Don't look now but the tent's gone!

Someone Has Stolen Our Tent!
By Joseph Walther

Last week I wrote about Meme Theory (pronounced MEAM) as it applies to the group dynamics of corporations. Recall that, based on my lifelong dedication to watching stuff happen, I modified the original theory. According to Richard Dawkins, the discoverer of Meme Theory, memes are like genes. Nature copies them and permits them to mutate. The useful ones survive and multiply while the useless ones vanish.

It’s the vanishing part that I find troubling. Useless memes do not vanish. True, the private sector discards some memes as useless; the public sector entities of government and academia always find them and reintroduce them to an unsuspecting society as the latest divine revelation. Government, at all levels, continually raises our taxes in order to finance increasing volumes of nonsense. Academia (motto: Advancing conceptual stupidity through exorbitantly priced workshops and seminars) does its part, too.

It’s a fundamental life truth that government could not be as inefficient as it is without the use of committees. This is a sad commentary, but its application pales in comparison to the world of secondary and post-secondary academia. Without committees and meetings to attend, academic administrators have nothing to do. Committees are undoubtedly the very lifeblood of academic administration. However, the mother lode of all memes is committee procedure.

Geneticists the world over know that adenosine, quinine, thymine, and cytosine are the building blocks of DNA. Sociologists and behavioral psychologists, on the other hand, know that agendas, quorums, proposals, amendments, new business, old business, going forward proclamations, and motions for adjournment comprise the foundation for the meme of committee procedure. And, the level of political viciousness is always an inverse relationship to what’s at stake. Based on my latest copy of Snotty People in Academia, there is a perceived pecking order of institutions. It places the self-absorbed Ivy Leagues at the pinnacle while the lowliest of local community colleges falls at the bottom. However, the farther down the perceived pecking order, the more pompous an administrator’s behavior, especially that of senior administrators.

In fact, looking at the committee structures at the community college level, every committee ever formed knows its collective mission: arriving at a conclusion preconceived by the senior administrative authority that created it. Since the administrative authority won’t actually spell out what it wants, it makes sure that every committee is comprised of a sufficient number of gullible members combined with the right number of “wink-wink” members who know exactly what senior administration wants. The “wink-winkers’, all administrative wannabee types, will always ensure the proper outcome. These members know that senior administration is not interested in upsetting the status quo. The essence of their mission is to make sure that nothing too upsetting happens.

Essentially, these “in-the-know” committee members make sure that potential “problems” do no blindside senior administrators, from the president down through the vice presidential level, and make them look “stupid.” They keep the process moving in the “right” direction in several ways; always making sure that process trumps substance. The committee chair, who’s always “in-the-know,” never hesitates to sacrifice efficiency for the sake of internal consistency. These “winkers” know that nothing disguises inept problem solving like numerous, mindless meetings that rehash the same things ad infinitum. In fact, they make sure that the meetings evolve into becoming more important than the original problems.

Sooner or later, but not too soon nor too late, the committee has to form a conclusion and produce a report. The conclusions have to look sincere and the report must have a very high pomposity index. Thus, all committee conclusions and reports must adhere to the long-standing principle that baffling people with bullshit is infinitely preferable to dazzling them with brilliance. This is especially soothing to senior administrators.

The committee chair, always an adept “wink-winker,” will write the report using passive voice, an ideal tool for projecting more intellect than actually exists. And it will always be loaded with academic jargon and positive buzzwords: “going forward”, “my reality mirrors your reality, “paradigm shift”, “enabler”, “empowerment”, replacing the term problems with challenges, along with a myriad of other smoke-screen phrases, aimed at achieving the highest caliber of baffling bullshit.

The primary goal of the report is to project existing culture forward, no matter the cost. The fact that the existing culture is self-serving, inept, and detrimental to everyone but senior administrators is a non-issue. And, let’s not ignore an implied side benefit for those “wink-wink” committee members: the accumulation of brownie points to assure their eventual promotions to senior administration. New faces and minds full of fresh, potentially revolutionary new ideas are a no-no for these kinds of institutions.

I don’t want you to get the wrong impression. I’m not saying that people have to be “wink-wink” committee members in order to climb up the administrative ladder. If you are not a team player type, you can still make it. Just get yourself elected to an important state office, such as a state representative or state senator. Make sure that you excel by whatever means is the most convenient once elected; and then get yourself appointed to powerful political committees, such as bond bill or joint finance. This puts you into the enviable position of being able to cause “them” more trouble that “they” can cause for you. If you can do this, even if you’re dumber than a rock, you will succeed in academic administration, especially at a community college level. Hell, this is a primary purpose for the “acting” designation.

I need you to understand that academic institutions generally employ three types of personnel: administrators from junior to senior levels, credentialed faculty, and common sense oriented support staff. Each level has a different approach to day-to-day thinking. Let me use a fictitious scenario to demonstrate the point.

Imagine that you and a friend have decided to camp out on a hillside for a couple of nights. The two of you pitch a two-person tent beneath a beautiful dark sky illuminated by a full moon and surrounded by millions of stars as far as your eyes can see. Once inside the tent, lying on your backs, you each pull your blanket up to your chin and fall dead asleep. For some reason, you both awake about 3 AM. Your collective eyes behold a dark sky speckled with an untold number of stars, sparkling like a million little dots of light. What you deduce from this marvelous spectacle of nature will depend on whether you are an administrator, credentialed faculty, or common sense oriented support staff.

If you are an administrator or an administrator wannabee, the majestic nature of what you see will astound you. “Wow”, you might exclaim, “I guess George Bush was right. The jury is indeed still out on evolution!” You will wonder how all of those stars got there. You may also wonder what keeps them from falling on you. It is truly a sight to behold and you will undoubtedly contemplate Creationism or Intelligent Design. Thoughts of an omniscient, all-powerful and ever-present Being may permeate your thinking as you contemplate the wondrous nature of it all. You will definitely make a point of exploring these feeling in more depth. You won’t be able to wait until you get back to campus to enlighten your staff.

If you are a faculty member, you’re probably going to be upset that you have awakened before daylight. You have an early morning class and you need your sleep. “Oh, crap!” you mumble to each other and contemplate going back to sleep. The wondrous thoughts I ascribed to the administrators are simply below your dignity. You consider yourselves “boat rowers” and have little time for thinking such thoughts. Besides, you’re pissed over the fact that you have no faculty titles. You’re experts in your respective fields. You just want the administration to leave you alone and let you teach your classes in peace. But, you’re not too groggy or angry to understand that you will be able to make millions in consulting fees that the administrators will gladly pay you to develop workshops to help them understand what they’ve seen. You make a mental note to start developing some in the morning and go back to sleep.

Finally, members of the support staff: secretaries, administrative assistants, clerks, technical support, security guards, etc, are going to be upset over what they see. They’ll recognize the problem immediately. “Some lowlife has stolen the tent!” they’re likely to conclude. These people can think the same “deep” thoughts as administrators, but they are too practical to let themselves do it. They have known all along that most administrators are mindless airheads. Knowing that they need their jobs and not likely to take anything administrators do or say too seriously, they take the practical approach not to rock the boat. The Institution hired them to do a job. They just want to be left alone long enough to do it. “Leave us the hell alone long enough to do it’ they’ll continue to say. The faculty members can think of themselves as boat rowers all they want, but these folks know in their collective heart of hearts that they are not only the boat rowers, but the water bailers, too.

I guess that the real rub is this. Resentment doesn’t stem from the idea that senior administrators indulge themselves in childish, stupid, and ass saving games much of the time. It stems from the idea, as often projected by senior administrators, that everyone else is too stupid to realize what’s going on. This is what really upsets people to a point of numbness.

Senior administrators, why not stop all of the phony nonsense. Stop forming all of those rubber-stamp committees and simply issue directives. This way, everyone knows the score and can just hang on until retirement. Besides, the money you’ll save will permit you to hire enough lawyers to keep your actions just as obfuscated as before.

A large number of people read this column each week. I know this from the stats my web host provides. This particular column will generate more emails than I can read in a month. Most of the writers, from coast to coast and everywhere in between, will tell me that I have described their particular organizations to a tee. I’m glad. I want you to know that my purpose for existence is to help people. Well, that and stirring the pot as much as I can!

Have a great week. There will be a column next Sunday. I will never take a day off as long as I know there is an opportunity to… to… um… well, I’m not quite sure, but whatever it is, I enjoy doing it as much as I can.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com