Watch out for that f*$%*!g galaxy!

Just What We Need: More Bad News
By Joseph Walther

Folks, I have to tell you that we have big problems coming our way; problems that will make Iraq, Iranian nukes, Afghanistan, the Palestinian/Israeli conflict, and this entire Christian/Islam/Infidel thing seem like child’s play. In fact, I have had difficulty sleeping since I found out about it this past Friday. This one is so bad that I wasn’t even going to tell you about it. “Gee”, I thought, “why should I subject my readers to this kind of ungodly angst?” However, this morning I said to myself, “What the hell? If I can’t sleep, why should any of you?”

Before I get into the details, though, let me say a few words in defense of George W. Bush. He’s not really a bad guy. While his detractors claim that his heart is in his ass, let me tell you that this is not true. His heart is where it should be. It’s his head that’s up his ass.

Let’s face it. George Bush’s poll numbers look bad, with a little over seven people in every ten thinking that he has become somewhat… in the interest of kindness… unswift. The guy has raised the bar on the art of making monumental misunderestimations. But, in fairness to him, there are some convincing mitigating circumstances.

First, he’s a former town drunk. True, and to his credit, he overcame this demon. Unfortunately, excessive alcohol consumption, as my wife constantly reminded me in my younger days (I drank beer by the case in my twenties.), kills brain cells. Need I say more? He had already lost a considerable number of brain cells before he entered politics. It certainly explains his obsession with “believing” to the total exclusion of “thinking.”

Second, he has failed miserably at everything he has tried except for politics. He has always been a successful politician. Fortunately, for him, a full compliment of working brain cells has never been a prerequisite to success in the political arena. Thanks to the unbridled turnout enthusiasm that we Americans show during election years, all he had to do was find a way to fool about 23% of the people most of the time. With his family’s wealth, he has always had the finances to pay people to do this.

Finally, and there is no kind way to put this, George is a linguistic failure. To date, there are an estimated 3,000 Bushisms in publication throughout the United States alone. The man has become the patron saint of idiots.

But, we have no time to worry about this. As I said earlier, we have colossal problems on the way thanks to a few mammoth scientific miscalculations. We have been complaining, for years, about the touchy feely sloppy approach our public schools apply to math in this country. Well apparently, our astronomers and cosmologists haven’t been all that precise either.

As you probably know, Earth is part of the Milky Way Galaxy. The Andromeda Galaxy is our nearest neighbor at 2.2 light-years as the crow flies. We have known for some time, now, that these two galaxies are moving toward each other. None of these things, taken individually, is a big deal, not even the “moving toward each other” part. But, once we look at the arithmetic involved, the combined significance of these facts reveals devastating news. Thanks a lot Carl Sagan!

I’m sure that you all remember me telling you about Herb, the alien, a few months ago. Well, he’s back. This time, he brought his slide rule with him.

The Andromeda Galaxy, according to Herb’s calculations is only 2.189507641097 light-years from us instead of the 2.2 light-years so sloppily calculated by many of our public school educated scientists. It is also moving toward the Milky Way Galaxy at 152,100 MPH instead of 150,000 MPH reported by our brain-cell challenged (too much beer, perhaps) astronomers. Are you ready for more bad news?

Thanks to Newton, (the ancient scientist, not Newton the mouse from the old Willy the Worm Cartoon show of the mid to late ‘50s) the two galaxies are moving toward each other. And, since there are no opposing forces, the actual speed involved is a hauling-ass 304,200 MPH instead of a funereal 300,000 MPH as reported by our drool-generating science guys, all of whom it seems, graduated from Bert’s College of Cosmology and Shoe Repair.

That’s right; we are on a collision course with Andromeda and, worse, instead of the collision occurring sometime during the year 6897, it’s going to happen in 6848. The precise date, according to my calculations (I went to Catholic school), is July 6, 6848 at 10 A.M. Of course, I could be off by a plus or minus 30-minutes on the time.

I am not trying to panic you folks. I’m just interested in making sure that you all have enough advanced warning to take precautions. Personally, I’m on my way to the grocery store to stock up on coffee and toilet paper. Then I’m on to the liquor store to stock up on beer.

I have been trying desperately to contact Homeland Security, but it seems hopeless. George Bush is too busy “believing”. Dick Cheney is apparently listening, though. I just learned that Congress has awarded Halliburton a no-bid contract to clean things up in the event of some possible galactic collision activity.

In light of this, I can’t believe that we’ve all been cringing at the thought of Iran building nuclear weapons.

See you all next week. Of course, with the Milky Way/Andromeda impending collision date vacillating the way it has over the past couple of days, things could change. For God’s sake, I hope the grocery stores have the good sense to order extra shipments of toilet paper. The liquor stores should take heed, too. Don’t run out of beer!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.