With the war on terror, why take unnecessary chances?

You Could Win Millions
By Joseph Walther


Remember! The less you bet, the more you lose when you win. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that it takes quite the jackass to buy into such nonsense. Well, here’s a newsflash. There are lots of jackasses and most of them apparently have money. I don’t know about you, but I seem to find most of them in front of me in checkout lines. Here are a few examples.

I drink boatloads of coffee. I buy most of it from Wawa. Let me say at the outset that Wawa is an outstanding retail establishment. The employees are friendly and courteous. Product quality is top notch and reasonably priced. On the negative side, though, some of the Wawa corporate managers are marketing people. And, as we all know, most marketing managers are idiots… well, except for the ones who have convinced us that we’ll die if we don’t drink bottled water.

Wawa recently launched a campaign whereby some lucky customer has a chance to win a million dollars just for drinking a cup of Wawa coffee. Lawyers take note that I said “a chance” to win. This is not the same thing as saying, “will win.” Anyway, here’s how it works. At least I think this is how it works.

For the duration of the contest, Wawa has set up a coffee cup brigade. This team rides around in a new Chrysler PT Cruiser during the early morning hours—5 AM through 9 AM, I think—looking for coffee drinkers carrying one of the new cups. It’s easy for the coffee brigade to spot the new cups because Wawa changed the color scheme. The new color scheme is dark brown with a bright red, one-inch stripe around the top rim. Blind people can see it!

If the coffee brigade spots you carrying one of the new cups, they will check the number on the bottom of the cup. If it’s a lucky number, you win an instant ten-dollar Wawa gift card. They will then take your picture with the cup and place it on their web site. Additionally, they will place your name into a lottery group of other such instant winners. At some point towards the end of the contest, Wawa officials will draw one of those names. If you’re the winner of that drawing, you will then get to choose one envelope from a group of one-hundred envelopes, only one of which has the winning number.

Oh, yes, here’s an interesting side note. The contest rules state, “No purchase is necessary.” This is the good news. The bad news is that I don’t think Wawa will provide bail money if you get caught shoplifting a cup of coffee.

What are your chances of winning the million-dollars from this Wawa contest? I’d say your chances of winning are similar to the chances of an electric train hitting you while you are swimming underwater on any given Tuesday morning, only not quite as likely.

I have always enjoyed drinking Wawa coffee. I intend to keep drinking it. If you like hot, freshly brewed coffee, I suggest you do the same. It tastes great and the local employees are terrific people. Just don’t come to depend on winning that million-dollar prize. And, under no circumstances, should you include it as a percentage of your retirement fund.

In contrast, along the “I’m an unlucky schnook” line of thinking, last Thursday evening, I observed a customer attempting to buy a new Epson All-In-One printer at CompUSA. The conversation went like this.

Sales Clerk:
“This is one of the most reliable printers on the market.”

Customer:
“Yes, I read about it. Consumer Reports raved about it.”

Sales Clerk:
“Look at how fantastic the picture output is.”

Customer:
“You couldn’t get that kind of quality if you had them professionally developed. I’ll buy it.”

Sales Clerk:
“Just in case it breaks before you get it out the front door, do you want the replacement policy? It’s covered no matter what happens and it’s only $39.95 for three years.”

Customer:
“It’s a brand new printer. If something goes wrong, I’ll just bring it back.”

Sales Clerk:
“Well, suit yourself. But, with the war on terror, it’s best not to take any chances.”

Customer:
“Oh, yeah, I forgot about that. Ok, add it in! You take American Express?”

Continuing with the same logic form, I had to return a Craftsman cordless screwdriver to the local Sears store last week. It was only 5-years old but the battery had ruptured rendering the unit useless. I know that Craftsman produces quality, long-lasting products. I’ve been buying them for years. I still have a Craftsman power saw that I purchased directly from Thomas Edison just moments after he invented electricity. It still works.

So, when the cordless screwdriver battery spewed acid all over the insides of the screwdriver, I was a bit confused. I was also a bit concerned when I got some of the leaking acid on my hands. I swear that I felt the acid beginning to eat its way into my fingers. I even called my lawyer to see how badly the incident may have injured me, and to ask if he could recommend a doctor. He hasn’t gotten back to me yet. I guess it takes time to calculate potential pain and suffering.

After I explained the circumstances to the friendly, highly trained staff (a 17-year old high school senior named Braden), he replaced it, with the newest and best model, free of charge. This blew me away. The conversation went like this.

Me:
“There’s no charge?”

Braden:
“No.”

Me:
“I don’t have a service/replacement contract, you know.”

Braden:
“You don’t need one. Craftsman stuff is totally reliable.”

Me:
“Wow, thanks!”

Braden:
“Um, just in case the new one breaks before you get to your car, I can give you a replacement contract for just $14.96 and it’s good for 2-years.”

Me:
“I thought you said that Craftsman products are totally reliable.”

Braden:
“They are, but I get an 80% commission on these contracts. I may be young, but I’m not stupid. Besides, with the war on terror, it’s best not to take any chances.”

Me:
“I see your point. Ok, you take American Express?”

Highly irritating and self-proclaimed rational people make a point of lecturing jackasses on the stupidity of purchasing service and replacement contracts on new, highly reliable, brand-name products. The same people condescendingly refer to the purchase of state lottery tickets as a tax on the mathematically challenged, as though all of us… I mean you, who buy them are just insanely stupid.

Well, to all of you pontificating, snotty-assed know-it-alls, let me just tell you that logic is no match for fear. The Republicans are experts on this. Add to this the age-old denominational religious indoctrination that we’re all useless scum, unworthy and infinitely deserving of whatever bad may happen to us, and the result is a nation of passive sheep, glad to wait in long lines, at any cost, for needless service agreements.

Besides, with the war on terror, why take unnecessary changes. Where’s that American Express card?

That’s it for now. Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.