So, which way do YOU go?

They’re Both Stupid, But…
By Joseph Walther

This week’s topic is one of the most divisive that humanity has had to face since its inception, creation, evolvement, or accidental happenstance, depending on what or whom you wish to blame or credit. Yes, it is far worse than the gay/straight issue. It makes the pro-choice/pro-life divide seem like child’s play. Allowing God into the public schools is not even in the same league as this topic. When we compare the gauge readings on the “Damage Caused by Scale”, between the global religious debates over which is the “true” religion and the damage caused by this week’s topic, the former seems like a friendly game of chutes and ladders. This topic has caused the destruction of entire families. It has reduced lifelong friends to bitter, eternal enemies. Children have stopped speaking to parents and parents have disowned children over this. Yes, you have probably guessed by now that I am talking about… Oh God, here it goes… dog ownership versus cat ownership!

Let me state at the outset and for the record that I will do my level best to remain neutral on this issue by trying to be considerate of everyone’s feelings, regardless of which side taken. Oh, there is one exception, though. If you are a Chihuahua owner, please stop reading RIGHT NOW. Ok, are they gone? Let me tell you that I do not consider a Chihuahua to be a dog at all. These are just large, shivering rodents with nasty dispositions.

Oh, crap! I thought I told you Chihuahua owners to stop reading this. You just couldn’t listen, could you? I don’t even know why I even bother with these considerate warnings. I might just as well blurt this stuff out and be done with it for all the good my cautionary warnings do! Now I’m going to get all kinds of hate mail. Well, tough titi…breasts. I’m telling you that I would rather be seen leaving an adult bookstore with a hooker and a bottle of scotch than be seen with a Chihuahua! You just try getting a Chihuahua to drink scotch AND they don’t like adult bookstores.

Otherwise, my general feelings about dogs are that they are relatively stupid and they drool a lot. Of course, I think cats are stupid, too, but on a higher level and about more important issues. On the other hand, cats do not drool. At least I have never seen one drool. Hey! Wait just a dag gum minute!

Yes, I bet we are thinking the same thing. Be honest, now. You’re saying to yourselves, “Joe, you have just described about 50% of the United States Congress.” Although, I really don’t think that fifty percent is correct. I’d bet a sizeable amount that it’s closer to 85%. And being a current resident of Delaware, I would have to include the entire General Assembly, the Governor, all of the local school boards, many elementary, secondary, and post-secondary academic administrators, political commentators, most lawyers, and ALL of the left and right wing radio talk show hosts.

Actually, this kind of comparison is not fair; we should not compare the dogs and cats of the world to such human elements. It makes the animals look bad. On top of this, we do ourselves more harm than good when we aim this kind of unwarranted flattery at our officials, elected or otherwise. It sends the wrong message to these people. For God’s sake, dogs can be paper-trained and cats seem instinctively drawn to the litter box.

Alternatively, though, I know that only one in ten politicians is successfully paper-trained and even fewer have been successfully potty-trained. Dick Cheney, for example, still poops in his office, has a nasty disposition, and bites people. On a more positive note, people tell me that Laura Bush is elated that George goes regularly on the paper provided, even though she still has to “aim” it for him from time-to-time. But I’ve digressed too much already. Let’s get back on track.

I think that both dogs AND cats are great pets. They both give unconditional love, affection, and undying gratitude, especially when we include food in the equation. It’s just that dogs seem to be… you know… so… “Baby Huey” clumsy and stupid” and cats are, well… “Up yours aloof and independent.”

Both are capable of running speeds at just below the speed of sound. Cats, though, seem so much more agile at any speed and under ALL conditions. Suppose a dog, barking and growling, is chasing a cat, at about 650 miles per hour. The damn cat can calmly change directions at a 90-degree angle, without any warning, with NO decrease in speed, and keep on going just as though nothing had happened. The dog, on the other hand, will require the services of at least one fire rescue squad to get its head, now embedded as far back as shoulders, out of the brick wall it just ran into. The cat sits on a neighbor’s chaise lounge, a hind leg in the air, licking its butt while shooting one of those “what a dork” stairs in the dog’s direction. The dog, at this point, is still trying to figure out what the hell just happened and wondering if it will ever again be able feel its other body parts.

A dog could knock over one single lamp and NOT be able to hide that guilty look. It might just as well have a sign draped around its neck reading “Oh, shit! I did it. God, I’m sorry”. A cat could knock over every lamp in the living room, in addition to shredding your couch. It would not EVER take ownership of what it just did. It would merely flip its tail high in the air, while giving you one of those “stick it!” glances as it calmly saunters into the dining room to do more damage. In other words, “I did it. Screw you and the horse you rode in!”

My living room has a floor-to-ceiling bay window overlooking the front yard. I watched my daughter’s cat stalk a squirrel as it casually strode along the window ledge across the entire width of the living room. With the instinctive skill of a jungle cat, she crouched and stalked, her ears flat against her head, body all but scraping along the carpet, closer and closer, careful to stay downwind of the prey. Suddenly, with the adeptness of that dog I just described, she leapt; snug in the belief that she had ensnared this helpless prey in her “declawed” front paws.

BAM! The window, in fact, the entire living room shook. I’d even go as far as to say that the neighbors living within a radius of about 2-miles also heard the ruckus. When I looked at her, she had recoiled back from the window, a little shaken, perhaps a tad dizzy, but stunned that she did NOT have the squirrel. I also suspect that she was hurting just a bit, too. But there was no way this cat was going to admit anything of the sort. She just shot me one of those, nasty, ears back, frown-like glances that sent the message; “What are you looking at dip wad? I planned that!”

A dog would have run howling down to the basement in agony. Not that cat, though. It took her about 10-seconds to recover and she just nonchalantly slinked under one of the living room chairs. I suspect, though, if I could have read her thoughts, the message would have been along the lines of, “Damn that smarts! Let me check to see if I still have my fangs. That glass… I gotta start remembering that stinking glass!”

Anyway, this is the basic difference between cats and dogs. While I freely admit that I live with a cat, I simply do not attempt to say one is better than the other. Even though I kind of sort of think I might be leaning, at least a little, toward possibly agreeing in principle with a particular side, if you must have a definitive answer immediately, I must tell you that I am decidedly and definitely more positive than “maybe”, but probably not quite as strong as “perhaps”, so you can put me down as respecting the rights of those who differ with me but as holding whichever opinion most people hold and sympathizing with those who are undecided.

AND I MEAN IT! I would also like to announce my candidacy for the office of…

Joe Walther is a freelance writer. You may contact him by clicking on CONTACT ME above or by email at Joe_Walther@comcast.net