Gee, I'm an asshole!

Yes! I’m An Asshole. But, I’m A Competent One
by Joseph Walther

There I was, stopped at a red light behind another vehicle. I was waiting patiently for the driver in the lead car to go ahead and make his LEGAL right turn on the red. I kept on waiting…, waiting…, and waiting. I didn’t want to blow my horn because, even though he seemed clueless, he probably would have just given me the finger, not turn, and I’d have still been stuck behind him. So, in the interest of efficiency, I pulled around him and made my LEGAL right turn on the red light.

At this point, he gunned his engine and sped out after me! I knew he had something on his mind, so I lowered my window and slowed down. “NO TURN ON RED, ASSHOLE”, he bellowed and raced away talking to himself. I thought to myself, “Wow, this guy is not only stupid but vividly upset.” A sense of, well… pride, yes, PRIDE, welled up inside of me to think that I could have this kind of effect on someone. Dare I even think that my actions ruined his entire afternoon?

This got me to thinking about the term, asshole. We all know, with the possible exception of Delaware’s GOP Chairman, that “asshole” is a euphemistic reference to the opening of our anal canals. For the sake of Delaware’s General Assembly members, the anal canal opening is that darkish little pucker spot located between the cheeks of one’s butt. In other words, the same place you all put your lips when sucking up to all of the special interests groups down there in Dover.

Given all of the crap—no pun intended—that goes on in that region, it’s no wonder that the term “asshole” is also used as a euphemistic reference to people whom we classify as “disagreeable”. Regardless, whenever we use it to describe another human being, we always infer negativity. And, since each of us is an asshole to someone, the term is always relative. In other words, one person’s asshole is another person’s hero. I don’t know about you readers, but I consider the term asshole to be a title of honor. It takes effort and continued dedication to be a competent asshole.

Incompetent assholes don’t know that they are assholes. Competent assholes KNOW that they are assholes. For example, in the incident above at the traffic light, I KNEW I was the COMPETENT asshole. The other driver was the incompetent one. He had no clue, though. It had nothing to do with the fact that he didn’t know the difference between a “No turn on red ARROW” sign and a “No turn on red LIGHT” sign. Um, in case you don’t know, the former has a RED ARROW pointing to the right and the latter has a SOLID RED CIRCLE. Since anyone having read a driver’s manual knows the difference, that driver is stupid. What makes him an incompetent asshole is the way he reacted.

Competent, self-assured assholes are NEVER stupid. Incompetent assholes are ALWAYS stupid. For example, a person does not become a college president by being stupid. However, if that president, during every speech to the college community refers to himself as “your president”, calling him an asshole is understandable, especially when the references are numerous. Stupid? No. Asshole? Yes. A bad person? No. Asshole? Yes. Competent? Yes. Competent asshole? Definitely!

Competent assholes are secure in their personalities. Their confidence is unwavering. Each day, such people know, almost instinctively, that circumstances will provide them with opportunity after opportunity to demonstrate their competencies in the art of being assholes. Not a single day goes by that I, along with all of the other competent assholes, fail to be grateful to nature or, if you prefer, God, for the wonderful opportunities to show “our stuff”.

Remember, as I said earlier, all of us are assholes to someone. So, it isn’t a question of whether or not you are one, too. The fact is that you are. The question is whether you are a competent asshole or an incompetent asshole. A competent asshole is one who is capable eliciting highly emotional responses, complete with obscene gestures and popping cranial blood vessels. An incompetent asshole is always the reactionary to whatever a competent asshole has done or said.

The next time you are driving down I-95 and accidentally cut someone off, keep your cool. As the other driver goes by ranting and raving while giving you the finger, just smile and keep on truckin’. Be proud of yourself. Little ole’ you just put the other driver on the verge of a stroke or heart attack. At the very least, you have ruined his day and took maybe two or three days off his life.

If you are in line at a local convenience store, take your time finding that penny or writing that check for your gum. Don’t worry about the dweebs behind you in line. Let them stew, maybe even pass out from high blood pressure. Just smile at them and keep on digging in that purse or pant’s pocket. When you walk away from the checkout station, be proud of yourself. Look at all that stress you just created!

I want you to write this 1,000 times. “Competent assholes are proactive. Incompetent assholes are reactive.” Got it? If others are going to call us assholes no matter what, then we owe it to ourselves to be the best we can be.

Now get out there and drum up some stress!

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net