Oh, the GUILT of it all!

By Joseph Walther

A few years ago, I wrote a column about competitive guilt. It concerned the seemingly perpetual competition between Catholics and Jews for the ever-coveted “Most Adept at Dispensing Guilt” award.

While I intended it as a tongue-in-cheek parody on the standard, comedic stereotypical reputation of Jewish mothers specifically, and Roman Catholics in general, there was more than a smidgen of truth involved.

It seems that nothing’s changed. I had to be in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania this past Thursday to testify on behalf of the State on a technical matter.

During a lunch recess, as I approached my table in the courthouse cafeteria, I overheard a man at the adjacent table say, “I’m Jewish. Trust me when I tell you that no mother can heap on the guilt like a Jewish mother.”

There were six people at his table: two men and four women. As I was sitting down at my table, one of the women at his table blurted out, “Oh, REALLY! Well, I’m a 40-year-old married Catholic woman and I STILL feel like I’m committing a sin whenever I have an orgasm. How’s THAT for guilt?”

She didn’t mean to, but she said it loudly enough that silence descended upon the entire cafeteria. All eyes, it seemed, focused on HER. I have no doubt that, had she been able, she would have climbed under one of the floor tiles.

No one’s ever accused me of being at a loss for words. As she and I made unintentional eye contact, I gave her a bit of a smile, a thumbs up sign, and told her, “Guilt or not, it’s not YOUR fault that nature makes it feel so good. So, my child, go and find thee a more substantial reason for feeling guilty.”

The place erupted in laughter, including her, and everyone seemed to get back to their respective conversations.

I’m not going to the trouble of rummaging through the archives to repeat what I wrote in that past article. However, I think it worth a brief overview just to clear things up once and for all.

For centuries now, comedians by the millions have done a job on Jewish mothers and the guilt they’re capable of heaping on their children.

I’ve also known my share of loving Jewish mothers. While a few were a bit heavy handed with the guilt trips, the majority wouldn’t have been able to hold a candle to my own mother’s ability to delegate extreme guilt, and SHE was a devout Roman Catholic.

First of all, Jewish guilt tends to be cultural in nature, centering around an interpersonal theme. When a Jewish mother, for example, lays a guilt trip on a son, it might go something like this.

Son: Mom, hi! How are you” How’s everything in Florida?

Mom: Not too good; I’ve been very weak.

Son: My God, WHAT’S wrong?

Mom: Never mind.

Son: What’s wrong, mom?

Mom: Never mind; it’s OK.

Son: WHY are you weak, mom?

Mom: OK! OK! I haven’t eaten in 41-days.

Son: That’s TERRIBLE! Why?

Mom: Because I didn’t want my mouth to be filled with food in case you should call.

The guilt is interpersonal. It’s main premise is that the behavior in question constitutes a terrible thing to do to someone. You know… like when a Jewish daughter marries a male nurse instead of a doctor.

Roman Catholic guilt, on the other hand, is an altogether different matter. It’s neither cultural nor interpersonal. It’s endemic, going to the very essence of humanity itself.

It’s not a matter of Catholic parents dropping a guilt trip on their children. This guilt comes directly from Catholic Theology! Catholic parents and Church teachers are merely the conduits through which the guilt is passed on to ensuing generations. Here’s how it works.

Christians, in general, believe that Jesus Christ became man by being born of the Virgin Mary. He suffered an unimaginable degree of physical and emotional pain while being crucified for OUR sins.

God sent His son to suffer and die like this as retribution for humanity’s sinful fall from HIS favor after that terrible “apple-eating” scandal back in the Garden of Eden, thanks in no small part to that temptress she-devil, Eve.

Remember! God was a prick back in those days. This was the OLD TESTAMENT God, a nasty-tempered dude who would toss fireballs, raging floods, and hideous, disease-ridden plagues at people who pissed him off, even small children.

I mean, after all those years of leading the Jews through the desert, He wouldn’t even let his favorite buddy, Abraham, into the Promised Land and, from all the reports at the time, Abraham didn’t even do anything. Now, THAT’S a prick.

Then, somewhere along the line, God found some PR (Public Relations) people and they did a complete makeover. Suddenly there was a new God, a kinder, gentler, less edgy and far more personable God. He sent his son to get us off the eternal damnation trail.

In other words, Jesus died for US! All of US! EVERYONE who’s ever been born! EVERYONE who is alive today! EVERYONE who will ever BE born, right up to the end of the world.

Here was the nicest, most loving, most helpful, sinless person ever to grace humanity. A living personification of goodness and mercy!

He healed the sick, raised people from the dead, forgave hookers, walked on water, even fed thousands of people during a single afternoon using just a few fishes and containers of wine.

And how did WE repay Jesus? We KILLED him. That’s right! After all he did for us, we caused him to be scourged, crowned with thorns, nailed to a cross, stabbed with a spear, and left to die between two common, sinning scumbags.

Now THIS is guilt. It makes Jewish guilt seem like child’s play in comparison. All Christians are subjected to it and must live with it. Catholics, however, have raised the bar to even greater heights, though.

Not only are we guilty for every “sinful” ACTION we’ve ever taken, we’re also JUST as guilty for even thinking about such things. In other words, thinking about doing it is the same as doing it.

Why, just a second ago, I had some fleeting thoughts about a woman I saw at the mall last week. Now I’m going to go to hell if I die before finding a priest for confession.

You see, thoughts are no problem for you Jews and other Christians. All it takes for eternal damnation for us Catholics, though, is a single thought.

Let me tell you. Speaking for myself, I’m not about to go to let myself be sent to hell over a damn thought, if you get my drift.

You Jewish folks out there just have to accept the fact that when it comes to guilt, there’s no contest. We Catholics trounce the daylights out of you when it comes to some of the best guilt trips known to humanity.

And, let me clear up something else while I’m at it. Catholic women are INDEED permitted to have orgasms, but the permission is subject to certain conditions.

First, an orgasm must be the result of sexual intercourse in the standard missionary position—man on top. Absolutely NO MASTURBATION.

According to every Nun I’ve ever spoken with, not only will God send you to hell for this, you’ll be blind when you get there.

Second, she may NOT, no matter what else happens, enjoy it. She is even prohibited from expressing any pleasure whatsoever, especially to the man on top of her. She is permitted to express non-sexual thoughts only, such as, “Are you done yet?”

The man, however, has no such restrictions. He is perfectly free to climb Mt. Ecstasy to its summit, all the while breathing heavily and snorting all sorts of stuff as he lets it rip. However—this is critically important—he MUST pull out immediately after HE ejaculates. Otherwise, according to the rules, God’s going to be pissed.

Furthermore, the Catholic rules of sexual engagement require that he immediately roll over, fall into a coma-like sleep, and snore the rest of the night—loudly enough to keep people awake for miles around.

So, rest easy all of you Catholic women. You are free to orgasm all you want. Just don’t even think about enjoying it. And, STOP blaming us MEN for the fact that WE don’t want to talk AFTERWARDS.

We can’t. GOD, not us, forbids it. It’s right there in the annals of Catholic Theology. Google it if you don’t believe me. What are you trying to do: instigate another one of those “apple-eating” scandals? Didn’t you cause enough trouble the first time?

Hopefully everyone will better understand this matter now. I’ll be back next week… unless I die and go to hell first.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.