Does Masturbation Really Cause Blindness?

 

 

By Joe Walther

 

This has been a perpetually controversial idiom for eons. The good nuns from decades ago told us boys, emphatically, that it did. However, as we get older, things tend to get a bit more complicated. As I type this, the scientific evidence overwhelmingly tells us that it does not. In fairness, though, and paraphrasing something that former president, Bill Clinton, probably would have said had the lawyers asked him, “It depends on your definition of masturbation.” I have long advocated that there is also a non-physical form of masturbation. It DOES cause blindness, and millions do it.

 

            I’m talking, of course, about mental masturbation. I realize that the mere mention of masturbation sends the world’s prudes into a moral frenzy. So, if you feel more comfortable, instead of the term, “mental masturbation”, use the term, “intellectualizing simplicity”: IS if you prefer an acronym.

 

            The list of IS examples is unlimited. Unfortunately, time and space are, so, I’m only going to relate a few of them this week. One involves the shenanigans of a local town government as reported by the Delaware’s News Journal. Another came to me via an email from a reader about a news article located on Yahoo! News. The last came as another email from someone who read one of my columns dealing with cloning and the use of embryonic stem cell research.

 

            Item one concerns Middletown. It is a growing, incorporated metropolis located in Southern New Castle County, Delaware. Even though the town has grown exponentially over the past 20-years, the town government still consists of unpaid elected officials, including the mayor. It also employs a sizeable paid workforce.

 

            The town’s politicians came under fire several months ago when the News Journal began a series of articles uncovering some questionable practices. The mayor, with town council’s knowledge had been making interest free loans of up to ten thousand dollars each, from taxpayer funds, to employees who had fallen on hard times. Oh, and there were no written loan agreements. Each employee involved had to agree to let the town deduct the monthly repayments from their periodic paychecks to pay back the money.

 

            Since that time, we’ve come to find out about several other loan/grant irregularities. I’m not going to rehash the whole thing here. You can query www.delawareonline.com for related and/or follow-up articles. They’ve become quite abundant lately.

 

            Quickly, though, click here and read the fifth paragraph beginning with “Vice Mayor Jim Reynolds said…” and ending with his quoted words, "If somebody is going to complain about us giving money to transport senior citizens around town, to me that's money well spent," in the sixth paragraph.

 

            Unlike many others, I won’t concede that Mr. Reynolds, along with the others involved, had purely altruistic intentions relative to these matters. These people are not stupid. They knew that their actions were questionable at best and illegal at worst. The fact that we even permit discussion to the contrary is mental masturbation of the highest caliber.

 

            In light of Middletown’s phenomenal growth, over the past 10-years alone, it must take a considerable amount of time and effort on the part of the city’s political leaders to keep things going. I think it’s fair to wonder aloud as to why people with full time jobs in the private sector, not to mention their family obligations, want to devote so much time and effort to the management of this town. What’s the motivation for such people to place their personal reputations and feelings on the line for all of us to criticize whenever the spirit moves us? Non-paid, too!

 

            I wouldn’t do it and I have the time! Do any of you really believe that they do it out of a sense of public service, or in the words of the McDonalds Hamburger chain, “We do it all for you”? I sure don’t. Could it have something to do with a thirst for um, oh, I don’t know… control, or power, or, God forgive me, maybe even some form of non-monetary payment.

 

            Think about it. The expenses involved in political campaigns approach tens of thousands of dollars at the local one-horse town level, to virtually multiple millions for a national office. The resultant office salaries never result in a breakeven point. There MUST be other motivational factors. I’ll bet my last dollar that none of them has anything to do with “serving the people”, either.

 

            No, Mr. Reynolds, no one’s going to criticize a town’s administration for wanting to provide needed transportation to and from medical appointments for senior citizens. You knew this when you made let the paper quote you above. Conversely, not for a single second are you stupid enough to believe that this has become the true focal point of the criticism.

 

            Coordinated activity in secret is not just a way to circumvent those pesky legal rules that we all have to follow; It’s also know as CONSPIRACY and criminal prosecutors tend to be real snotty about it. You political types know this. The problem is the fact that your unmitigated arrogance blinds you to the idea that the rest of us can figure it out as well. Then, when someone catches you at it, you become indignantly defensive and insulted.

 

            You say stupid stuff like, “When the true facts come out, I’ll be vindicated.” Oh, by the way, let me thank you for this. It’s what gave rise to my column, The True Facts. It also provides the press and others with enough mental masturbation material to render all of us flat out “seeing eye-dog” blind.

 

            The second item told of scientists finding a brain evolution gene. You can click here to read it. While this was an interesting piece, it was the essence of the email from a reader named Mark at Nomoor.ThanUdo@yahoo.com that piqued my attention. Here is his email, verbatim.

 

“Mr. Walther, please read this article carefully. Please note that Professor Andrew Clark of Cornell University states, emphatically, that the rapid growth of this gene is NOT part of normal evolution. I don’t suppose that you’d concede that God had anything to do with it, would you? You seem so intent on denying us Christians the right to teach intelligent design as an alternative to evolution in high school biology.”

 

            Well, Mark, this may come as a surprise to you, but I happen to know Andy Clark. Trust me on this. He did not mean to give you the impression that he thinks God is involved in this business in any way. As for me, I have no idea whether God’s involved. However, if you or any of your friends come up with a scientifically falsifiable hypothesis to support your contention, I’ll sit right up, take notice, and perhaps rethink my position. As it stands now, though, you are doing nothing but showing your usual propensity for dallying in false logic.

 

            The last item came from callme1942@yahoo.com. The sender did not give any other identifying information. However, here is the email.

 

Subject: Cloning and Embryonic Stem Cell Research is a SIN!

“Mr. True Facts, when are you going to smart up? God will punich us if we keep skrewing with clones and babies for reserch.”

 

            Yo, Callme, who typed the subject line for ya? From the message section of your email, it seems that you didn’t. Anyway, I think you’re too late. Medical science has been doing cloning research for years.

 

            For example, there is substantial evidence that scientists are able to smell a random fart in mid-air, capture it in a jar, and take it to a lab. Once there, they proceed to build an asshole around it, add a torso, upper/lower extremities, and top it off with a mindless bobble head sporting a stupid grin. Many of them run for political office. Others become guides for those on perpetual tours of the absolute.

 

            Don’t believe me, Callme1942? The next time you see George Bush talking to the press, or Pat Robertson praying for someone through those tightly closed, squinting eyes, or Howard Dean in some frenzied pointless speech, or Ann Coulter in the midst of one of her high-heeled pit bull moments, think about it.

 

            Well, that it for now. As I said, I can’t confirm the alleged negative affects of physical masturbation. But, we do one hell of a lot of mental masturbating…I mean intellectualizing simplicity that it’s a wonder we’re all not walking around tapping our way along the sidewalks with one of those red and white canes.

 

See you next week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.