How about that weasel poop?

You Drink What?
By Joseph Walther


How many of you have ever heard of a palm civet? Here’s a picture. Looks a bit like a weasel, but it’s really a marsupial. For those of you, especially the coffee drinkers, with more money than common sense, palm civets should be special creatures. I’ll tell you why in just a little bit.

According to a Financial Times of London report in 2004, approximately 167.1 million Americans drink coffee and 40% of them drink it black. Currently, we Yanks average 1.64 cups a day, which is a significant reduction from the 3.12 cups per day that we drank back in 1962. The reason for the decrease, I presume, is all of the scary reports about caffeine consumption that come out of the United States Bureau of Undo Alarm.

I consume 3 to 5 cups of coffee per day and that’s between the hours of 9:30 PM and 1:30 AM, seven days a week. Don’t worry; I’m not bucking the trend referred to above. You see, during my late 30s, I used to drink 2 to 3 pots a day beginning about 7 PM and ending around 2 AM. It was the good old-fashioned caffeinated high-test stuff, too.

The reason for my cutback in consumption stemmed from a minor respiratory problem about twenty-five years ago, i.e., I couldn’t breathe. Of course, I drove myself to the emergency room as best I could (my wife couldn’t because she was watching Dallas).

Anyway, the doctors in the emergency room asked me about 15,000 (though it might have been only 14,000) questions about what I had been doing at the time of the attack. They wanted to know what I had eaten, about my drinking habits, and any other habits that may have had a role in the problem at hand. None of my answers was correct, however, because they still had no idea of what was causing the problem.

They did know that I was having breathing problems, though. I heard them talking about it and I think the blue lips and elevated heart rate of 340 tipped them off. Not much gets past emergency room doctors, you know. I just wanted them to let me die. If nothing else, it would have ended the angst from not being able to breathe! But oh noooo, they just wanted to probe, probe, probe, and probe some more. “Relax”, they said.

Finally, one of the doctors said to give me a shot of (something) to slow everything down. About 30-seconds after the shot of whatever, my heart rate began to drop towards the normal range. A minute or two later, I was the mellowest dude on the face of the earth. I told them that I was ready for a cup of coffee.

Suddenly, a bright light engulfed the doctor. He and the intense light became one. The light, mesmerizing and powerful, immersed the entire room in its brightness. I swear that I heard a thunderbolt and then the words. “How much coffee do you drink, Joe?” I said, “a lot.” The light grew in intensity, only this time I saw its eyes turn crimson red and multiple lightning-like bolts shot towards me. There was another, even louder thunderbolt followed by, a deep, authoritative voice that seemed to echo throughout the entire hospital, “how much is a lot, Joe?”

“About a pot a day”, I said as quietly as I could. Then came the loudest thunderbolt I’ve ever heard. The light swelled to an all-encompassing intensity as it morphed into a facial expression contorted by anger of the worst degree. The eyes were bloodshot-red and seethed with contempt. The last time I had seen such enraged eyes was back in fifth grade when I asked Sister Leticia why nuns wore habits that made them look like penguins. This time, however there was so much more contempt. As the lightning bolts hit my chest, a penetrating voice oozing with self-righteous indignation asked, “HOW MANY CUPS, JOE?” Shielding my eyes from the brightness and cringing in absolute fear, I mumbled, “about nine.”

The ground began to vibrate; objects throughout the emergency room began to move. The windows rattled and people tried to keep themselves from falling. The light’s intensity reached the divine stage. The eyes narrowed as blood shot forth and a deeply guttural voice full of condescension hissed, “WHAT? HOW MANY CUPS? DID YOU SAY NINE?”

With a single glare, the light condemned me to 20-minute purgatory of listening to a lecture on the evils of too much caffeine. According to the light, excess caffeine causes kidneys to explode, livers to disintegrate, blindness, high blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks, ingrown toenails, weight gain, weight loss, the disintegration of joints, nightmares, insomnia, homosexuality (unless you’re already homosexual, then it causes heterosexuality), increased divorce rates, impotency in men, vaginal dryness, communism, socialism, bipolar disorder, narcissism, male baldness, female infertility, cancer, shingles, venereal disease, and morning sickness. The doctor told me never to drink caffeine again.

I stopped drinking anything with caffeine. I refrained from drinking caffeinated drinks until about 5-years ago, when I began to have a few problems similar to those of 25-years ago. They were, however, not as severe this time.

This time, thanks to the expansion of medical school curricula, the doctor came up with a new and improved diagnosis. I was suffering from Depression Disorder. This is not to be confused with anxiety attacks, which were popular as far back as 40-years ago. Anxiety attacks were in the “mind” and only a $180 an hour shrink could help. Depression Disorder, on the other hand, is physical.

It seems that the brain posses chemical neurotransmitters. These chemicals permit nerve cells to communicate. The current fall guy is serotonin. If this guy becomes unbalanced, look out. Apparently, nerve cells pass serotonin on to each other. Sometimes, the sending nerve cell reabsorbs some of the serotonin. This is when all hell breaks loose. The nerve cells hate it when this happens.

Technically, the serotoninergic system modulates mood, emotion, sleep and appetite and thus, we suspect excess serotonin in the control of numerous behavioral and physiological functions. Further, we suspect that decreased serotoninergic neurotransmission plays a key role in the aetiology of depression.

In plain English this means that, the brain cells become confused and release the adrenalin guys, causing the heart rate to increase rapidly. You feel afraid, only you have no idea what you’re afraid of. In the meantime, some nerve cells in the brain attempt to calm things down by communicating with other nerve cells by transferring some serotonin to them. The receiving cells, already full of leftover serotonin from the last time, say no thanks and the return it to the sending cells. This rejection makes life begin to suck big time and getting out of bed begins to seem so futile.

So, instead of lying on a shrink’s couch trying to figure out why you hate your family, you take a pill. Not just any pill works, however. It has to be selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor. In other words, it has to be an expensive pill that only a doctor can prescribe. I know you’ve heard the commercials.

They instruct you to ask your doctor if Feelgoodinall is right for you. You then see all sorts of people laughing and wild with glee because of taking Feelgoodinall. Unfortunately there are some minor side effects.

For some people, taking Feelgoodinall causes kidneys to explode, livers to disintegrate, blindness, high blood pressure, strokes, heart attacks, ingrown toenails, weight gain, weight loss, the disintegration of joints, nightmares, insomnia, homosexuality (unless you’re already homosexual, then it causes heterosexuality), increased divorce rates, impotency in men, vaginal dryness, communism, socialism, bipolar disorder, narcissism, male baldness, female infertility, cancer, shingles, venereal disease, and morning sickness. In fact, pregnant women should not be reading this at all.

The point is that after all of those years without the pleasure of caffeine, I learned that I was just another medical oops. I was free to imbibe again.

Now, let me get back to that weasel look alike, the palm civet, aka luwak. The luwak lives in Indonesia and eats coffee berries. What is another name for coffee berries? That’s correct, coffee beans. The palm civet or luwak eats the berries/beans and excretes them intact. The Indonesians figured out that many Americans with lots of money would buy and consume anything as long as it is expensive.

You’ve probably guessed it by now. They are processing weasel poop and naming it Kopi Luwak, coffee that sells for $300 a pound. The thing is that some of us are buying this stuff. Maxwell House and Folgers had better watch out.

Gimme another Paxil, for God’s sake. Tomorrow, I’m going out and buy larger sized underwear just to be prepared for my next diagnosis.

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com