Not 'til you're seventeen!

Let Me Drive… PLEASE!!!
By Joseph Walther

It’s a lot of fun being retired and living in Delaware. For a guy like me, who likes to make a few bucks writing about real life experiences, Delaware can’t be beat. The material available in this state is limitless. The News Journal and General Assembly provide enough daily comedic relief to keep us in stitches for days on end. On a national level, the Three Stooges—George Bush, Donald Rumsfeld, and Dick Cheney—provide daily evidence that stupidity, condescension, and arrogance do not hinder political success, depending on your definition of “political success.” There is so much material and so little time. Where do I begin?

In the interest of fairness, Delaware is a terrific place to live. Tornadoes are a rarity. Earthquakes cause a mild rumbling sensation every decade or so. Hurricanes are more frequent, but the state is so small that we seldom take a direct hit. The weather, while hot in the summer, is mild the rest of the year. Politically, the fiscal management of the state is responsible, unemployment low, and other than a few nasty hissy-fits between the parties, the political environment is pretty decent, secretive as hell, but decently secretive.

So, unless you’re the type to get all wimpy over a higher than usual exposure to cancer in some form, just come on down. The fact that we have one of the highest HIV infection rates, 45% of which come from IV drug use, should not deter anyone but the wimpiest from staking a homestead here. Oh, did I mention that our infant mortality rate is a bit elevated? No? Well don’t worry about it. We’re working on it. That’s next on the agenda, right after we make sure that no one in this state is getting a tongue split without consulting a medical doctor.

Individually, I know several state lawmakers up close and personal. They are all respectable, well-meaning, and concerned legislators who always place the interests of Delawareans right where they should be; ahead of special interest groups… um, unless the money is just too much to pass up. Yes siree! You are not going to find a Delaware politician in anyone’s back pocket. Our politicians prefer to be right there inside the briefcase, keeping their eyes on the money. Ha ha… kidding… just kidding. Everyone knows that you politicians just transfer the funds over the Internet now a days!

I reside in the City of Wilmington. I was going to move but the Mayor asked me not to because he needs the tax money. I am a proud resident of the 1st Representative District. My State Representative is Dennis Williams. At least I think he is still representing the 1st District. I haven’t actually seen him for several years and certainly, no one can accuse him of wasting a lot of paper and postage keeping his constituents informed. From what people tell me, people who claim to have actually seen him over the past couple of years, he is doing a fine job!

Representative Williams helped me get my city sidewalk repaired a couple of years ago. The city inspectors, F-Troop as we like to call them, were right on my heels and Mr. Williams came to the rescue. Come to think of it, I never thanked him! I sure hope he isn’t still mad about it. Maybe that’s why I haven’t seen too much of him. Ya Think? Well, I don’t know about the rest of the city residents, but I think a few bullets whizzing by my head is a small price to pay in return for free sidewalk repair. Looking at the other side of the shootings in Wilmington, they sure do keep people from walking all over my sidewalk. Whoa! That was a close one. I’ll dig that slug out of the wall later.

Anyway, Mr. Williams, I know you must be very busy down there in Dover, helping Representative Vansant in his quest to stamp out rampant non-doctor assisted tongue splitting and all. But, if you can manage a few minutes to pop over to Representative Wayne Smith’s office to see if he is all right, I would really appreciate it. A number of people have been worried sick about him since his sponsorship of House Bill 112. You remember it, don’t you? It’s the one proposing to increase the legal driving age to 17 from 16.

I have to tell ya, dude, if I didn’t know better; I’d swear he started to imbibe in some of that there medical marijuana. He can’t possibly expect people with IQs of two digits and higher to believe that one-year’s difference in chronological age is going to reduce teen driving accidents by any significant degree. Gee, maybe he really does! God, I sure hope not. If he does, he is a bigger menace than the teenage drivers are.

I realize that he, along with all of the co-sponsors, and a large percentage of those Delawareans who support the effort, is sincere about this. However, sincerity does not constitute immunity to stupidity. This is a stupid idea. Postponing accidents is not the same as preventing them. Instead of teenage drivers killing each other at 16 years of age, they will simply have to wait until they turn seventeen. Instead of the age group most prone to accidents being 16 to 21 years of age, it will become 17 to 22 years of age. Until the General Assembly begins to deal with root causes—underage drinking, illegal drug use, out of control testosterone, and general peer pressure stupidity—teenage drivers are going to kill one and other, boys in particular.

I define maturity as that interval between the time that I think someone is a jackass and the time that I call him or her one. Boy, am I getting mature.

Every Friday, the News Journal prints a feature called “Speaking your mind.” It is located in the Life (section E) of the newspaper. It poses a question to four young people within the region. By young, I mean anywhere from 10 to 20 years of age. The June 24th edition posed the following question. “One of the main bills in the legislation proposed by the Delaware General Assembly to reduce the number of accidents caused by teenage drivers is to raise the driving age to 17. Do you think this would be effective?”

The respondents were all female. Two of them were 15 year olds; one was 16 years old; and the last one was 17 years old. Each of the responses demonstrated attributes seldom demonstrated by the Delaware General Assembly in the aggregate: common sense and insight.

From Elyse Manto, age 15, Glenn Mills, PA: “No, not really. You still have the same driving experience. It doesn’t matter if you’re older – you could still do something stupid at age 26.” I concur, Elyse. Just look at George Bush and he’s a lot older than 26!

From Liz Guest, age 15, Boothwyn, PA: “It’s a good idea but they are going about it the wrong way. They should worry more about underage drinking and other risk behaviors involved in teenage accidents.” But Liz, knee-jerk reactions are so much easier!

From Lili Bishop, age 16, Hockessin, DE: “I guess it might help – it would be a good first step. But one year might not really make a difference.” You get it, Lili.

From Tara Patel, age 17, Greenville, DE: “I don’t see the sense in that. They’re always arguing about maturity levels, and I don’t think a year changes a person much.” This is a very elementary observation, my dear Tara, very elementary indeed.

When I was 15 years old, I thought that making someone wait until the age of 16 just to drive a car was beyond ridiculous. The closer my children came to 16, the more I tried to convince anyone who would listen to help me get it raised to around 40. I failed in my endeavor. This year, my son will be 29 and my daughter will be 26. In spite of my concerted effort to screw up their minds, they both grew into incredibly good, responsible people any father would be proud to call his children.

As parents, my wife and I agonized over their activities once they were outside of our realm of control. They were exposed to the same underage drinking, drugs, perverts, and any number of assorted dorks out to do them harm for the fun of it, just as those teenagers of today. Children grow up whether we like it or not. Sometimes they do stupid, impulsive things and whether they are 16, 17, 18, or even 20 is immaterial. Sometimes they die and/or kill someone else during these lapses. Most do not, but some do. If you believe in God, you pray a lot. If not, you hope for the best and hope that their bag of bad luck runs out before their bag of good luck.

My wife and I are happy that our children survived those teenage years, driving and all. While we both feel that some degree of parental influence played a role in their survival, we both know in our bones that some significant luck was involved. Representative Smith, Williams, Vansant, and the rest of the General Assembly, changing the minimum driving age by one year is not going to influence this by any degree worth the effort.

I need to say one last thing. My son grew up with a child who became his best friend. Each served as best man at their respective weddings. I doubt that these two will ever be anything less than “I’d die for you” best friends. Individually both are very intelligent boys, from birth to present. However, whenever the two of them, as children, put their heads together to pull off some stunt, their aggregate IQ went down several points. They are both responsible family men now. As proud as I am of both of them, I’m still not too sure about their aggregate, stunt-pulling IQ. On the other hand, it is no longer my problem. Erica and Melissa, I wish you good luck!

This ran on longer than I wanted it to. I’ll get to the Bush et al some other time.


Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net