Been Laiden didn't have nothin' to do with it!

Because You Pissed Me Off, That’s Why!
By Joseph Walther


Thank God! It’s finally happened. Albeit by chance, I discovered “the true facts” concerning the war on terror. Since 9/11, I have scoured hundreds of web sites; listened with ruptured intensity to every electronic news outlet that I could find; and read every word of thousands of newspaper and magazine articles. I’ve done all of this with a singularity of purpose: to discover which side has told the truth about the war on terror (AKA the war in Iraq).

According to a few hundred or so rabid, diehard liberals, our own “axis of evil” (George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld) has consistently told one lie after another in the most lowdown, lyin’, and stinkin’ ways. On the other hand, a few hundred or so rabid, diehard conservatives have consistently referred to the war opponents as snivelin’, yellow-bellied, and traitorous momma’s boys. Trying to figure out who’s been telling the truth has been hard to do because the majority of Americans won’t say anything until November of 2006.

Well, folks, the cat’s out of the bag now. Thanks to Earl and a few of his knowledgeable political strategists, I have the answer. Apparently, Earl and his team meet each Saturday afternoon at Momma Gina’s Pizza Stand in the New Castle Farmers Market located on Rt. 13 in Wilmington, Delaware. Being as incredibly lucky as I am, I stumbled upon this astute group while having a slice of Mamma Gina’s finest.

How many of you remember a political television talk show called the McLaughlin Group, starring loud-mouthed John McLaughlin along with such luminaries as Eleanor Clift, Jack Germond, Morton Kondracke, Fred Barnes, and legal shyster extraordinaire, Larry Parker? Well, Earl and his gang sounded like them, but with some minor contrasting differences, the most notables being the dress code and the fact that Earl and his group used a vocabulary derived exclusively from the Jeff Foxworthy Red Neck Dictionary.

Earl, reminded me of a fifty something version of a Willie Nelson wannabe, only Earl’s grey ponytail reached down to his mid-back area. But, in keeping with a Willie Nelson image, it looked just as dirty and skuzzy. I don’t know if Earl can sing because he didn’t do any singing on Saturday, but he had the same kind of nasally sounding voice as Willie’s, only a lot twangier and he finished every sentence with, “Ya understand what I’m sayin’?”

The other members of Earl’s group consisted of a guy named Jeb (no relation to the one in Florida). Howie, another member and a Barney Fife look-a-like, was every bit as loud but not as funny as Barney. The last two members were Jake, the spitting image of Uncle Jessie on the original Dukes of Hazzard television show, except that Jake sounded like he had about half of Uncle Jessie’s IQ, and Bert, a Boss Hogg clone also from the same original Dukes of Hazzard television show.

I’ll refer to Earl’s gang as the McGoofy Group and there was no doubt that Earl was the star of the show. Jeb, Howie, Jake, and Bert, all appeared to be in a state of rapture as he pontificated ad nauseam; ending each pronouncement with his trademark “Understand what I’m sayin’?” Make no mistake about it; the current crop of Washington Beltway scam artists has failed miserably in fooling the McGoofy Group.

I guess by now that all of you are wondering with indescribable anticipation what Earl and the McGoofy Group had to say about the war on terror. I won’t make you wait any longer.

According to Earl, George Bush, along with his administration’s band of merry men and lady, knew that the attack on the World Trade Center was going to take place two weeks before it happened. That’s right! TWO FULL WEEKS! Furthermore, Earl said. “Been Laiden had nothing to do with it.” Earl continued, “Not only did Been Laiden have nothing to do with it, Chaney is only using him to keep the war goin’! Bush and his crew know that to get the oil, they hafta keep half the American people pissed off and the other half skeerd to death. Ya understand what I’m sayin’?” Bert, Jeb, Howie, and Jake, all nodded while mumbling that they did understand.

Earl stated further that, “economists used to consider $25,000 as middle class in this country. Not any more”, he continued, “now it’s closer to $40,000 and if these A-holes have their way, there won’t be no middle class, just the rich ‘n the poor. Ya understand what I’m sayin’?” The rest of the group nodded that they understood.

I could not contain myself any longer. “Earl”, I said, “Joe Walther here. I am a freelance commentator. I write an Internet Web Column called The True Facts. I handed him one of my business cards. Continuing, “Do you have any proof to back up your claims”, I asked. “Are you sure about those middle class income numbers”, I asked further.

Earl looked at my card and passed it around to his colleagues. Each of them, in turn, read it but Bert seemed confused. So Jake read it to him. This led me to assume that Bert can’t read. “Am I going to be in one of your columns”, Earl asked eagerly.

“Earl, I’m a dedicated commentator in perpetual search for the truth about all things”, I explained. “You can’t expect me to just sit on this kind of bombshell. The entire world, particularly the American people, is screaming for the truth about this stuff. I have a sacred obligation to let them know what I’ve discovered! Ya understand what I’m sayin’, Earl?” Earl nodded in agreement and said, “Just look at what’s going on in Washington. You gotta be a idiot to disagree with my theory.”

I told Earl that I see it all clearly now and that I had one additional request. “See if you can find out if there is any truth to Reverend Pat Robinson’s claim that God caused Ariel Sharon’s stroke. The good preacher seems to think that the Israeli Prime Minister pissed Him off by divvying up the West Bank among the Palestinians.” I told him that we, all of us, would be so grateful if he could clarify this.

I have to admit right up front here that my first impulse was to blame the stroke on the usual suspects of weight, age and stress. But, If I’m wrong, let me quote the late Chief Thunderthud of Howdy Doody fame. “Kowabunga!”

Folks, just think of the implications if Robertson is right about this. I don’t know about any of you, but I’m getting my ass into the first church I come to. “Hail Mary, full of grapes… Ya understand what I sayin’?”

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com