There's a lot of stoopidity going around!

Stuff That Needs Attention
By Joseph Walther


[Sigh…] I don’t know what to do. The number of Looney Toons in our world seems to increase exponentially with each passing week. The supply is simply inexhaustible. I feel so…you know…impotent whenever I try to penetrate it. If I were describing my sex life, it would be like playing pool with a piece of rope. From the unimaginably horrible to the hilariously stupid, a lot happened this past week.

Within the realm of the horrific, our FBI confirmed that they had found the remains of little 9-year-old Dylan Groene of Idaho. The City of London took a devastating hit as the Islamic Fundamentalist fanatics continued their “blow up the infidels” hissy fit against western civilization. Then Mother Nature began her annual “humbling of the earthlings” campaign with an opening volley of hurricane strikes and a warning of more to come.

We can’t do a thing about Mother Nature. Once she gets her panties in a wad, it’s best to get out of her way until she calms down. We have to watch, helpless, as her outbursts unfold. All we can do is send condolences, prayers, human labor, technology, and money. Time will take care of the healing process.

We can do something about the kidnapping, molestation, raping, and murder of our children, though. First, we need to understand that sex offender registries are politically impressive but effectively useless. The gullible among us think the politicians are doing something about it. The rest of us know better. Second, we need to quit wasting time blaming careless parents. There’s nothing we can do about this, either. Some people are parents but shouldn’t be. That’s the way it is. Get used to it. Third, we need to stop worrying about the civil liberties of convicted pedophiles. Once convicted, physical castration performed on these predatory monsters will work. In order to guarantee the elimination of recidivism, I cannot overstate the necessity for the proper castration procedure. Always castrate the head on their shoulders instead of the one they think with! (Yes, I ended the last sentence with a preposition. Andy Rooney, eat your heart out!)

Relative to the terror attacks in London, what really bothered me was the attempted association of the terror attack with Tony Blair’s relationship with George Bush. In other words, Tony and Georgie teamed up against them in Iraq, therefore it follows that they attacked London in retaliation. I think we should call this exactly what it is: bullshit. No, let’s make that BULLSHIT!

This ploy is a favorite among the clueless. “A” followed “B”, therefore “A” caused “B”. In other words, a sequence of events equals the cause of the outcome. There certainly was a sequence; but there isn’t a shred of evidence that it had anything to do with cause, at least in this case. Here is why.

Fanatical fundamentalists, especially those of the religious flavor, have been stabbing, shooting, blowing up, burning alive, and just all around destroying men, women, children, buildings, and the occasional stray dog for centuries. Usually, after a busy day of doing this, each side gathers up what it can find of the dead and wounded and limps back to headquarters. Once there, they pray and thank their respective God for the honor of killing people in His name, thanking Him for His being on their side and His assuring them of the ultimate victory. They will repeat this process, ad infinitum, citing the same justification. There will always be justification, even if they have to make it up as they go.

Humans were into terrorism long before we invaded Afghanistan and Iraq. Please recall that 9/11 happened before the invasion of Iraq. I remember such attacks taking place in New York, New Jersey, and Washington, D. C. as far back as 1973. The only things that have changed are the levels of sophistication, ease of access, and the stated motivation for the attacks.

The two women from London who sent me the tirades about “that awful George Bush” and us “baby-killing Americans” who stupidly voted for him, need to get a life. I, while not much of a Bush fan, voted for him because John Kerry still hadn’t figured out what he stood for right up through Election Day. And even though I think that George Bush reminds me of something that just fell off Edgar Bergin’s lap, he is neither immoral nor the devil incarnate, nor the cause of terrorism. God, I hate it; but when he addresses the Nation, that stupid looking facial expression and arrogant grin of his remind me of Mortimer Snerd. Howdy Doody is a close second; but I’ve ruled him out because he always spoke in complete sentences. George is still learning how to do this.

Be careful. The two of you run the risk of showing how easy it is for the clueless to be so cock-sure of something when they don’t have the slightest idea of what they are talking about.

If you’re still reading, I appreciate you sticking with me because there are just a few other minor items for me to address. One concerns American Internet surfing statistics, which Bill Stroukit of Nebraska fame brought to my attention. Another item that will probably change your lives is the publication of Rick Santorum’s, new book. The last item is the sexual advice I have been getting through my email.

Bill Stroukit is incensed over the fact that many Americans are Internet Surfing. "I know why so many of our citizens are brain dead", he declared. “More Americans than any other nation in the world surf the Internet daily”, he told me in an email. He also said, “This is why the gooks seem so much smarter than we are when it comes to school, especially math”, he continued. He further stated, “47% of Americans are surfing the Internet but only 15% of the Chinese do it.”

Bill, let me explain something important right off the bat. Never refer to the Chinese as Gooks. They hate it! They will get right up in your face and tell you that the Chinese are Chinks. Koreans are Gooks. I’m just trying to help here. I’m sure you don’t want people to think you’re a moron or anything like that. Additionally, I think that your alarm about Americans and the Internet is unfounded.

The populations for the United States and China, estimated as of July 2005 by the World Fact Book, are 295,734,134 and 1,306,313,812 respectively. This means that 138,995,043 Americans are surfing the Internet daily and 195,947,072 Chinese are doing so. You’re correct about the Chinese seeming smarter than us, Bill. However, I think that this is because they seem to know, without a calculator, that 195,947,072 is a larger number than 138,995,043. This is just a guess on my part, though.

Now I must turn my attention and gratitude to all of those wonderful people who have been sending me ideas for improving my sex life and the size of my penis. It is impossible for me to express my feelings. You really like me! I mean, YOU REALLY LIKE ME! I am on the verge of tears.

Toby Webber offered, at least 30-times, over the past 6-months to help me get my sex life back to the way it used to be. Toby, as moved as I am with your concerns for me, I must tell you that, NO, I would not like my sex life to be the way it used to be. Damn it, it used to be horrible. Now that I have taken matters into my own hands—I’m ambidextrous—it has been great! I really do appreciate your concern, though.

Ted Hogan, Blaine Hampton, Norbert Corely, Tameka Elliot, Gus Bowers, and William Dunkin have all made themselves sick with worry over the length and girth of my penis. They have been in daily contact with me, offering their advice. Their concern and utter unselfishness have me emotionally drained. Frankly, though, I think that I need to have a talk with my wife about this. She should have discussed her displeasure with me privately instead of blabbing it all over the internet. I mean, truthfully, I didn’t even know I had a problem. I guess it’s all a matter of perspective. Even a 747 is going to seem small in the Grand Canyon. Besides, I could have sworn that I’ve heard her gasping, on more than one occasion, “YES! OH GOD, YOU’RE HUGE.” Oh, wait! That was Debbie, not my wife. Oh well, we’ll work it out somehow. But thanks anyway, all of you wonderful people.

Last, but certainly not least, Jay Rutledge, Faye Espinosa, and Bennett Holcomb have my undying gratitude. They just came right out and asked, “Has your cum ever dribbled out and you wish it had shot out?” This kind of sincerity is virtually unheard of today.

Jay, Faye, and Bennett, thank you for your concern. However, this is one area where I have never had any problems. Even now, at sixty-three years of age, when the circumstances are right, I can actually crack the plaster in the ceiling above my bed. My dresser is way on the other side of the room from my bed. Just two nights ago, I hit the top drawer from the center of my bed! Yup, I still have it in this respect, folks.

Finally, I am going to have to beg off on the Santorum book. I’ll get to it in another essay. Let me just say this quickly. I was in Borders Book Store last Friday and picked up a copy of it. The title is “It Takes a Family: Conservatism and the Common Good." I was going to buy two other books anyway and his caught my eye.

To make a long story short, the checkout line was long and there were only two people on the registers: a lowly clerk and the store manager. Neither made a move to get more help to the front of the store. So, when I arrived at the register, the one with the store manager, I told him that I no longer needed to buy the Santorum book because I had read it while WAITING IN LINE!

I have not been able to think of a word in the English language that can adequately describe Santorum’s book. Wait—BARF—that’s a good one. I forgot all about that word!

See you all next week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net