Hey Hamster! Get back on that wheel, now!

by Joseph Walther

“Private sector businesses have to make a profit. They do not have the luxury of indulging in bureaucratic nonsense the way that the public sector does. In fact, government agencies are about self-preservation, not helping people. This is why they are all so ineffective.” Yes, this is what the man said. We all—me and about seven others—heard him say it last Thursday afternoon. He spoke of several problems, but the gist of it all was his conviction that the “pubic” sector is bad and the “private” sector is good.

 

            The others seemed comfortable with this speaker. I had no idea who he was, and still don’t. I just happened to walk into one of those lounging/reading areas at Barnes and Noble Booksellers. The group seemed so intense. I had to stop a few minutes to listen. It only took about 30-seconds for me to realize that he was using a large brush and very broad strokes attempting to paint an incredibly detailed portrait.

 

            He continued, “For example, the du Pont Company would be out of business in a matter of months if it operated the way the public school system does.” The other seven listeners nodded with enraptured agreement. Just as his eyes met mine, I let him see a slight frown on my face and nodded back and forth in gentle disagreement. “You disagree with this statement, sir?” he asked. “I don’t disagree with your statement. However, I think the comparison sucks. You’re comparing apples to oranges,” I finished.

 

            I explained that his earlier statement about private sector businesses confused me. The du Pont Company, for example, is publicly traded. It’s only private in the sense that it’s not a government entity. On the other hand, Sam’s Sandwich Shop & Brain Surgery Emporium, although not traded publicly, is just as private and for the same reason. Both must return a profit or else! In the former case, the stockholders will get mad as hell and start firing people. In the latter case, Sam will go bankrupt and the customers will have to find somewhere else to enjoy a sandwich while awaiting brain surgery.

 

            The public school system is a government entity. We created it to provide a public good at a minimum cost to voters. We don’t expect a profit. While I think that it fails to meet some of its goals, it’s not a complete failure. If your children are average or above, they receive just as good an education as they would at a private school and at a price that a large segment of our population can easily afford. Granted, in the private school system, there are fewer disciplinary problems and, in the case of the religious denominational schools, more reinforcement of parents’ religious tenets.

 

            On the other hand, children with average or above academic ability pose far fewer disciplinary problems, probably on the same par as the average private school. Their parents are involved in their education and participate in parent/school activities. Additionally, these children have competent, dedicated teachers. There is not a problem here. Politicians, along with the clueless, should stop trying to solve one.

 

            At the lower end of the spectrum, however, there is a problem. And, lack of discipline is a major part of it. The politicians need to solve this problem, but they won’t. This would involve a direct confrontation with a strong public school teachers’ union, along with large segments of the clueless who will not vote for them, otherwise. Oh, and let us not forget the equally clueless parents who use public schools as convenient baby sitting agencies.

 

            I guess that my main point is the fact that bureaucratic nonsense exists in all aspects of life. It is present in the “private” sector as well as the “public” sector. I’ll use my hamsters-on-the-wheel analogy to explain what I mean.

 

            In the “private” sector, management’s job is to make sure that the wheel is the proper size and that the hamsters that turn the wheel are healthy and happy enough to operate the wheel in the best possible way. Private sector managers must also convince the hamsters that operate the wheel that they, with diligent effort and dedication, may one day succeed in getting OFF the wheel to direct the operation OF the wheel. And, these managers must accomplish all of this within a realm of profit margins sufficient to keep the wheel in business and, if applicable, keeping the stockholders from becoming mad!

 

            This applies to ALL “private” sector endeavors, whether they sell hamburgers, treat sick people, or educate our young people. It applies whether the endeavor is large, medium or small. In other words, in the “private” sector, profit is the underlying motivation and there is ALWAYS direct accountability. Failure always results in either some hamsters involuntarily leaving the wheel, the firing of some former hamsters, or a combination of both of these.

 

            But, as long as the managers accomplish the profit goals, they may (and most certainly do) engage in the same bureaucratic idiosyncrasies as their “public” sector counter parts. I have yet to find a private sector manager who has turned down a corner office, keys to the executive bathrooms, or any of the other perks associated with promotion from the ranks of former hamsters!

 

            In the “public” sector—meaning government agencies—profit is not a motivating force. In fact, law prohibits it. In addition, direct accountability is nonexistent. The system makes sure of this. The size of the wheel matters infinitely more that its efficiency. The bigger the wheel, the more hamsters it will take to turn it. The actual happiness and health of the hamsters are not as important in the “public” sector. All that’s required is to convince the hamsters that they’re doing noble work and successfully disguise their plights. It’s the old “This place sucks but the benefits and pension are fabulous” mindset.

 

            This mindset in the “public” sector is pervasive. It is immaterial whether we speak of the local government sponsored group to study recycling, the Department of Homeland Security, or the Congress of the United States. BIG is preferred because it is safe from direct accountability.

 

            “Public” sector managers and politicians know something else, too. They know that WE, the voters, have long forgotten that WE hold stockholder powers. They also know that WE, the stockholders, bitch day and night about all of the “public” sector nonsense. But, WE, the stockholders, don’t really mean it, though. How do they know this?

 

            We prove it with 6-15 percent turnouts during primary elections. We prove it further with between 21-28 percent turnouts for mid-term elections. We prove it even further with consistently sub-fifty percent turnouts for presidential elections. We prove it ultimately by permitting our news outlets, both print and electronic, to sell their goods by consistently appealing to our growing number of lowest common denominators.

 

            We’re all hamsters, folks, and it’s our collective leg power that keeps the wheel turning. The wheel is getting bigger and bigger and tougher and tougher to turn. Unless we, the hamsters, do something about it, it’s going to become worse to the point that we’ll all collapse from exhaustion and the wheel will stop. We’re in desperate need for people to coordinate our efforts at turning the wheel. Right now, unfortunately, if we identified all of the talent in the Whitehouse and both Houses of Congress combined and applied it directly to our collective hips as added weight, we’d not gain a single ounce.

 

            Have a safe and happy week. Next week, however, I’m going to discuss s-e-x. I have always tried not to announce my topic in advance because it’s so restrictive in the event that something more interesting comes up in the interim. I’m only doing it this week out of consideration for all of the tight-assed moral absolutists who love to send me email condemning me to eternal hell. So if you’re one of those tight asses, you might want to read your bible instead.

 

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.