Um, can we talk?

God, Give Me a Sign
By Joseph Walther


This week’s topic was to be “GREAT SEX AND WHERE TO FIND IT.” Unfortunately, though, I read the Sunday News Journal before sitting down to write. I know I shouldn’t do that, but I did. So, the sex column will have to wait until some other week.

The News Journal, Delaware’s rendition of “fair and balanced”, carried an editorial in this week’s Sunday edition. It concerns an Italian journalist, Oriana Fallaci, who is on trial in Italy. The News Journal calls it a heresy trial. Her alleged crime is the propagation of hate speech, in that she insulted Islam.

Oriana is a 75-year old female version of Andy Rooney, minus all of the warmth and charisma, of course. Her latest book, “The Force of Reason,” lampooned Islam and upset mucho Muslims. The News Journal Editorial Board sides with Oriana on this one. What blows me way is that I agree with the News Journal. This worries me a bit, so I have an appointment with my therapist next week just to be on the safe side.

There is nothing new about religions lampooning each other? I have listened as Jimmy Swaggart, a modern-day Elmer Gantry, ripped the daylights out of the Roman Catholics on national television. The Roman Catholics never miss an opportunity to belittle every religious sect in the world by proclaiming themselves the “true religion.” Islam refers to non-Muslims as infidels. Neither, I hasten to add, are the Muslims shy or averse to insulting other religions. In fact, I believe that the IBRF—International Brotherhood of Religious Fanatics—has voted the Muslims “Best in Class” at doing this. The born again Christians are not exactly slouches when it comes to non-Christian slamming, either. This crap has been going on ever since man created God in his own image.

If I want to receive emails and letters numbering in the thousands, all I have to do is mention religion, birth control, stem-cell research, or homosexuality. It does not matter what I write, a large number of people will not be happy about it and many of the emails will be hate emails. Like Oriana Fallaci, though, I love it when a plan comes together. So far, my government has not seen fit to charge me with anything.

Think about this, folks. There have been highly trained, very intelligent people who claimed to have seen UFO’s. I am not talking about the cooks, barflies, and the usual collection of conspiracy dudes. I refer to responsible trained observers, military and commercial pilots, including an astronaut or two, who have observed unusual sightings. We do not hesitate to silence these observers immediately. If they do not adhere to the restrictions imposed on what the authorities permit them to report publicly, people take whatever steps are necessary to discredit them and ruin their reputations. Hate speech is never an issue when this happens.

On the other hand, people expect us to believe, without question, that an omniscient, omnipotent, and ever-present Deity is hanging around “out there”. This Deity is supposed to have created us in His own image and demands perpetual adulation and obedience through the adherence to the “rules” he gave to His various, handpicked emissaries. And, if we fail to comply, we’re doomed forever. Forget that all of those emissaries, Moses, Mohammed, Joseph Smith, etc. were alone and in places we can no longer find at the time He gave them the “rules.”

Given the size of the known universe, and assuming that it is just a fraction of what’s probably out there, which of these two scenarios is more likely? My vote is for the former. Yet, people expect us to disregard the former as nonsense and accept the latter as fact. Woe is to the one who questions the veracity of the latter. In fact, if you happen to be an Islamist extremist, you have a license to kill the infidels.

The next time any of you are attending a beef-n-beer and the DJ plays the “Electric Slide”, I want you to observe the crowd of people dancing. I also want you to observe the dancers when he plays “Wipeout”. He will play “Wipeout” because Federal Law requires that DJ’s play it at ALL beef-n-beers. Then, I want you to imagine an invisible but advanced civilization watching these humans dancing. What do you think they would be thinking; beyond the fact that white men can’t dance worth a damn? Scary, isn’t it!

Being a Catholic, I still marvel at some of the goings on during various religious ceremonies. For example, during a funeral mass, the priest, garbed in the splendor of his vestments, circles the coffin flicking the Censer—that gold vessel used to burn incense. The aroma of burning incense fills the church as he silently prays for the dead. Then he again circles the coffin, this time flicking the Aspergil, causing droplets of holy water to fall onto the coffin. To millions of Roman Catholics, this is a solemn religious rite; deserving of the utmost in respect and reverence.

Now, if you are old enough to remember, think back to the days of “Ramar of the Jungle.” Do you remember some of those native scenes involving the “witch doctor”, all decked out in his full regalia and glory dancing around some fallen comrade; reciting the appropriate incantations? He shook those rattles and flicked whatever onto his target in order to ward off evil spirits and invoke the power of his gods.

I used to laugh at such antics because educated people “knew” they were baseless. We just didn’t believe in the power of the “witch doctor.” Anyone with an IQ above 50 knew that evil spirits did not exist and such gods had to be false. Yet, when I went to church, as described above, I not only believed in the antics, I respected them. After all, this was my God, this time.

What gives one religious sect a right to claim superiority over all of the others? Get ready! This is going to upset many readers. NOTHING GIVES ANY SECT SUPERIORITY OVER THE OTHERS. In other words, believe what you want but keep your mouths shut about it.

The Catholics have the same degree of factual claim to their God as that Witch Doctor had to his God. The Muslims have the same degree of factual claim to their Islamic God as us Catholics and the Witch Doctors of the world. The various protestant religious sects have the same degree of factual claim to their God. The same holds true for the Born-again Christians, although, this latter group tends to be just as big a pain in the ass as the first time they were born. There is no superior religion. They all espouse the same themes. The only things that change are the holidays.

There is only one exception, the Calvinists. This religious sect gathers at various locations on the anniversaries of homosexuals who have died. Their latest target is Matthew Perry. Each year they gather at his burial site with signs tallying the total number of days that he has been in hell. They torment his family; rendering not so much as a thread of human decency toward those who loved this young man. And, I have yet to hear anyone cry about hate speech. These folks hate homosexuals with a passion. This is not a religion. It is just a hate group gathering under religiously false pretenses and I doubt that anyone would complain if an 18-wheeler lost control and wiped them all out.

There are those who believe in God or some other form of Deity. Others do not. Neither side knows for sure, which gives rise to my group: the Agnostics. To those who believe, no proof is necessary and to those who do not, no proof is possible. The rest of us would be happy to receive some kind of sign. Know what I mean, Vern? What a mess!

I have a dear friend who is a recovering alcoholic. He came close to death because of his addiction. His last resort, Jesus Christ, got him though many a desperate time and helped him get his addiction under control. God is real for him. To him, it was God who turned the wine back into water and saved his life. God very much exists in this man’s life and environment. Who am I to tell him he is full of crap simply because I don’t see it that way? His unyielding faith is what gets him through the night and helps him defeat his demons day in and day out. Good for him.

I have no more business criticizing his faith than I have murdering another human being. Neither do any of you, regardless of your religious philosophy and theological tenets. On the other hand, the self-proclaimed chosen ones have no business criticizing anyone else’s faith as long as it does not violate the laws of the land. Such proselytizing is what gives God a bad reputation. If I were Him, SPLAT, you’re all history.

We need to get real, people. Let’s stop killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend. After all, if we really believe that our God can kick their God’s ass, what makes all of us believe that such a God would need the help of such stupid mortals?

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer. Contact him by clicking on the CONTACT ME link above or email him at TheTrueFacts@comcast.net