Of cow farts, limbo, and other stuff!

By Joseph Walther

Listen up. I have some bad news, some good news, and then, some more bad news. On the bad news front, the human race may be doomed sooner than we think. Cows! That’s right…COWS. Apparently, they’ve been slowly, methodically doing us in ever since the Neolithic Era. Although different subject matter, on the good news front, the Roman Catholic Pope has decided to eliminate the concept of limbo. On the “some more bad news” front, fewer people are attending church services, so limbo may be a dead issue.

The next time you fire up your gas-guzzling SUV, or that motor home in which you achieve 8-miles per gallon, rest easy. When the tree huggers cuss you out, just flip them the bird and keep on moving. You’re not the one bringing the human race to the brink of extinction. Cow farts are doing it.

It’s not the cow farts, actually. Cow belches are doing around 95% of it. Getting even more technical, it’s not just the cows. It’s livestock in general. This is a fact. However, cow belch, or burp, doesn’t elicit nearly the same degree of “snicker” effect that cow fart does. As a writer, I feel obligated to raise your awareness to these matters and I will stoop to any depth to do it.

First, I want to make sure we’re all using the proper terms. Many people think that the hole in the ozone layer is causing global warming. In fact, they—including a significant percentage of the news media—think that the greenhouse effect and ozone depletion are the same. They’re not. CFCs (Chlorofluorocarbons) deplete the ozone layer and carbon emissions cause the greenhouse effect which, in turn, raises the planet’s temperature.

If the Earth’s ozone layer disintegrates, it won’t cause global warming. It’ll just cause massive outbreaks of terminal cancer. Additionally, we’ll start noticing these ugly, pussy, seeping lesions popping up all over our bodies. This will be due to the full force of the Sun’s ultra-violet rays reaching Earth.

Of course, this will be nothing compared to the myriad other radiation-oriented problems, like toes growing out of our foreheads, or an extra arm attached to our buttocks, or maybe even an extra breast growing out of women’s backs between their shoulder blades. Of course, this last one will probably raise the male interest in slow dancing to record-breaking levels.

On the bright side, though, this will not cause climatic changes. It won’t warm up the planet, thus causing continents to slide beneath the oceans, unheard of category-12 hurricanes, tidal waves the size of Mount Everest, and a host of other cataclysmic events that, at the very least, might extinguish the human race and turn control over the cockroaches. No, the greenhouse effect (global warming), at least in part, will cause this.

The point is that livestock emissions are responsible for 18% of the greenhouse gases that cause global warming. Even the staunchest of tree hugger fanatic can’t dismiss this. That’s right. All of the transportation-generated greenhouse emissions combined do not amount to 18% of the total.

Remember this the next time you red meat-eating clowns go out for a prime rib dinner or a juicy steak dinner. All you’re doing is encouraging farmers to breed more cows that will compound the cow fart problem—belch problem, actually, but I’ve explained this. If you care, you’ll order tofu. Also, we should start boycotting Wendy’s. McDonald’s and Burger King are okay because I don’t think they use beef. I’m not sure what they use, but it can’t be beef.

Now, let’s look at some good news. Remember, I said “good” news, not necessarily “meaningful” news. Pope Benedict XVI has decided to eliminate the concept of limbo from Roman Catholicism.

When I was born, my parents baptized and raised me as a Roman Catholic. I’m sure the Church excommunicated me, though. My best educated guess as to when this happened is around age 12. I had developed this crush on a girl named Ann. It seemed that every time I thought about her, something came up. The more often I thought about her, the more frequently… well, you get the picture. Even without this, I had already begun to think that the Catholic Church’s approach to worldly social issues bordered on pure stupidity. But, when Father Breen told me that I couldn’t think about Ann, it was the last straw!

Anyway, for centuries, Roman Catholics believed that children who die prior to Baptism went to limbo. It wasn’t Heaven’s level of supernatural happiness in the presence of God, but it wasn’t bad, either. It was a state of “perfect” natural happiness. I imagine that it was something like the natural happiness, anticipation, pleasure, and joy that I felt whenever I thought about Ann, if you get my drift. But, maybe not.

As for limbo, I always thought it was bad marketing. What idiot is going to give your church money after you’ve told them that their infant kid’s in hell? A copout like limbo was sheer marketing genius. Pope Benedict didn’t mention anything about donation maintenance. All he said, in effect, was that there are “serious” grounds to hope that children who die before baptism can go to heaven. He referred to limo as “only a theological hypothesis.”

As usual, some other theologians disagree. The Rev. Richard McBrien said, “If there’s no limbo and we’re not going to revert to St. Augustine’s teaching that unbaptized infants go to hell, we’re left with only one option, namely, that everyone is born in the state of grace.”

Here’s a third option, Father McBrien. Limbo’s bullshit and St. Augustine, while one of your churches heavyweights, was an asshole, perhaps the Pat Robertson of his time, an idiot. Maybe everyone IS born in a state of grace. Oh, and, here is a side note to Pope Benedict XVI. There’s no such thing as a “theological hypothesis. Any legitimate, objective scientist can explain why.

Okay, back to more “bad” news. According to the Sunday News Journal, “80% of Americans profess a belief in God, but the pews are emptying.” Click here for the article. It goes into many reasons for why the pews are emptying, but seems to avoid hitting on anything meaningful. Let me try it.

First, a denominational, dogmatic, vengeful-prone God is different from an all-around omnipotent, omniscient, benevolent, protective, and forgiving God. The latter God is the God of choice for many of us. It’s an attractive concept, easy to believe AND there are no strings attached… no annoying, etched in stone rules to follow. The idea of a bearded, old, pissed-off tyrant floating around the heavens tossing fireballs and floods at people who anger Him is not so welcome, though.

While they are not alone, Catholics believe that theirs is the only true religion. It upsets the other religions to say the least. Likewise, the Jews have always believed that they’re God’s chosen people. This offends the hell out of the Palestinians, who have always believed that they’re His favorites. Looking at the tragic history of the Jewish people, I wonder. If this is how God treats His chosen ones, the rest of us better standby for some heavy-weight grief!

Second, another part of the problem is that it’s more acceptable to say that you believe in God than it is to say otherwise. Besides, even the most solid believers among us have to admit that no one knows for sure. So, what’s it hurt to say you believe?

Third, if there is ONE God, why are there so many sets of rules? One set would simplify everything. Also, we need more proof than the words of some antagonistic, power hungry men who always get the word from God when they are alone, without witnesses, talking burning bushes notwithstanding. I’m not saying that Moses didn’t get the Word from a burning bush, mind you. I’m just saying that people should have checked the remaining supply of Kickapoo Joy Juice when he came back off that mountain.

Finally, if the alleged believers truly believed as professed, they’d be in their churches of choice every day of every week of every year of every century. They’d abide by all that they claim is good and holy 24 by 7, NO EXEMPTIONS. I don’t see this happening. So, what’s a guy to think?

I’ll be back next week. The company I use for email notifications is screwing up the email notifications. I’m looking for a replacement. In the meantime, I’ve noticed a huge increase in the RSS feed requests. RSS feeds are far more reliable than email notifications. Just click on the RSS button in the left-hand column.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.