Vaporize the SOB!

Talk About Brain Dead People
By Joseph Walther


I’ve had it! That’s right. My patience has completely evaporated with respect to brain dead people in general and stupid drivers in particular. The former category consists of lawyers, judges, politicians, school administrators, and political talk radio hosts. The latter category consist of people who drive in a trance-like state making life both dangerous and inconvenient for the rest us sane people.

Medical science has defined brain death as a consistently flat EEG. They issue death certificates based on this. I think they should reconsider this position. Just because there is no apparent brain wave activity, does not necessarily mean death. Millions of people go on to pester the hell out of us long after their brains have ceased functioning.

Space does not permit me to show you all of my research. However, here in good old Delaware, we can find several examples of people whose EEGs went flat years ago. We don’t have to look very far to find an ample number of national examples, either.

Delawareans, look at our governor. Has she let a flat EEG stop her? No! She can open her eyes, walk, talk, breathe on her own, and even eat unaided. Thinking, however, is just not her cup of tea. This is why she has announced that she will quickly appoint an Attorney General as soon as she figures out what an Attorney General does.

The State Prison Administration botched an execution a couple of weeks ago. Who knows about it? Everyone in the country not currently brain dead. That’s who. Worse, people throughout the country are beginning to snicker about it.

Nationally, FOX TV’s Bill O’Reilly has renamed torture as “extreme interrogation.” The stupid thing about all of this is this. Torture is torture. All sides in a war do it and have always done it. Everyone knows it. America, however, has always opted to ride the white horse, wear the white cowboy hat, and claim the moral high ground. Doing this becomes an embarrassing problem, though, especially when preserving our way of life demands that we absolutely, positively, must have certain information. We end up looking silly and phony to the rest of the world. The entire world understands what’s going on except for our brain dead leaders.

On the legal front, people do outrageously stupid things resulting in personal injurious consequences. Do a Google search on the Stella Awards. This is a web site dedicated to debunking the myth of brain death. The site is loaded with unassailable proof. A person breaks into a home to steal the owners’ valuables. It’s dark in the home and the would-be thief falls down the basement steps and breaks his leg. The police arrive in answer to a silent alarm and arrest the perpetrator. The thief then sues the owners for negligence because they left the basement door open.

Far be it from me to call the thief brain dead. He’s not. He’s merely retarded. However, the lawyer who took the case IS brain dead. The judge who decided that the case had arguable merit and let it go forward is also brain dead, as are the members of the jury who awarded the plaintiff damages. And let’s not forget to include the appellate judge who upheld the original award. These people are brain dead, yet no medical authority has signed a death certificate.

Let me talk about stupid drivers to wrap this up. Just this past Wednesday, I was driving on I-95. The speed limit where I was driving is 55-MPH. Lest I forget, people in the east refer to Delaware as an east coast speed bump. This is why. Anyway, I going about 75-MPH in the left hand lane. A car pulls along side of me to my right. The driver was a woman who appeared to be in her 50s. She was applying makeup! The woman is brain dead. She scared me so bad that I dropped my newspaper and cell phone simultaneously. The cell phone hit the cup of coffee between my legs, splashing it between my legs and severely scalding big Jim and the twins. All I can smell when I enter the car now is spilled coffee and the stains left by the ruined Egg McMuffin on the front seat. I may have to burn the car.

How many of you folks have pulled up behind another vehicle stopped at a traffic light. The front driver is signaling a right-hand turn but won’t go because there is a sign that reads, “No turn on” with a red arrow pointing to the right. That’s right, we have to sit there because this idiot thinks that the sign prohibits a right turn on a red light. The front driver is not brain dead, just retarded. The folks who designed the sign are BRAIN DEAD!

People drive along our roads with no idea that there are others sharing the roads. They make lane changes without warning. They swerve all over the place, adjusting radio dials and talking on cell phones. You can see them talking to themselves at red lights. In some cases, they seem to be yelling at themselves. These are all indications of brain death and we need to protect ourselves.

All road vehicles should have two kinds of firing devices mounted on the hood. The first should be a vaporizing laser gun. As you drive along a freeway and approach some driver meandering along at some lazy-assed slow pace of 70 or 75-MPH, hit the trigger. Poof! All that’s left is a small, rising puff of steam. The same fate applies to the people who refuse to turn right on a red light because they can’t tell the difference between a red light symbol and a red arrow symbol. Poof! A small, rising puff of steam and problem solved.

The second firing device should have the capability of silently shooting small, variously colored rubber pellets that stick harmlessly to the exterior of today’s automobile. The federal government would have to standardize the color-coding and enforce it in every state. We’d all know what the various colors represent. Obviously, the pellets shouldn’t cause any damage to the vehicle. In fact, drivers wouldn’t even notice the pellets until they get out of their vehicles.

You see someone making a lane change without signaling and you fire a small red pellet that sticks to the trunk of the offending vehicle. If you see someone looking down, obviously tuning a radio or inserting a CD, you fire a blue pellet. Talking on cell phone gets a green pellet. Talking to oneself gets a yellow pellet and actually yelling at oneself gets a bright orange pellet. Grooming oneself gets a hot-pink pellet.

True, the pellets are not as harsh and final as the vaporizing laser beam. This is because vaporizing people should be restricted to just the most flagrantly irritating conduct: going too slowly and obstructing traffic. However, the colored pellets could be very effective.

Just image yourself getting out of you automobile in your driveway only to discover hundreds of red, blue, green, orange, hot-pink, metallic black pellets all over your car’s trunk. You’d know at a glance that someone had observed you doing something stupid. Oh, yes, I forgot to explain what the metallic black pellet represents. I’ll bet your curiosity is just killing you, isn’t it? Well, it could be embarrassing because the metallic black pellets are for those who pick their nose at varying stages of driving.

Have a great Thanksgiving. Stay safe and watch out for those colored dots, especially the metallic black ones.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com