Bend Over!

At Least Kiss Us First
By Joseph Walther


There’s a big difference between “spinning” a point of view and lying. Politicians, public administrators, newspaper publishers and editors, marketers, and lawyers understand this. These same folks also know that there is nothing more reliable than the gullibility of many Americans. This became ever more evident this past week as various “experts” barfed out all sorts of misinformation over the spike in gasoline prices.

Of course, the recent meteoric increase in the price of gasoline is not the only thing in the news lately. As I read my copy of the News Journal, the liberals’ how-to manual, I noticed a number of “spins” that struck me as being interesting. I’m going to start pointing them out in future issues, too.

For the present, though, I’m going to concentrate on gas prices and my theory on who is doing whom, and without so much as a kiss or decent lubricant.

Up front, let me tell all of you that we could fight back with a decent mass-transit system. We could compare Delaware’s mass-transit system to the one they have in New York City. There’s only one problem with this and it’s the fact that Delaware does not have a mass-transit system. I’d sell my car in a heartbeat if I had access to a reliable public transportation system that ran on a schedule that’s reasonably close to convenient.

Anyway, I heard an individual, on a local talk radio show, explaining the current high price of gasoline. He explained that oil companies sell petroleum based on a fixed markup and the fact that the futures market determines the price of a barrel of oil. In other words, people who buy oil futures are betting on the future. The situation in the Middle East is volatile and so the price of oil is sky high.

I know about the futures market, I know how it works. I also know that oil companies use a fixed markup. Up to this point, the man was accurate. For example, let’s assume that YOU are Exxon/Mobil and YOUR fixed markup is 50%. When you buy a barrel of oil for $75, you’ll sell it to a refinery for $112.50. Your friend is the refinery and he tacks on his markup of 50% and sells the barrel to the local retail gas sellers for about $3.85 a gallon. Whenever the barrel price increases, the price at all of these levels goes up because the markup is fixed. This is not rocket science.

The problem is that you and I do not buy our gas from oil companies or refineries. We buy it from the local Wawa, Exxon, BP, or any one of the other locally owned businesses that sell gasoline. These folks must operate under a different set of rules. Here’s what I mean.

A small, local business must base its business plan on a minimal markup in order to stay in business. The markup has to be reasonable enough to provide a product-selling price that falls within the “going” price range. For example, if you’re selling pizza and the price range for pizza runs between $9 and $10.50 per pie, you have to sell your product within this range. If your costs require you to sell higher than the high end of the range, you will not be in business for very long.

On the other hand, if your costs are such that you can sell your product below the lower end of the range, and you do, you’re an idiot! People within your sales area have shown a willingness to pay between $9 and $10.50, so aim for the mid-point of that range. As long as your product is good and comparable to the others in the area, you’ll be able to compete, actually undercut some of your competition, and still make a good living. Neither is this rocket science.

The point here is that the local retailers, where you and I buy our stuff, including gas for our cars, have no control over selling price. If the “going” price range provides sufficient income, they stay in business. Otherwise, they hold bankruptcy liquidation sale.

Smart small business owners keep their operating costs low enough so that they make a decent profit selling at or very close to the mid-point of the price range. But, there is no law stating that they have to sell at that point if the “going” price range shifts to higher ground.

Last week, I topped off my gas tank. It required ten gallons of standard grade gas at a price of $2.899 per gallon. I paid a total of $28.99 for the fill-up. I proceeded to go onto the Internet to see where my gas dollar goes. You can, too, by clicking here. I then went here to find the per gallon tax bite (all taxes both federal and state).

I’ve summarized my findings in the table below. But, you can try your own according to the tables provided in the links above.

Anatomy of a Screwing

Item Breakdown Dollar Breakdown
Crude Oil($.49/$) times $28.99 I spent. $14.205
Taxes($.414/Gal) times 10 gallons bought $4.140
Refining($.13/$) times $28.99 I spent $3.769
Retailing($.10/$) times $28.99 I spent $2.899
Theoretical Total $25.013
My Actual Total $28.990
Absolute Difference $3.977

My question to the talk show pontificators is this. Who gets the above difference between what I actually paid and what I should have paid. The “Where does your gas dollar go” chart came from the National Association of Convenience Stores.

I’ve shown this breakdown to several local retailers. It has them all flustered, particularly the ones who have told me that they send out scouts each day to see how much the local price range has changed. If it has shifted up, they raise their own prices, whether they actually need to or not.

There’s no law against this. They can screw us all they want as long as we allow it. We have to allow it because our cars won’t run on water. I don’t know about you, but the least the bastards could do is kiss us first!

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.

Anyone for copulating?

To Hell With Kyoto, Let’s Copulate
By Joseph Walther

A number of things came up this past week. I’d like to talk about two of them—maybe three—if I don’t get too long-winded about the first two. The first one came to my attention at the latest meeting of the McGoofy Group. The second one arrived via an email from Mr. Strowket Jentlee from Wankers Corner, Oregon, complaining that I sometimes “unforgivably” ignore grammar rules. The third one, time and space permitting, concerns last week’s column about Easter Sunday.

First Item:

The McGoofy Group, as my regulars know, consists of a band of men, totally enraptured with the philosophizing of their leader, Willie Nelson look-alike, Earl Taddor. The group meets once a month—more often if urgency dictates—at Mama Gina’s Pizza Stand in the New Castle, Delaware Farmers Market. Their overall mission, in addition to the getting out of their respective trailer parks for a while, is to analyze and propose solutions to the gravest of problems facing America. Getting all Republicans out of the U.S. Congress, the White House, Supreme Court, and—dare to fantasize—the face of the Earth seems to be chief among them.

This month’s topic was Global Warming. According to Earl, “That f^#!&ing George Bush is destroying the planet!” Earl continued, “The United States is the ONLY industrialized country that refused to sign the Kyoto Agreement in order to keep his buddies on the right happy so they can continue to rake in millions from oil.” The others agreed, especially Larry, his brother, Daryl, and his other brother, Daryl.

As a matter of personal curiosity and an uncontrollable desire to torque Earl’s jaw, I asked him how, specifically, George Bush would destroy the planet. I still have traces of blood on me from the daggers he stared at me during his scorn-filled reply, “Big business has a best friend. Guess who it is.”

“Earl,” I said, “you’re getting your shorts in a twit over something none of us can control at the present time. If you really understood the global warming issues and, more specifically, the Kyoto Protocol, you’d know why and you’d also know that George Bush isn’t smart enough to have had anything to do with it, at least not personally.”

The debate over global warming is not over its occurrence nor is it over its cause. We know that it’s happening and we all agree that its cause is atmospheric carbon in the form of CO2 (Carbon Dioxide). Hell, even Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh agree on these things! The argument is now over how much human activity contributes to the problem.

Solid science supports one side’s claims that the fluctuations are part of our planet’s natural cycle that’s been going on for eons. Earth has a huge store of carbon (about 145 billion tons). It constantly cycles through our oceans, atmosphere, and vegetation. Carbon Dioxide (CO2) is a natural part of the process. Conversely, human contribution to atmospheric carbon as CO2 is less than five percent of the total carbon. “Gee whiz , Earl”, I said, “if this is only half true, human contribution to the problem isn’t major.”

Earl’s rebuttal, “bullshit!”, echoed the opposing point of view. This seems to be the essence of what I’ve heard from the tree huggers in general. Earl went on to added more “scientific fact” to his argument. “There are enough SUVs in this country, alone, to destroy the ozone layer. I don’t know if you’re (meaning me) blind, stupid, or both.”

“Earl, as you’ve noticed, I wear glasses. I can’t hide that fact. Also, there’s probably a fair share of folks who think I’m stupid. Sitting here arguing with possum eaters does little to dispel such suspicions. So, I’ll concede a few threads of truth to your assessment.”

Folks, on the other hand, even if there are legitimate scientific objections to the science discussed above, my point is that it does not matter.

We can’t eliminate CO2 emissions simply by urging everyone in the industrialized world to kiss, hold hands, and pledge to stop using carbon-based fuels. Smokestack scrubbers will not do the trick for global warming. Coal and oil are, in the short run, the only ones that are practical. This is partly because the tree huggers throw inconsolable hissy fits at the very mention of the term “nuclear.” According to Greenies, windmills are our only salvation. Unfortunately, the private sector does not seem to agree. Otherwise, they’d be raking in millions of dollars in profit by creating artificial shortages of wind., even though there’s an endless supply of hot wind in Congress.

In a nutshell, Kyoto requires cuts in greenhouse emissions along the lines of about five and a half percent below 1990 levels or about 30% below the projected 2010 levels. Of course, Russia is the only industrialized nation capable of doing this. The Russian economy is in the crapper anyway. So who cares? If people think the rest of the industrialized world is going to lower its standard of living, they’d better keep smoking those funny cigarettes.

Gross National Product comes from huge energy use. Huge energy use produces huge greenhouse-gas emissions. A significant lowering of emissions means shrinking the economy. A huge lowering of emission, in accordance with Kyoto, amounts to economic collapse.

I said, “Here’s a newsflash for you, Earl,” I continued with, “No significant industrialized economy is going to make itself poorer. The others may have signed the Kyoto Protocol but they’re not going to comply. The United States didn’t sign because we knew we weren’t going to comply. So, we’re the only nation with gonads large enough to say it up front.”

Global warming will not end civilization. The world will survive the short run problems. The United States, as usual, will lead the industrial nations in finding much cleaner energy sources in the long run. The free enterprise motivation, which so much of the rest of the world outwardly loves to criticize, will come to the rescue as it always does. Then, of course, everyone will have to move onto something else that the world can condemn us for.

Second item:

Mr. Strowket Jentlee of Wankers, Oregon emailed me, concerned as all get out over the fact that I sometimes use “copulative” conjunctions to start a sentence AND I end some of my sentences with prepositions.

Mr. Jentlee, let me tell you up front that I am suspicious of your name. I know that Wankers, OR. is a legitimate place because I googled it. But, it does not surprise me that someone with a name like Strowket Jentlee, from a place called Wankers would have heard about “copulative” conjunctions.

I have to admit that I had never heard of a “copulative” conjunction, but the name sounded so… you know…erotic (impure if you’re a Catholic and DIRTY if you listen to Pat Robertson). By God, the last time I felt mysteriously compelled to look up a word was way back in my youthful seminarian days. That word was “celibacy.” And, let me tell you that I was glad I did. Once I found out what it meant, I got a transfer out of that joint in a hurry.

I have copies of every style manual there is. Indeed, the Chicago Manual of Style had a whole thingy on “copulative” conjunctions. And, (Blush, my conjunctions are copulating again.) there’s nothing erotic about them, certainly there’s no reason to go to confession for using them.

It seems that all of us have been using “copulative” conjunctions all of our lives without even realize it, so it’s not a sin. Here’s a hint. Instead of modifying your grammar rules to incorporate the use of “copulative” conjunctions, keep on using those coordinating conjunctions that you’ve always used. If you want to get wild and shake people up, call them additive conjunctions.

As for my use of prepositions to end some of my sentences, I plead guilty. But, (still copulating) it hasn’t been a crime since about the 15th century. So, Mr. Jentlee, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, this is the kind of criticism up with which I will not put!

Third item:

There’s no time or space for it. I’ll get to it some other time. In the meantime, have a great week. And, if you’re going to copulate, for God’s sake don’t do it with conjunctions.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.

Happy Easter

Tis Easter Sunday
By Joseph Walther


This past Friday was Good Friday, purportedly the most solemn of days on the Christian calendar. Today is Easter Sunday, the holiest of holy days on the Christian calendar. Jesus died on the cross on Good Friday in retribution for the sins of humanity: past, present, and future. Easter Sunday commemorates His resurrection from the dead in triumph over physical death and the fulfillment of God’s promise to humanity.

Our personal beliefs regarding religious dogma are not important. The fact is that a huge number of people throughout the world believe in some form of Deity. Click here for an idea of just how many. This number includes 1.1 billion non-believers. The bottom line, though, shows that about 84% of Earth’s human inhabitants believe in a God. Even though this number is an estimate, I think it is a reasonable one, given the statistical methods used to arrive at it.

As daunting as these figures are, I’d like to concentrate on the United States. The current estimate of the U. S. population is around 298 million people. Click here to see the population clock. According to www.wikitravel.org, Christians account for about 78% of the U. S. religious population. If these figures are accurate, we have about 233 million Christians in this country. This leaves a paltry 65 million (men, women, and children) that are either religious but non-Christian or non-religious.

I decided to do a bit of surveying, myself, this Easter. Even though my home state is Delaware, a state with a geographical size comparable to your average golf course, Christians here should be similar in beliefs and religious conduct as anywhere else in the United States. In other words, Christians, no matter the location, should constitute a good statistical cross-representation of Christians everywhere else in the United State.

Beginning at 11:30 AM on Good Friday, I headed for the shopping malls in New Castle County Delaware. Of Delaware’s three counties, New Castle is the largest in population. As I compared Delaware’s total area to your average golf course, then New Castle County would be almost as large as the first tee at Augusta National Golf Course in Georgia.

New Castle County’s population as of 2004 was 519,396 people (men, women, and children). Click here to see a complete U. S. Census breakdown. Reasonably assuming that this county is representative of the U. S. Christian population, there would be around 115 thousand non-Christian believers and/or non-believers.

How, I asked myself, could a good, sincere, dedicated, compassionate, and committed Christian go shopping while Jesus Christ, suffering unimaginably while hanging from a cross with nails, dies for their redemption? I concluded, therefore, that Good Friday would render shopping malls to the status of ghost towns.

The first stop was the Brandywine Towne Center, consisting of several thousand stores, including a Target Department Store about the size of Bosnia. It was not a ghost town. I estimated, glancing at the number of people in the 3-checkout lanes out of the thirty available, that there were 132,976 shoppers. This estimate may not be right on because I couldn’t see how many people were waiting in line of hot dogs… on Good Friday.

In fairness to Christians, many of these people may not have been shopping. About 120,000 of them seemed to be wondering, zombie-like, around the inside of the store. Many of them were mumbling. For all I know, this mumbling could have been prayer. I really couldn’t tell. On the other hand, I was able to understand many of the others, and they were not talking about Good Friday, the Crucifixion, or the death of Jesus. Most of them seemed rather irritated with the zombies being in their way and preventing them from reaching the sales. Many of them called His name but there was a lot of confusing because some used “Jesus H. Christ”, while several others seemed to believe His middle name was “Fuckin.”

I drove to the Concord Mall. My estimate of the number of shoppers as of 1:30 PM was 36,412, most of them wondering around in that same zombie-like, directionless trance. They, too, seemed to be mumbling. Again, this may have been prayer. Many of the others were waiting in line for pizza. Others, and you will always find a few of these “health freak” sissies, were buying salads and pouring two or three packets of artery-clogging dressing on them.

As in the case of the other mall, I didn’t hear a single mention of Good Friday or Christ’s suffering and death on the cross.

I left and headed south to the Christiana Mall. This is easily the largest mall in New Castle County. No one really knows how many stores there are in this mall. It covers an area about the size of New York. No matter how many times you visit the place, there are more “coming soon” construction signs.

Entering the mall through the food court, I counted approximately 80,000 shoppers but I was still in the food court. I knew from experience that there had to be at least another 200,000 shoppers in the mall proper, many of them waiting to buy pretzels from Auntie Anne’s and ice cream by the gallon from Häagen-Dazs.

Of course, there were the usual numbers of aimless wonderers mumbling to each other and to themselves. But, try as I might, I did not hear a single mention of Good Friday. As in the case of the other malls, I did hear a number of people, both adults and teenagers, mention Jesus Christ, but with the same degree of confusion regarding His middle name and/or initial. I don’t think they meant it in a Christian-like manner, though.

I concluded from my analysis that the number of people who claim to honor Jesus Christ is much larger than the number who actually do. The latter group probably wasn’t at any of the malls on this past Good Friday. They were too busy in prayerful contemplation, some in houses of worship, and others at home or somewhere else alone with their thoughts, thanking Jesus for His sacrifice on their behalf.

Adding insult to injury, on Easter Sunday morning, there was the front-page News Journal article with the following headline: “With a tough election year ahead, Republicans rediscover the religious right” The article referred to the religious right as the Republican Party’s base. It described in maudlin detail how this group feels disenfranchised as the result of this Congress’ failure to pass a marriage protection amendment, anti-flag burning legislation, and new abortion limits legislation. The article included a threat by a spokesperson for the group; “Some of these better pass.”

A gag reflex is difficult to control. As I read this article, I had to summon every ounce of self-control in order to keep from puking all over the paper. I did it, though. Here are a few observations.

First, I have been a conservative my entire life and this group does not represent my feelings at all. Neither does it represent the feelings of my conservative friends and associates. I also have serious doubts that it represents the feelings of the mainstream Republican Party, any more so than the left-wing nuts on the Democratic side represent the mainstream of that party. Second, U. S. citizens who burn the flag in policy disagreements do not pose a threat to this country. On the other hand, those who advocate banning the practice pose an enormous threat to the very foundation of our Constitution’s First Amendment. Third, I fail to see what they want to protect marriage from.

Abortion is an emotionally charged time bomb and it will never be resolved to everyone’s satisfaction. Both sides of this issue pose some valid points. However, it seems preposterous as all get out to think that an all-powerful, omniscient Deity would need the help of mortals. Let’s agree to let it go at this, at least for now.

I always believed marriage to be an expressed desire between two people wishing to commit themselves to each other until death parts them. While religious or civil officials may participate, they do so as witnesses. Again, God’s reputation as an all-powerful, omniscient, and omnipresent being should eliminate any need for human witnesses. Nope, if there’s such a God, it seems logical that He don’t need no help from no stinkin’ humans when it comes to protecting the sanctity of marriage.

Humans, on the other hand, do need the witnesses. Meddlers love this. Besides, someone has to divvy up the assets, alimony, and child support when lifelong true love turns out to a bust.

Many marriages are doomed to fail regardless of who marries whom. When there is no solid emotional foundation for the marriage, it’s bound to fail when “cute” stops cutting it. “Cute” begins to get old as soon as the couple gets through all of the sexual positions two, maybe three, times. Sex goes from very hot to hot to tepid to chilly, to absolute zero. And, with it fades all memories of that hot ass, voluptuous breasts, six-pack abs, and the male notion that an ample manly endowment it all that it takes.

Suddenly the couple realizes that each married a moron. It doesn’t take much to end it beyond this point. Eventually, one of them will enter the bathroom as the other is leaving it. An odor that could fell an elephant will smack them right between the eyes. “That’s it. I’m outta here!” the offended party will exclaim. Marriage over.

I swear! Some people cannot be happy unless they are actively engaged in helping their version of God dictate the morals of the human race. Watching some of these fanatics would be funny… like watching the behavior of wankers in their natural habitat. What keeps it from being hilarious is the fact that their antics hurt many hard working, honest, and decent people.

Small-minded people seem to derive a tremendously inflated sense of self-esteem from this sort of thing. A highly intoxicating rush of feelings of superiority usually follows this. They never seem to understand that the careless use of intoxicants can leave their users dazed, not to mention looking silly and humiliated.

Those relatively few members of Congress on the extremes of right and left, need to remember this as well, preferably before attempting to make their opinions the law of the land. If the Republicans lose control of the Congress, it will have everything to do with their mistaken assumption that few right wing nuts speak for the country.

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.

Dear God, please don't let me have terminal hemorrhoids!

Let Us Pray
By Joseph Walther


Oh dear God, please help me through this night and I promise that I’ll get through the next one on my own. Yes, prayer is in the news again. So is South Dakota’s new tough anti-abortion bill. Of course, our nation’s news media both print and electronic, ever striving to keep us at the forefront of trivial pursuits, loves to print this crap. Permit me to give you folks another perspective.

Some group paid a total of $2.4 million on an attempt to test the power of prayer on post-operative cardiac bypass-surgery patients. They took 1,800 patients and divided them up into three groups. People were “assigned” to pray for two of the groups. The first group knew about the prayers, but the second one didn’t. The third group didn’t even know that a study of such magnitude was going on. By the way, the praying folks had a deadline of 14-days to do their praying.

I know that the suspense has to be killing you readers. So, here is the result of this $2.4 million study. It’s a toss-up. Statistically speaking, the spirit in charge of post-operative complications obviously did not hear about the study. Members from all three groups experienced complications and the distribution was dangerously close to normal.

Does this mean that you should throw away your rosary beads, bibles, or all other means of communicating with the Big Guy? Well, of course it doesn’t! First, I did not see anything in the study to account for the occasional medical blunder or drunken surgeon. We’ll have to await the lawyers’ report for that part. Second, I don’t think anyone even thought of the possibility that the Big Guy may not look favorably on deadlines.

Besides this, even though well-intentioned folks disagree over whether or not prayer helps the situation, if medical science has done all that it can, there is not a shred of scientific evidence that it hurts anything. So, pray like there’s no tomorrow if you believe that it helps.

A bigger question, at least in my mind, is who worries about this stuff. Personally, I think that there are two small groups out there. One is outwardly avid in deity belief but inwardly so weak in conviction that its members grab at anything resembling validation, even if they have to make it up. The other group is comprised of the non-believers, who are just as outwardly avid, every bit as conviction-weak, and in the same throes of validation malnourishment. Either way, both groups seem to have the attention of a news media that seems obsessed with flicking fly shit out of pepper and convincing us that it’s important.

I’ll tell you what. I’m already in the process of requesting $2 million from Congress to study why gorillas have such large nostrils. Frankly, I have a hunch that it’s because they have such large fingers, but this study will finally confirm the hunch and put the matter to rest so that we can all move on with our lives. As an added incentive for Congress to approve my grant request, I’ll throw in a side study to see if there’s sufficient justification for a taxpayer funded support group for such worrisome people. We could call it the Fraternity of the Incurably Baffled or, if you’d prefer, FIB.

Meanwhile, out in good old conservative South Dakota, the state’s legislature has enacted the mother lode of all abortion bills. This one outlaws all abortions, even in cases of rape and incest, unless the mother’s life is in danger. Doctors who are convicted of assisting in abortions could go to prison for five years. The ban passed by a margin of almost 2 to 1 in the state Senate and by a margin of almost 3 to 1 in the state House. The Governor signed it into law, fully expecting a court challenge from opponents.

Guess what? Those opponents decided not to go to court. Instead, they are going directly to the voters to force a referendum. In less than two weeks, they have garnered over a third of the signatures needed to force the issue, with huge numbers of people waiting in line to sign the petition, most advocating opposition to the ban. OOPS!

It seems that South Dakota’s General Assembly forgot to consider that the majority of people in this country, whether they support abortion rights or not, consider the matter private and want the government to stay out of it. Reading many of the quotes from even the staunchest conservatives in South Dakota, makes me believe that South Dakotans are no different.

Here’s a note to politicians everywhere. Keep your hypocritical noses out of things that do not concern you. We the people have unwittingly turned things over to self-serving lobbyists, both locally and nationally. Some of you know this; and you’re the same ones who would sell your own children for the right price. In the short term, this is quite a mess for us. Give us the right incentive, though, and we’ll fix it. You can take this to the bank.

You are not fooling all of the people, not even some of the time. We are members of the largest and potentially most powerful lobbing group that this country has ever known. You probably know us by our formal name: Your Constituents. Don’t piss us off. If you do, we’ll organize and drop kick your cocky butts back to where ever you came from.

You know, it’s one thing to screw us with silly spending on stupid crap. We’ll even let you raise our taxes, up to a point. You want to go on those [wink] [wink] fact-finding trips. No problem. You want to stand ankle-deep in semen in orgasmic oblivion. No problem. We’ve become so accustomed to all of your crap that almost nothing shocks us any more.

The operant term is “almost.” Your attempts to impose your personal moralities on the rest of us both shocks and angers us. With whom we have legitimate sex, how we deal with our externally imposed personal life and death tragedies, and the manner in which we deal with child bearing are matters of personal conscience and none of your business.

We have several legitimate sources if we feel compelled to seek moral guidance. The United States Congress, White House, and all fifty State General Assemblies, many members of which display the intellect of celery and integrity of hyenas, have missed that list by light-years.

Have a great week. And, speaking of being ankle-deep in semen, it’s Spring break time again, so be careful. The Catholic Church could excommunicate me for saying that. Oh, wait… it’s too late; I forgot. OOPS!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.

You may be a senior citizen!

Bam! Just Like That, You’re A Senior Citizen
By Joseph Walther


Two things happened to me last week. While both brought added perspective to the fact that I am a sixty-three year old retiree, they did so from two radically different perspectives. The first incident was funny, not just to me, but to everyone within earshot of it. The second incident was sad… no, stupid. It added to the growing volume of evidence that our well of social common sense is going dry.

People in search of things to write about need only go to a shopping mall. They are teeming with stories, each one screaming “TELL ME!” And, most of the ones I go to have damn good pizza, too. In fact, not only do I find great human-interest stories, I save tons of money on pizza purchases. Let me explain this last part before getting into the human-interest part.

Going to a mall to buy a single slice of pizza is a very expensive proposition. Let’s say that it costs $1.00 in gas money to make a round trip. You hit the pizza stand and pay $2.75 for a slice of pizza. Unless you’re some kind of a math retard, you will realize that you just paid $3.75 for the slice. Anyone dumb enough to pay $3.75 for a slice of pizza is just plain stupid.

If you do what I do and buy 4-slices, you save a small fortune. Again, for the math retards, here are the numbers. You’ll pay the same $1.00 for the round trip. BUT, instead of adding it to the price of a single slice, you’ll spread it over four slices. That’s right! Instead of a slice costing you $3.75, it will now only cost $3.00. You’re saving $0.75 a slice! Need I say MORE? Ok, back to the human-interest stuff.

At what age does someone become a senior citizen? Some people say that it happens at age 55-years. Others, certainly the bulk of the 55-year olds, say, “NO WAY, senior citizenship starts at age 60-years.” Still others, most likely the majority of the 60-year olds, say it begins at 65-years.

According to 6 ¾ year old Jessica Warren, it happens during 7th grade! She and her aunt were taking a pizza break when I overhead the conversation between the two of them. I just had to get the details. So, when her aunt saw the grin on my face, she smiled back in my direction as I introduced myself.

Jessica was solidly emphatic about two things as I talked to her. First, her birthday was coming up on June 19th and THAT made her 6 ¾, NOT quite as old as seven, but well beyond a mere six! Second, the kids in 7th grade are OLD. According to her considerable research, once a kid gets into the 7th grade, they change into fuddy-duddies, too old to share the same recess area but not quite old enough to be teachers.

By now, a number of the 50, 55, 60, and older set had taken up seats surrounding us. “You tell em, sweetheart,” an older person told her. Her aunt, by my estimate about twenty-five years old, could hardly contain herself. “My goodness”, she said looking in my direction, “I guess this makes me pretty old.” Grinning back at her, “no doubt about it’, I said, “but take heart; by this analysis, I’m old enough to have catered the Last Supper.”

Readers, no matter how old any of us are, there are those older than us, who unhesitatingly remind us that we’re mere young snots who have no idea what “old” is. On the other hand, none of us should ever forget that, to many of those who’ve made it to the mature age of 6 ¾ years, twelve year-olds are prime candidates for membership in AARP and fifteen year-olds are almost dead. As for me and others in my age group, I think we are just walking around to save on funeral expenses.

Mind you, now, that Jessica didn’t say this in so many words. But, if the shoe fits, put it on and be done with it.

On Saturday afternoon, about 4:30ish, I stopped at a Boston Market restaurant. As I stood in line to order, a woman, along with her four children got in line behind me. The youngest of the children looked to be about 8-years old. I’d place the oldest at around 15, maybe 16-years old. These were well-behaved kids.

It seemed that this outing was a much awaited and deserved treat for these children but, since mom’s income demanded thriftiness, she quietly cautioned them to use restraint when they ordered. If not, they’d all go home hungry, not to mention the real possibility of experiencing pain in their posteriors just below the waist lines.

Well, ok, she didn’t actually threaten them with bodily harm. But I could tell these kids were experts at reading their mom’s eyes. There was just something in the way her eyes seemed to beam the unspoken message of, “don’t risk your lives by messing with me.” She spoke volumes to her children without actually verbalizing.

My turn came and I ordered. By my calculations, the order total should have been $9.50. However, the cashier told me that I owed $8.55. As I was about to question this, I noticed that my receipt indicated a 10% senior citizen discount. I was shocked. I mean… this was an even greater blow than my encounter with Jessica Warren back at the mall. This one involved actual money. Boston Market had dubbed me an “official” senior citizen.

I don’t need a senior citizen discount. It has nothing to do with age, either. Financially, I don’t need it. There are millions of seniors, just like me, who do not need this discount. Conversely, millions of others do.

The woman behind me in line with her four children could have used my discount. She was, from what I gathered, a hard working mom, raising children alone. I wanted to give her my discount but the cashier wouldn’t do it. “It’s against company policy,” she said.

I was not about to raise hell over this because it would have been embarrassing to the woman and her children. I wasn’t going to argue with the 18-year old cashier, either, because she was just doing her job. I paid the price on the cash register receipt, took my tray of food to a booth, and started to eat.

As I was leaving the restaurant, the woman who had been behind me in line waved me over to her table. “Thank you, that was a nice gesture”, she said. I told her she was welcome and I left.

Folks, there are no such things as freebies in the business world. Neither are there such things as compassionate discounts. Yes, it’s true that you will pay less at places like Sam’s Club, Costco, and Target. But, this is because volume sales make discounts a business incentive, not because the volume discounters are benevolent.

In order for Boston Market to give me an unneeded senior citizen discount, they have to increase the price of all non-senior citizen meals. The massive savings on pizza slices, alone, that I described earlier in this column make a senior citizen discount a moot issue in my case.

The hard-working mother of four standing behind me needed the discount. I didn’t. Even though some senior citizens could use a discount, restaurants should stop such a stupid practice. Instead of factoring in the discount over the price of all non-senior citizen meals, pass the savings on to everyone. I’m betting they won’t do it, though.

Well, Jessica, I gave your aunt the web address of this column. She told me that she’d print it out and give it to you when you, too, get to 7th grade and become a senior citizen. I hope you have many happy birthdays.

I, on the other hand, intend to keep on going to the malls in search of huge pizza slice savings. I might even expand my horizons into soft pretzels and Chic-fil-A chicken strips. With the money I amass, who knows what I’ll be able to do for humanity. But no matter what, I’m not giving any senior citizen discounts!

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.