Yo, God! Gotta minute?

By Joseph Walther

Let me cut right to the chase here, God. Running THE universe—and for all we know, any number of parallel universes—has to be a tiring job of monumental proportions. Although… I have to say that the folks who claim to know you personally (about 75% worldwide, about 83% in the United States) swear that you’re up to the task.

Yes, I’ve heard that you’re omniscient, omnipotent, and omnipresent. Still, with all the crap that’s going on in this world, I have to wonder about your qualifications, and ever more often, whether you exist at all.

I know! You’re going to tell me that there is far more good in the world than bad. I concede this, but certainly you have to admit that the range between these two forces is closing, and pretty fast, too. I tell you; it’s downright scary.

Let me pick just one teensy theory that has become a perpetual pissing contest between regressive religion and reductionist science.

Oh stop rolling your eyes like that. You’re the one who allegedly gave me a brain with its reasoning capabilities. So, don’t go getting all pissy because I’ve opted to use it.

Evolution! Nothing raises the neck hackles between the “we came from monkeys” and the “no we didn’t” gangs. When you stand back and listen to these two extreme factions rag on each other, it’s reminiscent of a not too intelligent debate between the naively trustful and the pathologically paranoid.

What blows ME away about all of this bickering is the fact that only a virtual handful of people doubt the scientific evidence of planet Earth’s evolutionary history or our place in an unimaginably vast universe over an incomprehensibly immense timeframe.

No! Surprisingly, the real fight doesn’t begin until we get to the HUMAN part of the theory, especially the part about the monkeys. It seems that we just can’t have this.

“We came from MONKEYS!? Eweeeeeeeee!” Multitudes—measured in billions, worldwide—don’t believe their distant ancestors were monkeys. And, you know what, God? I don’t care one way or the other. If my distant ancestors were monkeys, I can’t do a thing about it at this point.

All I know is that I’m not a monkey NOW. None of us are; nor have we been for a very long time. Yes, some of us have monkey-like intellects—politicians, for example. But this is irrelevant to the issue.

About a hundred and fifty-years ago, Charles Darwin published his evolution theory in a book called On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection. It was 1859 to be exact.

Since then, even though the general public is unaware of them, countless refinements and qualifications have redefined the theory, making it one of the most robust theories ever published, albeit a most controversial one.

Regardless, whether we like it or not, by now it ranks right up there with Einstein’s theories of Relativity, both General and Special.

Then, in 1871, he published another book titled, The Descent of Man. You can check it out here. While his original theory consisted of pure biology and paleontology, the nuts and bolts of where we came from and how and why, so to speak, this one was different.

His second book addressed the purely human level of evolution. While it did not deny the tenets he established in his initial theory, it did reveal another side of Darwin’s theory: the human side. It also revealed a very human side of Darwin, himself.

However, thanks to the age-old, black and white competition between regressive religion and reductionist science, Darwin’s true feelings relative to the human aspect of evolution have been distorted beyond recognition.

For close to 150-years we’ve used the biology and paleontology of our origins as excuses for being complete assholes. Scientific reductionists have a huge infatuation with snotty-sounding, sophisticated terms.

“Evolutionary imperative” is one of their favorites. You’re probably more familiar with the term, “genetic hardwiring.” Don’t worry about it, though; they’re just different words that express the same idea.

They both imply that we humans are powerless to control our impulses. They’ve been the fuel that has powered the drive behind rationalizing our lack of shame in publically fondling ourselves while flinging our feces all over the planet. After all, monkeys will be monkeys.

I am a man. My background is science. As such, I understand the worlds of atoms, quarks, strong and weak forces, and dark matter.

As a man of science, I also understand how imbibing in too much Kickapoo Joy Juice can, sometimes, cause female monkeys to look pretty good. So, it’s conceivable, at least to me, that we may have come from monkeys. But, this is immaterial to my point.

That point being, we have to get past this monkey business and the associated pissing contest between the regressive religious fanatics who deny ALL scientific tenets and their reductionist science counterparts who have persistently wallowed in a ritual of mental masturbatory conduct over evolution’s biology component.

Accept or reject that we came from monkeys, whatever floats your boat. But, accept the reality that we are NOT monkeys NOW. We are humans, capable of self-awareness. We can reason. We can DECIDE what’s trivial and what’s important. We can love and display empathy for other humans and, for that matter, every species on this planet.

This is what makes humans special, whether there is a God or not. Natural, catastrophic events notwithstanding, this is also what will determine how long we survive as a species. It’s not just about biology and paleontology. It really isn’t! It never has been.

Darwin’s OTHER book, The Descent of Man, explains this idea. It defines the human side of evolution. It shows us that we can choose one of two courses for our species.

We can continue permitting regressive religion and reductionist science, as we have for the past 150-years, to set our agenda, one based on a media driven orgy of fear. We can continue believing that we are victims of our own selfish, killer-genes, all of which are beyond our control, thanks to “evolutionary imperatives.”

Or, we can choose to supplement the biology part of evolution with a human element that permits love and kindness to balance the violence of “genetic hardwiring” and instills genuine hope to balance the despair born out of illogical fear.

We can do this, but we have to get past the monkey stuff first. In the end it does not matter whether there is a God or not, whether we came from monkeys or not. There either is a God or there isn’t. We either came from monkeys or we didn’t. In the absence of verifiable proof either way, we can’t do anything about it.

Finally, here is some advice for you men. Whenever you are horny, stay off the Kickapoo Joy Juice. If it is impossible for you to do this, for God’s sake stay the hell out of the monkey house! And, on that note, assuming that we don’t extinct ourselves beforehand, I’ll be back next week.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.