Oops! What happened?

And The Winner Is…
By Joseph Walther


I guess by now you’ve all heard that Hamas, a Palestinian terrorist organization, won a majority in the latest parliamentary elections. The group, at last count, had won between 70 and 80 seats in a 132-seat parliament. Oh, and did I mention that Hamas’s long-standby primary goal has been the total destruction of Israel and its entire population? I didn’t? Well, silly me.

I’m not going to get into a long-winded analysis as to what is going on in the Middle East. I’m not at all qualified to do so. Besides, the slightly more qualified and definitely overpaid analysts on FOX News, CNN, MSNBC, and others, do this ad nauseam and infinitum. Moreover, we must never forget the audio contributions of Rush Limbaugh, Sean Hannity, Al Franken, and Bill O’Reilly, intrepid windbags… all of them, although, in Franken’s defense, he can be funny.

The conflicts among the Islamists, Arabs, Palestinians, Israelis, and others in and around the ancient deserts of Babylon have been going on for centuries. These conflicts began even before Strom Thurman was born and well before Mercurochrome became a wonder drug. They are not going to end any time soon, no matter what the United States does.

I served two combat tours in Viet Nam. Like most other ordinary military combatants, I learned a great deal about the people we were supposed to be helping. One of the primary things I learned was that average Vietnamese citizens, north or south, didn’t care one hoot who ran their country. They wanted to be secure, left the hell alone to live their lives and farm their lands. Whichever governmental form and/or group provided this the best was fine.

An insurgency didn’t defeat us in Viet Nam. By the time we pulled out, we had won that battle thumbs down. However, after twelve plus years of lying presidents, partisan representatives and senators, biased news reports, and a killed in action list that exceeded 69,000 men and women, the American voting public wanted it OVER and so, it was.

There is not a whole lot that is different about the people in the Middle East. Once you weave down below the powercrats and the accompanying corruption, you reach the “you and I” types. This larger than life group wants to live their lives in peace and dignity. They want security and peace for themselves and their families and to worship whatever God, if any, in whatever way they wish.

Every society has its “silent majority”, whether it’s the United States of America, the Israelis, Palestinians, or Arabs. When the members of these “silent majorities” get pissed off over the status quo, they shake things up. Fatah, other than achieving flagrant corruption, accomplished nothing for ten years and the “silent majority” threw the bums out.

According to Jimmy Carter, the best former president in the history of the United States in my opinion, the Palestinian elections were “completely honest, completely fair, completely safe and without violence.” Mr. Carter was there as the leader of The International Democratic Institute. Senator Joseph R. Biden, independent of Mr. Carter’s group, was also there and echoed the same sentiments.

This is an example of how ineffective the George Bush theory on democracy can be. It also points up the weaknesses inherent when thinking is not your long coat. George, by his own admission after all, is a believer not a thinker. His belief is wrong because he bases it on a flawed assumption, that everyone’s definition of democracy is the same as ours. It is not.

George Bush is going to have to start thinking first and then believing. I’ll bet you that if the same open elective process were to take place in Egypt and Saudi Arabia in the near future, the results would be similarly horrendous for the United States.

I love my freedom and the benefits of Western Democracy. I love it so much that I would fight to the death destroying any enemy who attempted to take it away from me. However, I think it is futile, at best, trying to shove it down another country’s collective throat at gunpoint. This is especially true in regions of the world where religious dogma trumps human rights and dignity, no matter how much oil is there.

I am not all that comfortable writing about global politics. I prefer to keep it light and as humorous as possible, including satirically skewering idiots. Unfortunately, there isn’t anything to laugh about over religiously militant leaders advocating killing others over who has the best imaginary friend.

See you next week. The McGoofy Group met again last Saturday at Mama Gina’s Pizza stand. This time they featured guest appearances by Larry, his brother Darryl and his other brother Darryl. This was SOME meeting!

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com

Bush Can't Swim!

It’s All Over the News!
By Joseph Walther


Seated at a table next to me in a local Barnes and Noble Café were two men. One of them had a copy of the New York Times and they were discussing George Bush, our current president. These two were well groomed, articulate, and educated; the very antithesis of the McGoofy Group mentality I wrote about a couple of weeks ago. My guess is that both are comfortably retired.

I didn’t try to talk to either of these people. When folks have made up their minds and do not want to be confused with facts, attempts at reasonable debate are pointless. All of you parents out there with teenagers know exactly what I mean.

More so with this president than with any other in my lifetime, there seems to be no middle ground. People come down on one of two sides: he’s scum or he’s a saint. Trust me on this; we can safely put both of these men in the scum column. They leveled one accusation after another at Mr. Bush, backing each one of the accusations with news accounts in the New York Times.

I didn’t hear them say it but I’ll bet anything that they eventually blamed him for last week’s Indianapolis Colts’ loss.

This is not a column in support of George Bush. Neither is it one aimed at condemning him. I don’t think George Bush has been a good president. I voted for him the first time because I was terrified of being bored to death, with the likes of Al and Tipper Gore, not to mention a fear of losing my right to listen to dirty music lyrics. I voted for him the second time because we were in the middle of a nasty conflict and I thought he’d be more reliable in getting the country through it then his opponent, who seemed to have based his political positions on the poll du jour.

Mr. Bush, at least for me, has proven to be a disappointment relative to fiscal conservatism. He’s expanded the size of the Federal Government instead of reducing it. He based his decision to go into Iraq on bad advice; and worse, I believe that his stubborn refusal to admit some serious underestimations has caused the loss of more lives than should have been necessary.

People who know him directly have never accused him of paralysis by analysis because he isn’t real big on analysis. He’s admitted as much. He relies on his “gut” instinct. Reaction based on gut feeling is ok as far as it goes, but too much of it leads to Barney Fife Syndrome, or put another way, a “ready, fire, aim” mentality that makes a person look quite silly. Adding insult to injury, his propensity for emitting his world renowned Bushisms, has made him an endless joke supply for comedians all over the globe. In my opinion, all of this makes him a lousy president, not an immoral, power hungry despot in search of his own kingdom.

I also know for a fact that he had nothing to do with the Colts’ NFL divisional playoff loss. Dick Cheney caused that loss, as reported in both the New York Times and Washington Post. It was also reported on CNN and, as anyone with more than two brain cells knows, if CNN says it, it’s true!

Back in the day, the New York Times was the de facto guardian of news reporting. If you read it in the Times, it was fact. If the Times had not reported a story, it did not make it to the mainstream TV news programs because all of their news came from the Times Wire Service The Times had a well-deserved reputation for unbiased, “just the facts, ma’am” reporting. Even though much of it was liberal, opinion and commentary were restricted to the Op-ed pages where they belonged. Newsroom editors and Op-ed editors did not intermingle. In fact, the paper’s publisher forbade such fraternization.

Somewhere along the line, this ceased to be the case. The Times still adheres to the inverted pyramid style of reporting and it still answers the questions of who, what, when, where, why, and how. However, nowadays, the New York Times manipulates these questions to support positions taken by its Op-ed editors, which are mostly liberal and in many cases full of deliberate distortions.

There is a joke that appears from time-to-time over the internet. It goes like this.

Pope John Paul was visiting George Bush in Washington, D. C. and the President took him out for a cruise along the Potomac on the presidential yacht. A strong gust of wind suddenly blew he Pope’s white hat off and across the water a good 200 feet from the yacht. The yacht’s crew began to launch a boat to retrieve the hat, but Mr. Bush waved them off. He then climbed over the rail of the yacht and onto the surface of the water. He walked across the surface, retrieved the hat, walked back to the yacht, climbed back aboard and handed the Pope his hat. This feat stunned everyone, including the Pope. No one, not even a Times reporter accompanying the entourage, could believe what they had just witnessed.

The next morning, the New York Times reported the story on its front page, complete with photos. The big, two inch high headline read, “BUSH CAN’T SWIM.”

What ever happened to the elements of who, what, when, where, why, and how of news reporting? I think the journalism schools are still teaching this stuff. However, the New York Times has modified the lessons. By thoughtfully ordering the questions and shrewdly identifying the particulars, a good reporter can still “tell the truth” AND fully support the OP-ed page position of the Times.

The New York Times has become a master at this. The Times reporters have become experts at arranging the order of the six-question elements to a news story. They do it in a way that always supports the paper’s editorial/commentary stance. At the New York Times, the news is gathered and reported as a means to support a political position instead of reporting unbiased facts, no matter which side of an issue they reflect.

When people complain of a liberal bias to the news, they have more than a cursory point. The New York Times has annual revenue of over three BILLION dollars. Over 650 newspapers across the country subscribe to the Times News Service and it owns 15 regional newspapers. As the news appears in the Times, as well as the context in which it appears, it appears across the nation on thousands of local news stations and in as many local newspapers. How sad for a once great newspaper.

Psst, Bush can’t swim. It’s all over the news! Pass it on! Meet me at Barnes and Nobel for coffee. We’ll talk about it.

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com

You've got mail, Pam

Yes, I Do Get Email
By Joseph Walther

Yes, I get email! I began this endeavor as a means of keeping me off the streets in my retirement years. I wrote a few columns toward the end of 2004, but didn’t start publishing on a weekly basis until January of 2005. The volume of email has grown from an average of 50-125 a week at the beginning to a current average of 800-1,200 a week. If I choose one of the hot button topics—religion, homosexuality, abortion, capital punishment, or evolution—the email volume goes to 3,000-6,200 for that week. When I stick to humor, the email volume remains constant at around 1,850 per week.

The current volume of email makes it impossible for me to respond to all of them. I view all of them, however. I can usually tell within the first sentence of a reply whether it’s worth reading. If I think it is, I save it in a “Read Later” file. I spend about an hour a day, Monday through Saturday working on that file. I respond to at least half of those emails.

For the record, I publish a column in a modified BLOG format; meaning that I do not permit comments to appear as part of the BLOG. I do this to prevent the mindless hissy fitters from taking over the asylum. Readers may comment all they want by sending email to me directly through publisher@thetruefacts.com.

I publish through Blogdrive.com, a fee-charging site. I use a “pay site” because it provides me with invaluable site statistics and a registration database. Those statistics show me a count that has gone from a monthly average of 5,200 hits last year to a weekly average of 66,000 hits currently. About 32% of the hits (around 21,000) are from Delaware. About 10% (around 6,500) are from outside of the United States. The remaining 58% (around 32,000) come from outside of Delaware but within the United States.

I like to share some of the mail with you on occasion. Much of it is sincere and well written, expressing valid opposing viewpoints. Some of it is harmless but absurdly funny. At any rate, here is a small sampling of what I have received AND answered. I don’t include email addresses or full names because lawsuits tend to screw up otherwise great days.

The first one is serious. Jessica wrote quite a long email and she deserves a detailed answer.

Jessica wrote from Kent County, Delaware, “Why do you pick on “public school administrators so much? You seem to come down especially hard on community colleges. I attend a community college and it is a fantastic school.”

This is a fair question, Jessica. First, I’ve always restricted my criticism to SENIOR administrators. Since you live in the Dover, Delaware area, I am going to assume that you attend Delaware Technical and Community College. Delaware Tech is the only community college in Delaware. It’s a fantastic school! Its programs are superior and among the finest in the country. Its faculty consists of well-credentialed, dedicated, student-oriented professionals. The entire support staff is the best.

On the negative side, however, is the fact that a President’s Council, consisting of the College President and his merry band of vice presidents, run Delaware Tech. He has an ego the size of the Grand Canyon coupled with a surplus of arrogance and a matching temper. The rest of the council, with two exceptions, would rather undergo limb amputations without anesthesia than question or disagree with him on anything.

An appointed Board of Trustees sets College Policy and oversees this group. However, he “built” the board using some clever political skills. Consequently, college policy is whatever he decrees. You can bet that only ensconced “team” players, defined as those who blindly endorse his agenda, will make it to the administrative ranks. The result is a perpetuation of the self-absorbed to ensure that people do things the way that “we’ve always done them.”

I don’t question his dedication. He is dedicated, heart and soul, to Delaware Technical and Community College. I also think that tradition is a fine thing to preserve. I even think that it should be a consideration when making management decisions. However, it should have a vote, not a veto. Blind adherence to tradition for its own sake and the perpetual promotion of parroting morons does nothing but stifle the influx of refreshingly energetic new blood and new ideas.

Jessica, I wish you the best as you pursue your goals. You made a great choice with Delaware Tech. It continues to excel precisely because of highly motivated students, outstanding faculty dedicated to high academic standards and the ultimate success of the students, and a fine support staff that considers these as a prime directive.

Delaware Technical and Community College continuously succeeds in its mission despite the present mindset of its senior administration, minus the two members I referred to above.

As for the rest of our public school administrators, did you know that back in the olden times (1960-70) there were only two layers of administrative management between a school principal and the governing school board? Yes, back then school boards hired principals based on real management skills and held them accountable. A school principal could actually hire and fire teachers based on competency and they did not hesitate to do this. The kids learned with virtually no interruption from disciplinary problems.

In other words, a small and effective group of administrative managers oversaw and supported a large group of well-qualified and effective educators. The public school system was effective and valuable. Well, it has changed for the worse!

Today, there are thirty-two layers of administrative management between a school principal and a governing school board. The roles have reversed. The teachers have become slaves to an unmanageable cabal, dedicated to spewing out endless volumes of ineffective bureaucratic nonsense with the sole purpose of perpetuating incompetence.

Today, teachers fear the students. School administrators are afraid of school boards. School boards are afraid of the parents. And, the students are afraid of no one!

Sister Wilma from Arizona wrote, “Statistics indicate that about 74% of the world’s population believes in God and an afterlife. However, if I read your writing correctly, you think that they are all wrong. Don’t you think that constitutes unmitigated arrogance?”

Sister, I cannot find a single column where I said any such thing. I have said several times that I don’t know if there’s a God and/or an afterlife. Certainly, you have to know that either God exists or doesn’t. We call this an absolute. Absolutes are not subject to popular opinions, pro or con. If God exists, it doesn’t matter that 26% of the world’s population disagrees. Conversely, if God does not exist, neither does it matter that 74% of the world’s population disagrees.

I have no problems with what people wish to believe relative to religion. Whatever those beliefs, they remain a matter of faith, not science. This said, I would tell you emphatically that I think that anyone who believes that God created the planet Earth and all of its inhabitants around 10,000 years ago is a moron. Whoever came up with that one had a personal agenda.

The question is whether God created man in His image or did man create God in his image? Regardless, if it’s a case of the latter, it had to be men because no self-respecting woman would put herself into such a ridiculously helpless subservient role. The image of a cantankerous and vindictive bearded old dude floating around the heavens tossing fireballs, floods, and strokes at people who piss Him off does not make sense or seem like the actions of an omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and benevolent Diety.

Conversely, it sounds precisely like what man would do. I’ve met a few of these dudes. In fact, I described one of them a few paragraphs back. Thankfully, he has not mastered the art of tossing fireballs, floods, or strokes at people, but he certainly knows how to vent his rage at security guards when someone unknowingly parks in his assigned parking place. However, he firmly believes that he’s omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and benevolent.

Badbaddude from Florida wrote, “You gotta be some pinko liberal the way you always knock bush and the war in erack. Why don’t you shut the fuck up.”

Well, badbaddude, I am knocking myself out here. But, try as I might, I can’t think of a single word small enough for you to understand. I’ll let it go at that.

Freakymonster (I’m not making this up.) from Georgia wrote, “Do you think it’s possible for a human being to defy gravity through the use of will power alone?”

Freakymonster, do you know the difference between a slim chance of something happening and a fat chance? A slim chance, while not at all encouraging, is slightly better than a fat chance. Fat chance!

I’ll relate more emails in a later column. Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com

Been Laiden didn't have nothin' to do with it!

Because You Pissed Me Off, That’s Why!
By Joseph Walther


Thank God! It’s finally happened. Albeit by chance, I discovered “the true facts” concerning the war on terror. Since 9/11, I have scoured hundreds of web sites; listened with ruptured intensity to every electronic news outlet that I could find; and read every word of thousands of newspaper and magazine articles. I’ve done all of this with a singularity of purpose: to discover which side has told the truth about the war on terror (AKA the war in Iraq).

According to a few hundred or so rabid, diehard liberals, our own “axis of evil” (George Bush, Dick Cheney, and Donald Rumsfeld) has consistently told one lie after another in the most lowdown, lyin’, and stinkin’ ways. On the other hand, a few hundred or so rabid, diehard conservatives have consistently referred to the war opponents as snivelin’, yellow-bellied, and traitorous momma’s boys. Trying to figure out who’s been telling the truth has been hard to do because the majority of Americans won’t say anything until November of 2006.

Well, folks, the cat’s out of the bag now. Thanks to Earl and a few of his knowledgeable political strategists, I have the answer. Apparently, Earl and his team meet each Saturday afternoon at Momma Gina’s Pizza Stand in the New Castle Farmers Market located on Rt. 13 in Wilmington, Delaware. Being as incredibly lucky as I am, I stumbled upon this astute group while having a slice of Mamma Gina’s finest.

How many of you remember a political television talk show called the McLaughlin Group, starring loud-mouthed John McLaughlin along with such luminaries as Eleanor Clift, Jack Germond, Morton Kondracke, Fred Barnes, and legal shyster extraordinaire, Larry Parker? Well, Earl and his gang sounded like them, but with some minor contrasting differences, the most notables being the dress code and the fact that Earl and his group used a vocabulary derived exclusively from the Jeff Foxworthy Red Neck Dictionary.

Earl, reminded me of a fifty something version of a Willie Nelson wannabe, only Earl’s grey ponytail reached down to his mid-back area. But, in keeping with a Willie Nelson image, it looked just as dirty and skuzzy. I don’t know if Earl can sing because he didn’t do any singing on Saturday, but he had the same kind of nasally sounding voice as Willie’s, only a lot twangier and he finished every sentence with, “Ya understand what I’m sayin’?”

The other members of Earl’s group consisted of a guy named Jeb (no relation to the one in Florida). Howie, another member and a Barney Fife look-a-like, was every bit as loud but not as funny as Barney. The last two members were Jake, the spitting image of Uncle Jessie on the original Dukes of Hazzard television show, except that Jake sounded like he had about half of Uncle Jessie’s IQ, and Bert, a Boss Hogg clone also from the same original Dukes of Hazzard television show.

I’ll refer to Earl’s gang as the McGoofy Group and there was no doubt that Earl was the star of the show. Jeb, Howie, Jake, and Bert, all appeared to be in a state of rapture as he pontificated ad nauseam; ending each pronouncement with his trademark “Understand what I’m sayin’?” Make no mistake about it; the current crop of Washington Beltway scam artists has failed miserably in fooling the McGoofy Group.

I guess by now that all of you are wondering with indescribable anticipation what Earl and the McGoofy Group had to say about the war on terror. I won’t make you wait any longer.

According to Earl, George Bush, along with his administration’s band of merry men and lady, knew that the attack on the World Trade Center was going to take place two weeks before it happened. That’s right! TWO FULL WEEKS! Furthermore, Earl said. “Been Laiden had nothing to do with it.” Earl continued, “Not only did Been Laiden have nothing to do with it, Chaney is only using him to keep the war goin’! Bush and his crew know that to get the oil, they hafta keep half the American people pissed off and the other half skeerd to death. Ya understand what I’m sayin’?” Bert, Jeb, Howie, and Jake, all nodded while mumbling that they did understand.

Earl stated further that, “economists used to consider $25,000 as middle class in this country. Not any more”, he continued, “now it’s closer to $40,000 and if these A-holes have their way, there won’t be no middle class, just the rich ‘n the poor. Ya understand what I’m sayin’?” The rest of the group nodded that they understood.

I could not contain myself any longer. “Earl”, I said, “Joe Walther here. I am a freelance commentator. I write an Internet Web Column called The True Facts. I handed him one of my business cards. Continuing, “Do you have any proof to back up your claims”, I asked. “Are you sure about those middle class income numbers”, I asked further.

Earl looked at my card and passed it around to his colleagues. Each of them, in turn, read it but Bert seemed confused. So Jake read it to him. This led me to assume that Bert can’t read. “Am I going to be in one of your columns”, Earl asked eagerly.

“Earl, I’m a dedicated commentator in perpetual search for the truth about all things”, I explained. “You can’t expect me to just sit on this kind of bombshell. The entire world, particularly the American people, is screaming for the truth about this stuff. I have a sacred obligation to let them know what I’ve discovered! Ya understand what I’m sayin’, Earl?” Earl nodded in agreement and said, “Just look at what’s going on in Washington. You gotta be a idiot to disagree with my theory.”

I told Earl that I see it all clearly now and that I had one additional request. “See if you can find out if there is any truth to Reverend Pat Robinson’s claim that God caused Ariel Sharon’s stroke. The good preacher seems to think that the Israeli Prime Minister pissed Him off by divvying up the West Bank among the Palestinians.” I told him that we, all of us, would be so grateful if he could clarify this.

I have to admit right up front here that my first impulse was to blame the stroke on the usual suspects of weight, age and stress. But, If I’m wrong, let me quote the late Chief Thunderthud of Howdy Doody fame. “Kowabunga!”

Folks, just think of the implications if Robertson is right about this. I don’t know about any of you, but I’m getting my ass into the first church I come to. “Hail Mary, full of grapes… Ya understand what I sayin’?”

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com

Late and overweight but it's not your fault!

An Extra Second and Tons of Space Dust
By Joseph Walther


I don’t know about all of you folks, but a couple of things have me all frustrated this New Year’s Day. First, my time reference seems to be completely out of kilter for some strange reason. Second, I am a lot heavier this year than I was last year at the same time. In fact, the weight problem seems to be something that has occurred with regularity for the past 40-years or so. For all I know, it may have been occurring all of my life and I’ve just noticed it over the past few years or so.

I have never been one of those namby-pamby types who chalk everything up to “God’s Will.” No siree! One thing that reading all of those “articles” in Playboy Magazine for the past 38-years has taught me is that there is a scientific reason for everything that happens. Not knowing the scientific reason does not mean that one does not exist. It just means we need to be more diligent and determined in our search.

So, I decided to have my research assistant, Lovie Kravesit, help me get to the bottom of my time and weight concerns. We found the answers on the Internet. That’s right; we found them on the Internet, so you know they must be true. Through painstaking and methodical scientific digging—even though we did get tricked into viewing a disgusting dirty picture or two—we discovered that it’s not my fault that I feel so out of sorts relative to time and weight.

The answers were all right there in plain view on the Internet. And, two of the world’s most respected bodies of science: The International Earth Rotation Service (IERS) and the United States Naval Observatory (USNO) have endorsed every one of them.

Who among us could possibly question these scientists? It’s impossible because, first, we’d have to understand what the hell they’re saying and, second, everything they say has passed the Carl Sagan Baloney Detection Kit: commonly referred to by us common folks as the Bullshit Meter.

I readily admit that I do not have anywhere near the facility for scientific analysis that Lovie has. She’s outstanding at analyzing this stuff and I trust her both implicitly and explicitly. She’s good a lot of other stuff, too, but I’m not going to talk about it here.

Without going into too much scientific detail, mainly because I don’t understand a word they’re saying, here’s the skinny on the time thing. According to IERS, the ephemeris second used to be defined as the fraction 1/31,336,925.9747th of the tropical year for 1900 January 0 at 12 hours ephemeris time.

Grinning like a Chessie Cat eating bumblebees, Lovie explained that even though the Eleventh General Conference on Weights and Measures ratified this definition, reference to the year 1900 did NOT mean that this was epoch of a mean solar day of 86,400 seconds. It, instead, simply referred to the epoch of the tropical year of 31,556,925.9747 seconds of ephemeris time AND ephemeris time (ET) was redefined as the measure of time that brings the observed positions of the celestial bodies into accord with the Newtonian dynamical theory of motion.

So, as any dolt can plainly see, the result is a completely new definition for the term, SECOND. Science now defines an atomic second in SI units as the duration of 9,192,631,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the cesium 133 atom. However, and this is critical, we must define the ground state at ZERO magnetic field. As long as we comply with this, we can define the atomic second in SI units as the equivalent to the ephemeris second!

I know what you’re all saying. You’re all saying that it’s all crystal clear now. Why didn’t they teach us this earlier in life? There would not have been a need for the digital watch and we would not have to assume that everyone wearing one is a complete idiot. Still, though, telling someone to be careful out there, because life can change in less than the duration of 9,192,263,770 periods of the radiation corresponding to the transition between the two hyperfine levels of the ground state of the cesium 133 atom, simply does not have the same impact as stating that life can change in less than a second.

Anyway, it is critical for all of you to know that a mean solar day has gone from 86,400 seconds to its present 86,400.002 seconds in a mere 179 years. All of the scientists agree on this, even to the point of being snotty about it. And they all blame the outcome on the growing trend of Earth’s slowing orbital speed due to tidal breaking.

Their solution has been to add a second of time, called a leap second, every so often to keep our clocks synchronized. Last night, New Year’s Eve, they added a second to our clocks at 6:59 PM.

If you, too, seem to be out of kilter, time wise, this is the reason. I understand it now, but I don’t like it. I also do not buy into their theory that all of this time warping is due to the moon's impact on tidal breaking. As you will see from what Lovie has told me about my weight dilemma, there is a much more logical reason for the slowing of Earth’s orbit.

For years, now, the American Institute for Instilling Dietary Terror has been blaming our weight gains on the ingestion of too many hamburgers, French fries, cheese steaks, pizza, cookies, cakes, chocolate, pregnancy, homosexuality, heterosexuality, bisexuality, lack of exercise, too much television, Protestantism, Catholicism, Judaism, Islam, and a host of other stuff. What a crock this has been.

Science… that’s right, SCIENCE has finally debunked this crap. According to the United States Geographic Survey, no less than 1,000 million grams of finely particled space dust enters our atmosphere and falls to Earth each year. That’s 1,000 tons of fine particle dust piling up year after year. It doesn’t take a rocket science degree to understand that a lot of it lands on each of us! Hell, we’re lucky we don’t weigh a lot more than we do.

Well, the gig is finally up and thanks to my research assistant, Lovie Kravesit, we can all stop feeling so damn guilty. All of you medical doctors out there need to get off of our backs. Even though we might have butts like those of Quarter Horses, it’s not our fault. So there! Also, with all of the added weight, is it any wonder that the Earth’s orbital speed is slowing down? DUH!

I noticed one other thing while I was looking at some of the web sites Lovie suggested. A couple of the sites with the dirty pictures taught me something. There is, apparently, no limit to the human body’s tolerance for contortion, especially under the right motivational circumstances. Wow! I had no idea that humans could get themselves that contorted.

Lovie explained this, too. It just goes to prove that I was correct earlier when I said that she’s good a lots of other stuff. According to Lovie, as long as you don’t have any severe lower back problems, those positions are a piece of cake.

Thanks, Lovie. You’ve made my day, not to mention those of my readers. Thanks to your expert research, we can all relax and have some fun. In the meantime, I’m going to go get a pizza and a submarine sandwich. I’m also going to have my lower back checked out, you know… just in case!

Have a great New Year. See you next Sunday.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send email to: publisher@thetruefacts.com