Anyone for copulating?

To Hell With Kyoto, Let’s Copulate
By Joseph Walther

A number of things came up this past week. I’d like to talk about two of them—maybe three—if I don’t get too long-winded about the first two. The first one came to my attention at the latest meeting of the McGoofy Group. The second one arrived via an email from Mr. Strowket Jentlee from Wankers Corner, Oregon, complaining that I sometimes “unforgivably” ignore grammar rules. The third one, time and space permitting, concerns last week’s column about Easter Sunday.

First Item:

The McGoofy Group, as my regulars know, consists of a band of men, totally enraptured with the philosophizing of their leader, Willie Nelson look-alike, Earl Taddor. The group meets once a month—more often if urgency dictates—at Mama Gina’s Pizza Stand in the New Castle, Delaware Farmers Market. Their overall mission, in addition to the getting out of their respective trailer parks for a while, is to analyze and propose solutions to the gravest of problems facing America. Getting all Republicans out of the U.S. Congress, the White House, Supreme Court, and—dare to fantasize—the face of the Earth seems to be chief among them.

This month’s topic was Global Warming. According to Earl, “That f^#!&ing George Bush is destroying the planet!” Earl continued, “The United States is the ONLY industrialized country that refused to sign the Kyoto Agreement in order to keep his buddies on the right happy so they can continue to rake in millions from oil.” The others agreed, especially Larry, his brother, Daryl, and his other brother, Daryl.

As a matter of personal curiosity and an uncontrollable desire to torque Earl’s jaw, I asked him how, specifically, George Bush would destroy the planet. I still have traces of blood on me from the daggers he stared at me during his scorn-filled reply, “Big business has a best friend. Guess who it is.”

“Earl,” I said, “you’re getting your shorts in a twit over something none of us can control at the present time. If you really understood the global warming issues and, more specifically, the Kyoto Protocol, you’d know why and you’d also know that George Bush isn’t smart enough to have had anything to do with it, at least not personally.”

The debate over global warming is not over its occurrence nor is it over its cause. We know that it’s happening and we all agree that its cause is atmospheric carbon in the form of CO2 (Carbon Dioxide). Hell, even Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, and Rush Limbaugh agree on these things! The argument is now over how much human activity contributes to the problem.

Solid science supports one side’s claims that the fluctuations are part of our planet’s natural cycle that’s been going on for eons. Earth has a huge store of carbon (about 145 billion tons). It constantly cycles through our oceans, atmosphere, and vegetation. Carbon Dioxide (CO2) is a natural part of the process. Conversely, human contribution to atmospheric carbon as CO2 is less than five percent of the total carbon. “Gee whiz , Earl”, I said, “if this is only half true, human contribution to the problem isn’t major.”

Earl’s rebuttal, “bullshit!”, echoed the opposing point of view. This seems to be the essence of what I’ve heard from the tree huggers in general. Earl went on to added more “scientific fact” to his argument. “There are enough SUVs in this country, alone, to destroy the ozone layer. I don’t know if you’re (meaning me) blind, stupid, or both.”

“Earl, as you’ve noticed, I wear glasses. I can’t hide that fact. Also, there’s probably a fair share of folks who think I’m stupid. Sitting here arguing with possum eaters does little to dispel such suspicions. So, I’ll concede a few threads of truth to your assessment.”

Folks, on the other hand, even if there are legitimate scientific objections to the science discussed above, my point is that it does not matter.

We can’t eliminate CO2 emissions simply by urging everyone in the industrialized world to kiss, hold hands, and pledge to stop using carbon-based fuels. Smokestack scrubbers will not do the trick for global warming. Coal and oil are, in the short run, the only ones that are practical. This is partly because the tree huggers throw inconsolable hissy fits at the very mention of the term “nuclear.” According to Greenies, windmills are our only salvation. Unfortunately, the private sector does not seem to agree. Otherwise, they’d be raking in millions of dollars in profit by creating artificial shortages of wind., even though there’s an endless supply of hot wind in Congress.

In a nutshell, Kyoto requires cuts in greenhouse emissions along the lines of about five and a half percent below 1990 levels or about 30% below the projected 2010 levels. Of course, Russia is the only industrialized nation capable of doing this. The Russian economy is in the crapper anyway. So who cares? If people think the rest of the industrialized world is going to lower its standard of living, they’d better keep smoking those funny cigarettes.

Gross National Product comes from huge energy use. Huge energy use produces huge greenhouse-gas emissions. A significant lowering of emissions means shrinking the economy. A huge lowering of emission, in accordance with Kyoto, amounts to economic collapse.

I said, “Here’s a newsflash for you, Earl,” I continued with, “No significant industrialized economy is going to make itself poorer. The others may have signed the Kyoto Protocol but they’re not going to comply. The United States didn’t sign because we knew we weren’t going to comply. So, we’re the only nation with gonads large enough to say it up front.”

Global warming will not end civilization. The world will survive the short run problems. The United States, as usual, will lead the industrial nations in finding much cleaner energy sources in the long run. The free enterprise motivation, which so much of the rest of the world outwardly loves to criticize, will come to the rescue as it always does. Then, of course, everyone will have to move onto something else that the world can condemn us for.

Second item:

Mr. Strowket Jentlee of Wankers, Oregon emailed me, concerned as all get out over the fact that I sometimes use “copulative” conjunctions to start a sentence AND I end some of my sentences with prepositions.

Mr. Jentlee, let me tell you up front that I am suspicious of your name. I know that Wankers, OR. is a legitimate place because I googled it. But, it does not surprise me that someone with a name like Strowket Jentlee, from a place called Wankers would have heard about “copulative” conjunctions.

I have to admit that I had never heard of a “copulative” conjunction, but the name sounded so… you know…erotic (impure if you’re a Catholic and DIRTY if you listen to Pat Robertson). By God, the last time I felt mysteriously compelled to look up a word was way back in my youthful seminarian days. That word was “celibacy.” And, let me tell you that I was glad I did. Once I found out what it meant, I got a transfer out of that joint in a hurry.

I have copies of every style manual there is. Indeed, the Chicago Manual of Style had a whole thingy on “copulative” conjunctions. And, (Blush, my conjunctions are copulating again.) there’s nothing erotic about them, certainly there’s no reason to go to confession for using them.

It seems that all of us have been using “copulative” conjunctions all of our lives without even realize it, so it’s not a sin. Here’s a hint. Instead of modifying your grammar rules to incorporate the use of “copulative” conjunctions, keep on using those coordinating conjunctions that you’ve always used. If you want to get wild and shake people up, call them additive conjunctions.

As for my use of prepositions to end some of my sentences, I plead guilty. But, (still copulating) it hasn’t been a crime since about the 15th century. So, Mr. Jentlee, to paraphrase Winston Churchill, this is the kind of criticism up with which I will not put!

Third item:

There’s no time or space for it. I’ll get to it some other time. In the meantime, have a great week. And, if you’re going to copulate, for God’s sake don’t do it with conjunctions.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.