Your call is important, stay on the line!

Hello, How May I Help You?
By Joseph Walther

“Books have knowledge; knowledge is power; power corrupts; corruption is a crime and crime doesn’t pay. Therefore, reading causes bankruptcy.” A friend sent me this as a prime example of a circular reference. While most of us view this kind of thinking as too stupid for words, others believe every word of it. Whatever you believe, this is not an example of circular referencing. Here’s a prime example of circular referencing.

You buy a major appliance from a major retail chain. They deliver it and install it as agreed. Ten minutes after the installers have left, it stops working altogether. You just can’t unplug it, toss it into the trunk of your car and take it back. So, you call that customer service number the installers gave you. You know… the one the sales associate assured you that you’d probably NEVER need.

You pick up the phone and dial the number (800-727-3968). Ring… ring… Then you hear the ominous tone, BLA-bla-BLEEP, “Your number cannot be completed as dialed. Please check it and try again.” Mumbling, “WHAT?” you verify that you dialed the right number. Then it dawns on you that you forgot to dial the “1” first! So you redial 1-800-727-3968. Ring… Ring… Ring…

“Thank you for choosing Mega Store, Inc. for your major appliance needs. Please listen to our customer service selections carefully, as they have changed at least two hundred times over the past thirty minutes, alone! If you are calling about an electrical appliance, dial 1, if you are calling about a gas appliance, dial 2, if your call concerns an installation problem, dial 3,” etc. I’ll bet you had no idea how many 1 and 2-digit combinations existed on a standard digital phone.

You’ve been on the phone almost 12-minutes and suddenly realize that you have yet to speak to anyone with a human pulse. At last, you hear menu choice number 39. It’s the ONE. You dial it. Ring… Ring… “This call may be monitored for training purposes and to assure you of the best customer service. Your call is important to us and it will be answered in the order in which it was received.” Cue… eardrum shattering music…

Every thirty seconds you hear, “Your call is very important to us, please hold for the next available service representative.” Suddenly you hear, “Hello, my name is Harold, how may I help you?” You explain that your brand new appliance stopped working ten minutes after you people installed it. “Hmm,” mumbles Harold. “I think you need to speak to Returns,” he continues. “Let me transfer you.” Silence… then Ring… Ring…

“Hello, my name is Carol; do you have something that you want to return?” Sigh… “No!” You begin to explain the situation from the beginning. Carol then explains that you really do need to speak with ON-Sight Service. “Let me transfer you.” Silence… then Ring… Ring… Ring…

“Hello, Moose here, what can I do for you?” You, as anger builds and builds, grit your teeth and explain the situation to Moose. Moose then explains that because your particular appliance was delivered on a Tuesday, prior to noon AND it was raining, he’d have to transfer you to Service Scheduling. Silence, but things are looking up… Ring… Ring… Ring…

A sweet, perky female voice greets you with, “Hi, my name is Millie, how may I help you?” Enchanted by her sweet, innocent, soothing voice, (She sounds young enough to be your granddaughter.) you begin to explain the entire situation all over again…”I’m sorry, sir”, Millie interrupts, “but this should have been handled by our main customer service group. I’m going to transfer you. Choose menu item number 39 once you get there….” You shout, "UP YOURS, MILLIE!" (or words to that effect) SLAM! Your neighbors can hear the sound of phone parts hitting the walls and floor of your kitchen.

THIS has been an example of circular references. You are undoubtedly familiar with its other name: the Run Around! A circular reference—the run around—is a series of references where the last participant references the first, thus rendering the entire exercise useless. While no one has done it yet, I’m willing to bet that there is a strong correlation between the incidences of rage-induced homicides and circular references enhanced by automated phone systems.

My opening quotation is representative of circular logic, not circular references. Never confuse the two. Circular logic is attempting to reach a valid conclusion, the validity of which depends upon a series of logical assumptions; wherein at least one of the assumptions is self-validating.

A classic example is someone using the bible to prove the existence of God and quoting that same bible as proof. Another example… “Hi, I’m from the government and I’m here to help you.” SLAM! Damn it, there goes my other phone!

Oh, by the way, 800-727-3968 is the numeric equivalent to (800) SCREWYOU. But this is probably just a coincidence. Anyway, take it easy on the Millies of this world; they are just doing what the Neanderthals they work for have trained them to do!

Have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.