Of "condom mints" and stupidity!
By Joseph Walther
PART ONE…
This is not free advertising for Jakes; even though the place serves the best damn hamburger money can buy. The folks at Jake’s cook the things to order and serve them on an old-fashioned bun—no sesame seeds or any other seeds that seem to have invaded the hamburger joints of the world.
The latest Jake’s to open in Delaware is in Claymont, in northern New Castle County. People in the surrounding areas have welcomed it with open, loving, insatiably starving arms, particularly 7-year-old Jessica, and her mom.
I stopped to satisfy my addictive cravings for hamburger things cooked medium. The place—a huge layout with many tables—was packed. At Jake’s, a customer goes to the cashier, places an order, takes the order receipt, and waits (not very long) for them to call out the order number.
I stepped back to await my order. I ended up standing close to Jessica’s table. She and her mom had just received their orders. And, seated at an adjacent table, less than three-feet away, were two elderly women (defined as no less than early to mid-eighties). They, too, had just received their orders: triple cheeseburgers… that’s right, TRIPLE… and hand-dipped chocolate milk shakes to boot.
Sound travels well inside of this particular Jake’s, especially when it is the voice of a 7-year-old young lady voicing a small complaint about her order.
“Mommy,” declared Jessica, “this is a good hamburger but they didn’t put enough ‘condom mints’ on it.” The moment was precious. For about two seconds, the silence was enough to rupture eardrums. Then, low-keyed at first, sounds began to fill the room once again, mostly stifled laughter.
Well, that is all except for the man seated at a table behind Jessica’s. He laughed so hard that he spewed root beer, through both his nose and mouth, all over his tray and table.
One of the elderly women at the table next to Jessica looked up and saw me smiling. She, too, laughed and declared, “That’s it! I knew something wasn’t right. You tell ‘em sweetheart.” She then continued to inhale her triple… that’s right, TRIPLE… cheeseburger.
By now, several customers had tears of muffled laughter streaming down their cheeks. Jessica looked confused. Her mom seemed torn between an urge to unleash side-hurting laughter and desperately trying to climb underneath a floor tile.
She reached a quick compromise. She smiled at her daughter and said, “I think you mean condiments, honey. These people are laughing because what you said was funny. I’ll explain it when we get home.”
Everyone inside of Jake’s knew what Jessica meant: more mustard and ketchup. One of the staff members came from behind the service counter and gave Jessica a couple of packets of mustard and ketchup. “I’m sorry, honey, we’ll put more on the next time you come in,” she said. With a smile, she handed the child a coupon for a free hamburger on her next visit.
Children understand exactly what they are saying. Jessica probably does not understand the implication of “condom,” but “condom mint” and “condiment” sound the same to her.
As the two elderly, TRIPLE cheeseburger scoffing women left, one of them patted Jessica’s mom on the back and told her to savor every second with her beautiful young daughter. “She’ll be grown up in an instant and you’ll wonder where the time went. It will be moments like this that will sustain you with loving, tender memories.”
I second that. I’m proud of my children and the things they have accomplished in their still-evolving lives. I’m thankful for having had the luck to be part of their lives and to see them find their life’s passions before I die.
However, these kinds of precious memories are the ones that cause me to become all bubbly-eyed with loving, tender remembrances. Readers, if you have young children, these things are going to happen to you. Yes, you’ll be a little embarrassed because it’s human nature.
PART TWO…
Now, I take you on a journey through horrorsville! This is another of those grocery store checkout counter nightmares, worse than Dick Chaney’s scowling face could ever be.
This particular grocery store, Superfresh, had a sale on ground beef (you know… the good stuff, ground sirloin). You could buy 3-pounds for $3.00. However, it had to be in a single, 3-pound package. Unfortunately, the couple in front of me at the checkout couldn’t find any more 3-pound packages. So, they picked up two separate packages that added up to 3-pounds.
This made perfect sense to me, as I’m sure it did to those behind me in line. But, rules are rules.
The cashier denied the sale price and explained the rules. The couple re-explained that the store was out of 3-pound packages. The manager on duty came over and approved the sale price anyway. No problem! This took less than 20-seconds. This is NOT the horror part. Be patient; it’s coming.
The grand total for this couple, prior to the manager approving the sale price, was an EVEN $10.00. What are THOSE odds, you lottery players? However, trouble decimated paradise once the manager approved the ground beef special. You see, it resulted in a $0.97 refund adjustment. Brace yourselves! This may hurt.
Modern technology is fantastic. Cash registers can handle these adjustments with the touch of a couple of buttons. Well, OK, apparently these particular cash registers can’t.
At Superfresh, the cashier must do the math… manually, on a form and scan the new total into the cash register. The cashier then places the manually calculated form into the cash register for documentation and audit purposes. Brace yourselves! Take a deep breath. In, now out. In, now out. Nice and easy.
The cashier, about 17-years-old, could not subtract $0.97 from $10.00. She proudly admitted it, too. “I’m terrible at math,” she explained. “Marge is coming over. She’s good a math,” she finished for all to hear. Brace yourselves! It gets worse.
By now, though, I was starting to feel the pain. It was awful. Please, I wanted someone to stop it. Someone removing a hemorrhoid with a corkscrew… without anesthesia would not have caused this kind of pain!
I tried to help. “The new total is $9.03,” I told the cashier. She politely thanked me. “But,” she continued, “we have to verify that on this side of the register.” I apologized and shut my mouth. I could see those behind me shaking their heads. Brace yourselves! Yes, it gets even worse.
Marge appeared on the scene, smiling and exuding confidence, that smug kind that people display when they “know” how to do something and you don’t. I began to feel better until…
Anyway, Marge, the in-resident math genius, had to rummage though stuff around the cash register in order to find a blank piece of paper and a pencil. Once she located these, she “wrote” the problem out. She then proceeded to DO the arithmetic. We could see her lips and fingers moving as she manually subtracted 10.00 - 0.97.
“OK,” she said. Then, continuing in a bit of a muffled voice, she proceeded to subtract. “Seven from ten is, um, three. The other zero is now a nine and nine from nine is zero. Now, bring down the other nine. The new total is $9.03.” Proudly, Marge filled in the form with the new total and scanned it into the cash register. She was beaming as the cashier thanked her for the “help.”
I’m sure Einstein experienced similar feelings of accomplishment when he published his theories on Special and General Relativity.
When a junior or senior in high school cannot do third-grade subtraction, it’s very sad. It becomes downright scary when a business’s in-resident math expert needs to “write” the same problem “out” in order to concentrate on deriving the correct answer. The fact that a grocery chain like Superfresh even hires such people, let alone puts them on cashier status, is absolutely mind numbing.
I am around and work with young people all of the time. I rarely meet this sort of illiteracy. So, I refuse to believe that this cashier and Marge are the rule out there in the world. If I’m wrong, I’m turning in my belly button because we’re all doomed. We’ll be a cakewalk for Al Qaeda!
Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.
posted by The True Facts at 4:03 PM
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