View from da hood, the geezerhood

For God’s Sake, What’s Wrong With You People?
By Joseph Walther

I stand at the very edge of the precipice of geezer-hood looking in. I am but a simple slip-of-foot from falling in. I’m not depressed or anything like that. All of my parts still work fine. It’s just that as a man hits middle age and up (up, that’s me), he starts to become introspective about things. Actions that in earlier years he may have considered a bit silly, he now considers hopelessly stupid. Retirement has given me time to observe human nature in its natural habitat. What I have seen serves to convince me that no one is ever too old to find newer and more efficient ways to be stupid.

This week’s topic is about observation. Observing what people buy and watching them go about their daily routines is fascinating and very instructional. It is instructional because it has shown me how wrong I have been. My religion always taught me that the difference between human beings and other animals is that we humans possess souls. Well, maybe we do and maybe not, but either way a soul has nothing to do with the differences between the two species. The real difference is the fact that humans have mastered rationalization and other animals have not.

Observation of the human species is fascinating because of the ability to rationalize. The human propensity for rationalization proves beyond any doubt that dumb luck trumps careful planning. When you don’t know what you’re doing, all of the time and effort to be precise is a total waste.

I was in a grocery store this past Saturday. As I walked down the cereal isle, I was shocked to realize that purchasing a box of corn flakes now requires a second mortgage. I really don’t care what cereal costs because I don’t eat the stuff. If I did, however, I’d stop. Something else amazed me, too. There were a number of people putting boxes of this stuff into their shopping carts and complaining about the price. I am not sure if this was do to sheer economic stupidity or the fact that lots of people have more money than common sense.

As I approached the end of the isle, a small child accidentally knocked a box of Kellogg’s Pop Tarts off a shelf. I leaned over and picked it. I don’t eat these things, either, but I know about them because my kids used to toast them when they were young. I happened to notice the 3-step directions for preparing them. Step one said to remove a package from the container. Step two said to remove the paper container holding the tarts. Finally, step three said to place in a toaster and push the lever down.

My point is that the person who needs these instructions must be a real gem. I would love to meet such a person just so that I could find out how he or she managed to slip past the guards at Happy Ville.

Yesterday, I was going through Borders Book Store. A book titled “100 words every word lover should know” caught my eye. It was on sale for $4.95. I picked it up and began browsing the contents. Here is a small sample of the words. But, keep in mind that these were the easy ones.

Chiasmus, Geműtlichkeit, Glossolalia, Humuhumunukunukuapuaa, Insouciant, Internecine, Inveigle, Lagniappe, Lucubrate. Sang-foid, and of course, the ever popular Sesquipedalian are all words that we, as true word lovers, should be using more frequently.

I can’t tell you how much my pulse quickened at the sight of these words. I thought I would pass out but I was able to regain my sang-foid and carry on. On top of this, the clerk offered me a lagniappe just for looking at it.

The number of “How To” books going out of that store was astronomical. “How to communicate effectively”, “How to find Mr. Right”, “How to get the most from people”, and “How to manage people” comprised just a few of the titles. There was even a Dummies book called “Sex for Dummies”. This one struck me as a perfect gift for that idiot above who needs those directions on how to prepare Pop Tarts.

Three titles really stuck out, though. The first one was “Disciplining your 4-year old without anger” The second one was “How to tell if Mr. or Miss Right is compatible with you”. The third was a book about fifteen inches thick with the title of “How to write fiction”. I must make a comment or two about these titles.

Discipline should never include physical violence. Don’t just yell, “Stop THAT!” and smack the kid. Try this approach. “Why, yes, sweetheart, kitty cat really jumped high. But, honey, you have to promise daddy never to stick you finger in that part of the cat. Ok?” “I will, daddy.” This is a much more civil and intelligent approach and it leaves you more time go about trying to pull those claws out of your living room ceiling

Compatibility between couples is important up to a point. Beyond this point, compatibility is not as important as how couples deal with their incompatibilities. Sex, for example, seems to be a big concern but I don’t understand the reason. I mean, I have been married for 36-years and our sexual tastes are as different as night and day.

I am the adventurous type, always looking to try new things. I love sexy, see-though negligees, bikini panties, garter belts, high heels, and all that erotic stuff. My wife, on the other hand, just does not get into that. In fact, she becomes visibly upset whenever she sees me wearing those things! Ha ha, I’m just kidding. All she really does is roll her eyes and take a couple of valium. The point is that we have learned to deal with some incompatibilities and this has made it possible to stay together for all of these years. Ain’t love great?

So, you want to write fiction. My advice is to do it and stop reading about how to do it. Writing fiction is making stuff up. The secret, and please notice that I do not need 1,000 pages to tell you this, is making it believable. Let me give you an example.

The funeral mass had just ended. As the procession of the bereaved slowly filed past our respective pews following the flagged-draped coffin, Hortense’s eyes met mine as we stepped from our pews to leave the church. Animal lust consumed us and we savagely embraced, devouring each other’s tongues as our clothes fell to the floor. We fell back into her pew as my fingers quickly and adeptly unhooked her bra and exposed her heaving, perfectly shaped mounds. We let our savage desires overtake us. We began to make desperate, unquenchable love, unaware of anyone or anything but our mutual throbbing needs. Both of us were totally devoid of everyone and everything except our own searing, pounding, needs. The attraction was primal, carnal, pure animal! I was like a rabid dog humping the exhaust pipe of Volkswagen. The only words spoken came in desperate gasps, “YES!”, “God Yes”, “MORE”. “NO! NOT BACK THERE!”

Now, can you tell what’s wrong with this excerpt? It’s not believable, that’s what! There are two problems. First, no guy in his right mind is going to want to screw a Hortense. So we have to change her name to something like April or Cyndi, or Debbie. The second problem is the removal of the bra. No man in the entire history of the human race has ever been able to unhook a woman’s bra. So that has to be changed. Other than these two flaws, though, you could be well on your way to a New York Times Best Seller.

Like I said, just write the stuff and stop reading about how to write it.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net