Oh, say it isn't so!

I Swear! I’m Not Making This Up.
By Joseph Walther

One of the unmistakable signs of a pseudo intellectual is the use of too many words—most often using the passive voice—to express a few simple thoughts. This, in my opinion, is an attempt to display more intelligence than actually exists.

The intellectualization of simplicity (AKA mental masturbation) has always been an obsessive endeavor of pseudo intellectuals. Its practitioners live for the opportunity to complicate simplicity beyond recognition. It’s a simple process. It requires one or more topic originators plus a myriad of gullible pro and con responders.

The topic originators do not have to be cerebral giants, only shrewd. After all, these folks are not the ones doing the intellectualizing. For the most part, the desire to increase their checking account balances is a prime motivator. Others, me for example, love watching idiots come out of the woodwork at the mere mention of nonsensical topics. Regardless, thanks to human gullibility, the supply of mental masturbators remains limitless.

The veracity of the topic is immaterial. It can be a complete fabrication, the brutal truth, or some combination of the two. The keys to a topic’s success are believability and contentiousness. Include a modest fear factor and the money’s as good as in the bank! Here’s an example.

This morning’s Sunday News Journal carried no less than three op-ed columns about “The Da Vinci Code” book and movie. The first one, “There’s no secret Catholic conspiracy”, was written by Leonard R. Kline, a Roman Catholic Priest in the Diocese of Wilmington, Delaware. Father Klein clearly exposed the differences between the biblical accounts of Christ’s life and the fictional ones described by Dan Brown in his book. It was well done and to the point.

The second one, “Some truth about early Christianity”, was written by retired University of Delaware philosophy professor, Frank Dilley. The essence of Dr. Dilley’s column was a concern for Dan Brown’s literary style. It, too, was a well-written piece. He stressed that sometimes when writers combine “pure fiction” with carefully placed, historically valid facts, the former runs the risk of obscuring the latter.

The last one, “The evidence is suspicious”, was written by Bo Matthews, pastor of Brandywine Valley Baptist Church in Talleyville. Reverend Matthews’s column compares and contrasts The Da Vinci Code to a 1927 novel by the name of Elmer Gantry. Relative to “The Da Vinci Code”, Matthews accuses secularists of possibly hating, but certainly of insulting, evangelicals and Catholics, as author Dan Brown seems to do in his book and movie.

I was very comfortable with both Father Klein’s and Professor Dilley’s columns. In the case of the former, the writer clearly differentiates between Dan Brown’s “purely fictional” account and that of the biblical record. In the case of the latter, Professor Dilley seems to be writing a review of the dangers inherent in Dan Brown’s choice of style. Both pieces were free of emotionally charged personal accusations.

The last one, by Reverend Matthews, was loaded with emotion and emotionally based charges of insults. It makes Reverend Matthews appear to be on the clueless side of things. Where the first two writers left any conclusions to the readers, Reverend Matthews instructed his readers in why they should be incensed. Reverend Matthews appears to be an undisputed intellectualizer of simplicity or, if you’d prefer, a mental masturbator par excellence.

Overall, I am not sure which poses the most danger. Is it the emotional response like that of Reverend Matthews? Or, is it the implication that the bulk of the people who read “The Da Vinci Code”, or may see the movie, are intellectually devoid of understanding the difference between fact and fiction?

The fact is that the publishers advertised the book as fiction. Booksellers displayed the book in the FICTION section of their respective stores. The last time I checked, fiction meant that a writer made up a story plot. As long as a writer clearly marks a work as fiction, it’s still permissible to make stuff up.

To this day, conspiracy theorists, by the millions, question Kennedy’s assassination. In the same vein, conspiracy buffs still claim that our government has some crashed alien space ship, along with the preserved remains of its alien pilots, hidden from us common folk in some desert region in the United States called Area 51.

Sex has always been a good seller. It’s just flat out more exciting to believe that Jesus knocked up Mary Magdalene than it is to buy into that boring, sexless “Virgin Birth” stuff. Personally, I think it is a miracle that St. Joe didn’t get mad and off someone over that business.

I am not into fiction reading. I am most certainly thinking about it, though. People love conspiracy and sex. I am thinking about writing hot novel involving politics and sex. It’s going to be about a former United States President who found himself in deep trouble over ill-conceived sexual encounters and lies. I’ll probably name the main character Cill Blinton. I need a catchy title, though. Readers, all of you feel free to submit your recommendations.

Someone told me that history is nothing more than what people collectively agree happened, whether it actually happened or not. In the movie, “Liberty Valance”, a reporter from back East refused to print the truth as to who killed Liberty Valance because the legend was more interesting. He said, “When the legend becomes fact, print the legend.”

By God, that’s exactly what I’m going to do. I just thought of a title for my novel about a fictional, sexually predacious former U. S. President. If I had thought of this title a year ago, I’d be on a book tour right now with millions already in the bank. I’m going to title the book, “Cill Blinton: Providing Temporary Relief to Nymphomaniacs Since About 1965.”

Watch for me at Borders. I’ll not only autograph your copy, we might also discuss my next fictional expose of those “baccy-chewing”, small government advocating, sunbelt conservatives currently morphing into Teddy Roosevelt Republicans who believe in using the power of the State to screw over us poor, illiterate yahoos. My good buddy Earl, from over at Mama Gina’s Pizza, wants to collaborate on this one!

I think I’ll send him an email. In the meantime, have a great week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Send your comments. Just click here.