrased bullshit! What really upsets me is the broad brush stokes used to condemn ALL liberals or ALL conservatives. Goldberg’s book, for the most part is correct in so far as those named. For that matter, Gallagher’s book makes some valid points—purely accidental, I’m sure— for the same reason. However, extremists are extremists and are not limited to just liberals or conservatives. Neither of these books acknowledges this. Both throw the baby out with the bath water. Both widen the divisions within America instead of narrowing them. And, oh yes, let’s not ignore the money to be made from the books, if any. Of course, this certainly had nothing to do with the motivation behind writing them.

I consider myself average. Most of you do, too. That makes us a lot of things. Conservative, liberal, libertarian, green, and any of the other “handles” out there, depending on the circumstances, comprise the tip of the iceberg. When the news media looks at the red/blue political map of the United States, it sees one or the other because it bases the color distribution on the electoral college breakdown. The facts that it also creates controversy and raises ratings by getting people to tune in aren’t all that undesirable either.

You and I, however, know that there is a lot of blue in the red. With the exception of a few elections, voters have provided slim margins relative to the red/blue breakdown. We elect politicians who are smart enough to know that they must move to the center without forgetting who they represent or what they stand for. George Bush did not win the last election by a landslide, nor did he receive a mandate. It’s just that he stood for something and stuck with it. More people bought it than didn’t. Just look at the popular vote breakdown.

Part Two – Looking Pissed Off…

We have all met people who just look angry. If you’ve ever met me, it’s a fact that you have. I have a natural scowl. It’s part of my physical makeup. I’m not mad about anything and I’m usually in a good mood. If you’ve met me and taken the time to get to know me, you know this to be a fact, also. So, you will understand why I have a special place in my heart for those similarly afflicted.

I frequent a convenience store close to my home. The employees, without exception, are very nice and accommodating people. There is one employee, however, who seems to frown all of the time. She’s sort of an equal opportunity frowner. It’s nothing personal. She does not have the weight of world’s problems on her shoulders. She is not in a dysfunctional relationship, family-wise. She just has a natural frown or scowl; something that developed over many years.

As in my case, when people take the time to engage her in some chitchat type of conversation, they find out that she’s an interesting person with as many hopes and dreams and desires as any one else.

The young woman—about 18 or 19 years old, I’m guessing—who felt compelled to yell at her for everyone to hear, “Why do you look like you’re always pissed off at the whole world?”, needs to start thinking before opening her big mouth. She embarrassed her more than anyone could know, and undeservedly so. I commend the older employee for her composure and the ability to go on working without making a big deal out of it.

I have lost count of the number of times that people have told me, well intentioned as they may have been, “Smile, it can’t be all that bad.” Again, people who know me know that I rarely kill without provocation. Unsolicited editorials concerning the expression on my face, in light of the fact that the editorial producer is clueless, insensitive, and an all-around bore, is sufficient provocation.

Tune in next week, same time and channel.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: TheTrueFacts@comcast.net

Is that fly shit or pepper?

A Whole Lot of Flickin’s Goin’ On!
by Joseph Walther


I received an email this past week from a youngster by the name of Darlene Reba. Darlene is a 15-year old attending high school in Cholas Heights, a northern suburb of San Diego, California. She quoted a phrase I used in a previous column dealing with politicians and the way they do things. She thought that the phrase, “flicking fly shit out of pepper”, was funny but she wasn’t sure what it meant. I am not going to quote her entire email but I am going to explain what I meant, as well as answer a couple of other questions she asked.

I’ll get to the phrase in just a couple of minutes. First, though, I want you readers to understand that Darlene’s email simultaneously made my day and scared the daylights out of me. It made my day because she mentioned the fact that her grandmother told her to email me. This, in addition to telling me her grandmother’s maiden name, brought flashbacks—the good kind—of a time long ago. It scared the daylights out of me because it made me realize that a 15-year old, and maybe others, is reading my stuff. I guess I’d better watch my language and the spirit in which I say things.

I have been using the phrase, “flicking fly shit out of pepper” for over forty years. I have no idea who authored it, but I doubt that I did. While it can mean, “making a mountain out of a molehill”, I enjoy using it to refer to people who are slaves to placing too much emphasis on useless detail. Such people are all round us. I call them nitpickers. Well, that’s what I’ll call them now that I know 15-year olds read my stuff. I used to call them other things; but I won’t go into that. The bottom line is the fact that you know the kind I mean, the ones who live only for process as opposed to substance. Legal and political obfuscators, along with their brain-dead bureaucratic compatriots have this down to a fine art and science. It’s a way of diverting attention away from stupidity personified and onto some ridiculous justification for the stupidity.

Bill Clinton did it when he said. “It depends on what your definition of ‘is’ is.” At the time, I had no idea what the word “is” had to do with whether or not oral sex constituted a form of sexual intercourse. Thanks to ole Bill, I learned the importance of hashing this out before the fact instead of afterwards. George Bush, Ronald Regan, Dan Quayle, Lyndon Johnson, and many other public figures have all flicked fly shit out of pepper.

The legal profession is notorious for doing this. When I was growing up, lawyers were a respected lot. Oh, there were a few ambulance chasing bottom-feeders. But, these constituted a minority of the profession. It seems that the reverse is true now. Thirty and forty years ago, lawyers, judges, and juries paid as much attention to the spirit of the law as they did to the letter of the law. In other words, people not only had to comply with the expressed terms of the law, they also had to be in harmony with the reasoning behind the applicable law.

Today, all that counts is the letter of the law. When people retain lawyers nowadays, they have to ensure that they find one who is better at flicking fly shit out of pepper then their opponent’s lawyer is. In fact, most law schools do not attempt to differentiate between the letter and spirit of the law. The results are obvious. The more adept lawyers are at flicking fly shit out of pepper, the more cases they win. The more cases they win, the higher the fees they can charge. Who wants a loser as a legal representative?

Who wins? The lawyers do. I just received a coupon for 50% off on my next weekday car rental from Enterprise, Inc. This windfall, about $20, is the result of a class action lawsuit. I won $20 for reasons I was not aware of in the first place and had no idea I was part of the suit. Oh, goodie! I only wish I had received notice before my bank had closed for the weekend. I don’t know how you feel; but I think this is unconscionably inconsiderate of them. Now I have to wait two days before I can get those twenty dollars into my bank account to start accumulating the .000000123% periodic compounding interest I am so used to receiving. Oh, before I forget, the lawyers have received $7,000,000 to date and seem upset with that. Flicking fly shit out of pepper pays!

Who loses? We all do; not to mention the toll such nonsense takes on our justice system. Flicking fly shit out of pepper intensifies our propensity to be legalistic. It replaces fairness and common sense with incessant nitpicking. Our justice system can’t be all things to all people. Flicking fly shit out of pepper forces our system to do the impossible. As hard as it tries to be all things to all people, the more miserably it fails and ends up nothing to most people; looking all the more foolish to boot.

Nine years ago, a 14-year old girl dyed her hair PINK and GREEN. Her parents wanted to… well; let’s just say that the lawyers would still be flicking fly shit out of pepper over what they wanted to do. The young woman went to school with her hair dyed. Teachers combed the dress code trying to find a way to discipline her. The assistant principal kept his wits about him, though. He called her in and congratulated her on the “new look”. He raved about how young it made her look and that “practically no one” would ever believe that she was soon to turn 15. Two days later, she dyed it back to its original color! There was no need for the ACLU to sue on behalf of her “civil” liberties. Everyone lived happily ever after. END OF STORY.

Contrast this with the story headlines across the nation 5-years earlier, about a 13-year old girl who came to school wearing condom earrings. She took two condoms, still wrapped inside the aluminum foil wrap, punctured holes in one of the corners of each condom pack, and hooked them to a pair of clip-on earrings. The fly shit flickers came out of the woodwork and went out of their minds with Dr. Laura Schlesinger leading the pack. Hell, the best Laura could do was posting her nude pictures on the Internet. And they were not very good ones, either!

Back to the Condom Kid… The principal suspended her for violating the “good taste” clause of the school’s dress code. Curiously, I would still like to know how he knew what condoms tasted like. Anyway, the school board stood in support of the principal, as did the teachers, most parents, and most of the students. Unfortunately, the girl’s parents were not happy campers and took the case to the ACLU. The ACLU took up the child’s cause, stating that nothing in the code specifically forbade what she had done. “Besides”, they reasoned, “whether a condom tastes good or bad is a matter of personal preference.”

This brought flicking fly shit out of pepper to a completely new level. The best fly shit flickers in the world fought tooth and nail for almost two years. After spending tens of thousands of dollars, the school board got cold feet and reversed the school principal. The kids, having won, were free to wear condoms on their ears, both boys and girls. Helen Kelleher, the founder of the ACLU, would have turned over in her grave. She couldn’t stand people who flicked fly shit out of pepper. I have lost count of the times she said, “The only thing dumber than flicking fly shit out of pepper is spending tens of thousands of dollars to do so.” Oh, and as a matter of interest, no other student attempted to wear condom earrings after this incident.

We blame a lot of our fly shit flicking on our “Founding Fathers” and the intent behind their actions. The First Amendment to the Constitution, for example, prohibits the establishment of an official state sponsored religion. Thomas Jefferson told me many years ago, that the Brits gave boring sermons and that we were not going to have that crap in the United States. “The Archbishop of Cantaloupe or wherever”, he kept telling me, “constantly pronounced the word marriage as ‘Malwage’. What a complete dweeb”, ole Tom used say.

Be this as it may, the first Amendment does not prohibit the Christians from putting a Nativity display in the Post Office. Similarly, it does not prohibit all of the other religions from displaying religious symbols. However, with all of that stuff all over the Post Office, how’s a customer supposed to get to the stamp counter to buy stamps? So, in the interest of sales, it’s best to keep such religious displays the hell out of the Post Office.

Neither does the Constitution prohibit public school children from beginning the day with a prayer. But, gee whiz, Batman, by the time we get through the Muslims, Jews, Catholics, and unlimited Protestant Sects,—I mean, the number of different Baptist denominations, alone, could take a month or more— there is no time for teaching anything. So, no organized praying. If children OR teachers want to say a prayer, they should do it before arriving at school. I know, as a matter of certainty, that the TEACHERS have been doing this for years!

What about the Atheists, you ask? Well, the sensible ones… the ones who are confident in their convictions, have no problems with people saying prayers. They simply keep their mouths shut and ignore the noise. Unfortunately, there are Atheists who are not very strong in their convictions. These people go catatonic and call the ACLU at the first sound of the word GOD. We need to supply them with a large supply of Valium. They’ll still hear the prayers; but they won’t care. By the way, these kinds of Atheists are wussies. They are just as bad as their equally unconfident religious counterparts. Also, both groups are among the most adept flickers of fly shit that the world has ever known.

That’s it, Darlene. I hope you have a better understanding of my meaning. Remember, there’s a whole lot of fly shit flicking goin’ on, kiddo, over just about everything you can imagine. Your generation is young and the only hope we have for bringing some sanity back to the human race. My group has already blown it! [FLICK] [FLICK] [FLICK]

Well, that’s all, folks. I’ll talk to all of you next Sunday.

PS.
Darlene, ask Bullets, I was the only who got away with calling your grandmother Bullets, if she can still do that trick with the quarter. Don’t push her for details! Tell her I have thought about her often over the years and I’d love to hear from her.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: TheTrueFacts@comcast.net

There's a lot of stoopidity going around!

Stuff That Needs Attention
By Joseph Walther


[Sigh…] I don’t know what to do. The number of Looney Toons in our world seems to increase exponentially with each passing week. The supply is simply inexhaustible. I feel so…you know…impotent whenever I try to penetrate it. If I were describing my sex life, it would be like playing pool with a piece of rope. From the unimaginably horrible to the hilariously stupid, a lot happened this past week.

Within the realm of the horrific, our FBI confirmed that they had found the remains of little 9-year-old Dylan Groene of Idaho. The City of London took a devastating hit as the Islamic Fundamentalist fanatics continued their “blow up the infidels” hissy fit against western civilization. Then Mother Nature began her annual “humbling of the earthlings” campaign with an opening volley of hurricane strikes and a warning of more to come.

We can’t do a thing about Mother Nature. Once she gets her panties in a wad, it’s best to get out of her way until she calms down. We have to watch, helpless, as her outbursts unfold. All we can do is send condolences, prayers, human labor, technology, and money. Time will take care of the healing process.

We can do something about the kidnapping, molestation, raping, and murder of our children, though. First, we need to understand that sex offender registries are politically impressive but effectively useless. The gullible among us think the politicians are doing something about it. The rest of us know better. Second, we need to quit wasting time blaming careless parents. There’s nothing we can do about this, either. Some people are parents but shouldn’t be. That’s the way it is. Get used to it. Third, we need to stop worrying about the civil liberties of convicted pedophiles. Once convicted, physical castration performed on these predatory monsters will work. In order to guarantee the elimination of recidivism, I cannot overstate the necessity for the proper castration procedure. Always castrate the head on their shoulders instead of the one they think with! (Yes, I ended the last sentence with a preposition. Andy Rooney, eat your heart out!)

Relative to the terror attacks in London, what really bothered me was the attempted association of the terror attack with Tony Blair’s relationship with George Bush. In other words, Tony and Georgie teamed up against them in Iraq, therefore it follows that they attacked London in retaliation. I think we should call this exactly what it is: bullshit. No, let’s make that BULLSHIT!

This ploy is a favorite among the clueless. “A” followed “B”, therefore “A” caused “B”. In other words, a sequence of events equals the cause of the outcome. There certainly was a sequence; but there isn’t a shred of evidence that it had anything to do with cause, at least in this case. Here is why.

Fanatical fundamentalists, especially those of the religious flavor, have been stabbing, shooting, blowing up, burning alive, and just all around destroying men, women, children, buildings, and the occasional stray dog for centuries. Usually, after a busy day of doing this, each side gathers up what it can find of the dead and wounded and limps back to headquarters. Once there, they pray and thank their respective God for the honor of killing people in His name, thanking Him for His being on their side and His assuring them of the ultimate victory. They will repeat this process, ad infinitum, citing the same justification. There will always be justification, even if they have to make it up as they go.

Humans were into terrorism long before we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq. Please recall that 9/11 happened before the invasion of Iraq. I remember such attacks taking place in New York, New Jersey, and Washington, D. C. as far back as 1973. The only things that have changed are the levels of sophistication, ease of access, and the stated motivation for the attacks.

The two women from London who sent me the tirades about “that awful George Bush” and us “baby-killing Americans” who stupidly voted for him, need to get a life. I, while not much of a Bush fan, voted for him because John Kerry still hadn’t figured out what he stood for right up through Election Day. And even though I think that George Bush reminds me of something that just fell off Edgar Bergin’s lap, he is neither immoral nor the devil incarnate, nor the cause of terrorism. God, I hate it; but when he addresses the Nation, that stupid looking facial expression and arrogant grin of his remind me of Mortimer Snerd. Howdy Doody is a close second; but I’ve ruled him out because he always spoke in complete sentences. George is still learning how to do this.

Be careful. The two of you run the risk of showing how easy it is for the clueless to be so cock-sure of something when they don’t have the slightest idea of what they are talking about.

If you’re still reading, I appreciate you sticking with me because there are just a few other minor items for me to address. One concerns American Internet surfing statistics, which Bill Stroukit of Nebraska fame brought to my attention. Another item that will probably change your lives is the publication of Rick Santorum’s, new book. The last item is the sexual advice I have been getting through my email.

Bill Stroukit is incensed over the fact that many Americans are Internet Surfing. "I know why so many of our citizens are brain dead", he declared. “More Americans than any other nation in the world surf the Internet daily”, he told me in an email. He also said, “This is why the gooks seem so much smarter than we are when it comes to school, especially math”, he continued. He further stated, “47% of Americans are surfing the Internet but only 15% of the Chinese do it.”

Bill, let me explain something important right off the bat. Never refer to the Chinese as Gooks. They hate it! They will get right up in your face and tell you that the Chinese are Chinks. Koreans are Gooks. I’m just trying to help here. I’m sure you don’t want people to think you’re a moron or anything like that. Additionally, I think that your alarm about Americans and the Internet is unfounded.

The populations for the United States and China, estimated as of July 2005 by the World Fact Book, are 295,734,134 and 1,306,313,812 respectively. This means that 138,995,043 Americans are surfing the Internet daily and 195,947,072 Chinese are doing so. You’re correct about the Chinese seeming smarter than us, Bill. However, I think that this is because they seem to know, without a calculator, that 195,947,072 is a larger number than 138,995,043. This is just a guess on my part, though.

Now I must turn my attention and gratitude to all of those wonderful people who have been sending me ideas for improving my sex life and the size of my penis. It is impossible for me to express my feelings. You really like me! I mean, YOU REALLY LIKE ME! I am on the verge of tears.

Toby Webber offered, at least 30-times, over the past 6-months to help me get my sex life back to the way it used to be. Toby, as moved as I am with your concerns for me, I must tell you that, NO, I would not like my sex life to be the way it used to be. Damn it, it used to be horrible. Now that I have taken matters into my own hands—I’m ambidextrous—it has been great! I really do appreciate your concern, though.

Ted Hogan, Blaine Hampton, Norbert Corely, Tameka Elliot, Gus Bowers, and William Dunkin have all made themselves sick with worry over the length and girth of my penis. They have been in daily contact with me, offering their advice. Their concern and utter unselfishness have me emotionally drained. Frankly, though, I think that I need to have a talk with my wife about this. She should have discussed her displeasure with me privately instead of blabbing it all over the internet. I mean, truthfully, I didn’t even know I had a problem. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Even a 747 is going to seem small in the Grand Canyon. Besides, I could have sworn that I’ve heard her gasping, on more than one occasion, “YES! OH GOD, YOU’RE HUGE.” Oh, wait! That was Debbie, not my wife. Oh well, we’ll work it out somehow. But thanks anyway, all of you wonderful people.

Last, but certainly not least, Jay Rutledge, Faye Espinosa, and Bennett Holcomb have my undying gratitude. They just came right out and asked, “Has your cum ever dribbled out and you wish it had shot out?” This kind of sincerity is virtually unheard of today.

Jay, Faye, and Bennett, thank you for your concern. However, this is one area where I have never had any problems. Even now, at sixty-three years of age, when the circumstances are right, I can actually crack the plaster in the ceiling above my bed. My dresser is way on the other side of the room from my bed. Just two nights ago, I hit the top drawer from the center of my bed! Yup, I still have it in this respect, folks.

Finally, I am going to have to beg off on the Santorum book. I’ll get to it in another essay. Let me just say this quickly. I was in Borders Book Store last Friday and picked up a copy of it. The title is “It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good." I was going to buy two other books anyway and his caught my eye.

To make a long story short, the checkout line was long and there were only two people on the registers: a lowly clerk and the store manager. Neither made a move to get more help to the front of the store. So, when I arrived at the register, the one with the store manager, I told him that I no longer needed to buy the Santorum book because I had read it while WAITING IN LINE!

I have not been able to think of a word in the English language that can adequately describe Santorum’s book. Wait—BARF—that’s a good one. I forgot all about that word!

See you all next week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net

Can you see me if I close and cover my eyes?

Covering Our Eyes Does Not Eliminate Evil
By Joseph Walther


This past Thursday, I participated in a discussion concerning the recently uncovered use of torture employed by U. S. Forces at Abu Ghraib, as well as the alleged torture going on at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba. One of the participants, an outspoken Born-Again Christian, expressed his belief that we should permit our military to do its job without interference by the spying eyes of the press. Considering the source of such a statement, I was light-years from shocked. He peppers the Internet with Christian tirades. They involve everything from the outright condemnation of all other religions to blaming those “filthy” liberals for all of the world’s evils. According to his warped perception of reality, there is some kind of a conspiracy among the “queers”, abortionists, and abortion doctors.

The others, myself excluded, expressed their feelings that torturing prisoners, regardless of side, is wrong and civilized people do not tolerate it. As for my position, it is simply foreign to my nature to permit people like this to get away with being so damn self-righteously phony.

I have no problems with opinions. Name anything that comes to mind and I have an opinion about it; and I’m not bashful about expressing it, either. For example, at my age, sixty-three, I think that the current method of checking the prostate is disgraceful and we should be diverting all available resources to finding a better way. I also think that there are far too many tree-hugging, tofu-farting do-gooders in this country. I want to force them, at gunpoint if necessary, to get a life. While I’m at it, let’s electrocute anyone who uses the words fair and taxes in the same sentence. Oh, and lest I forget, God spoke to me last night and told me to slay all who advocate organized religions with doctrines of exclusivity.

I know that I will get email from the clueless about my statements above. So, for the record, with the exception of the prostate and taxes stuff, I’m just kidding. Torturing human beings, however, is serious stuff and I am going to take a few paragraphs to address it from my perspective.

War is a nasty business. When a country’s way of life is at stake, as was ours during WWII, there is no such thing as fair. Countries do whatever it takes to win the war and win it as quickly as possible. After the First World War, the nations of the world condemned the use of chemical and biological weapons as inhumane. If anyone reading this is gullible enough to think that the inhumanity of it had anything to do with the condemnation shouldn’t walk the streets unsupervised.

The users of chemical weapons, including us God-favored Americans, found out that they were a problem. A slight wind shift would blow the chemicals back into their own faces. The nature of the localization of biological weapons proved to be too little bang for the buck. So the nations of the world pounced upon a way of eliminating a couple of inefficient killing methods and simultaneously get some great public relations. Notice, however, that those nations still have large stores of both types of weapons; just in case anyone feels compelled to kill off just a city or two or some other group who gets on our nerves.

Torture is a fact. It takes place on all sides. I served two combat tours during Viet Nam. The Viet Cong never took wounded prisoners. They also tortured, and then killed many of their healthy field prisoners. They did it on a regular basis and as a matter of policy. They were indiscriminant, too. They tortured and killed their southern brothers and sisters for the sheer fun of it. This is why counterinsurgency did not work. The Americans would spend weeks in a village helping the locals defend themselves and trying to make friends. As soon as a Special Forces counterinsurgency team left the village, the Viet Cong would swoop in. They would keep the old people alive. They would then rape the wives and young women in front of husbands and young men. Finally, they would kill the husbands and young men and burn the village.

I distinctly remember finding the remains of some American soldiers. There were seven in total and I knew four of the seven. Charlie had cut off some of their fingers, one at a time and very slowly. They used a razor to slice open, lengthwise, the arms and legs of two others. They had tied another prisoner to a tree, cut off his penis, shoved it into his mouth, tied a sweaty headband over his mouth, and then let him bleed to death. When the fun of the thing had worn off, they severed the remaining prisoners’ jugulars—an incision the width of the jugular itself—and let them bleed out. I estimated that it took between six and eight-minutes for death to end their living hell. This sort of ugliness raises a soldier’s blood pressure and resentment factor to say the least. Getting even with the scum becomes, at least temporarily, the prime directive.

Yes, Americans tortured; but they did it out of uncontrollable emotion in retaliation for the atrocities they witnessed on a daily routine. The difference, however, was the fact that it was not a matter of official policy. Torture was not something our government permitted our soldiers to use as a means to break up the boredom or to satiate a sadistic lust. Our government punished any American soldier it caught using torture. I have never condoned the actions of Lt. William Calley at My Lai. What he did to innocent women and children was an atrocity. However, after having four of his soldiers blown to bits that morning by bomb-strapped children, his logic took a trip to hell. His actions were wrong; but I have always understood his motivation.

I want the bible-thumping hypocrite I mentioned in the first paragraph of this column to listen to me and listen well. A “love thy neighbor but torture’s ok as long as no one is watching and it’s not reported on the nightly news” theology stinks and has nothing to do with the message of Jesus Christ. It makes you look as though you have converted from Christianity to the little known but rapidly growing Ostrich religion where “I see NOTHINK” is dogma and Sgt. Schultz is the patron saint.

I was born into a Catholic family. They sent me to the Catholic schools where I memorized the Baltimore Catechism and became a monument to guilt. I noticed early on in my Catholic education that telling the nuns that I wanted to be a priest elevated my grades by one or two letters with absolutely no effort on my part. Finally, I was “SOMBODY!” Besides, I never saw a priest who did not have a new car. I did not consider it much of a sacrifice to live a life of celibacy and chastity for these kinds of benefits. Besides, I didn’t even know what celibacy and chastity meant.

Then, along came that harlot, Debbie Ross, who REALLY liked me. I mean she REALLY LIKED me, if you get my drift. She taught me, for the first time, that urination was not the only function of the penis. She showed me that Padre Pedophile was no match for her and that those nuns had grossly overrated celibacy and chastity. From that point on, I saw no reason to hang around the sacristy.

I understand the reality of torture, sir. I have seen it exercised in fine detail by experts on both sides of a war. I hate it but I understand it. But, for someone who talks of Jesus Christ as though he was a personal friend, you need to understand that torture is not nice and it is contrary to the teachings of Jesus Christ whether we hear it and see it or not!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net