OK! But ONLY because it's Christmas

By Joseph Walther

For many people, most applicably this writer, using the newest, faddist, and most recently declared GREATEST electronic gadget is the SECOND most incredible feeling male humans can experience. I subscribe to at least 30-electronic product newsletters; each arriving in my inbox chocked full of “gotta haves.” Trust me; I know what I’m talking about.

People flock around me for advice on the newest and greatest stuff to buy. Computers! Digital Cameras! Cell Phones! MP3 Players! Digital Voice Recorders! Vibrators! You name it and people have asked me about it.

I was in Best Buys^® last Tuesday afternoon. A sales associate had approached a potential customer and had just popped the magic question: “May I help you?” Yes, rare as it is, it still happens occasionally.

The customer, probably in shock, gushed, “Oh, God, I hope so. I’m looking for a digital camera with a lot of megapixels for my wife for Christmas and I’m clueless.”

The sales associate then asked the ultimate sucker question, “How much did you want to spend?” The customer, in the tradition of the truly clueless, responded with, “Not too much. I’d like to keep it under $500.”

With that, the “associate” stepped back a pace or two and picked up an Olympus SP-560-UZ. “This is one of the best cameras on the market,” he said; “and, it’s on sale for only $459.99!”

The man appeared to be in his mid- to late 50s. But, as nice and sincere as he appeared, the only thing missing was a lollipop wrapper covering his head and tightly twist-wrapped around his neck.

My spoiler instinct kicked in immediately. “NOT ON MY WATCH,” I whispered under my breath. “I own this model,” I said to the man. “What would you like to know about it?”

At this point, the store “associate” excused himself to wait on another customer, a much younger customer, female with perky breasts and firm… SORRY, I digress too much sometimes.

Though I cursed myself for intervening too soon, I continued my resolve to help this man just the same.

As the sales associate schmoozed with his younger, perky-breasted, bubbly-voiced customer, I tore my eyes away and pulled the older guy aside; describing the two most egregious consumer felonies customers could possibly commit: telling salespeople how much they’re willing to spend and admitting their cluelessness.

In less than 2-minutes of conversation, I learned that his wife’s total camera experience was restricted to those disposable 35mm cameras sold at drug stores and department stores such as Target, and K-mart. His experience, I also learned, was not quite as extensive as hers.

I asked him if he had a home computer with email and an Internet connection. He said that he did and that both he and his wife were more familiar with the Internet than with digital cameras.

I’m not going into the entire lesson on digital cameras that I shared with him. But, in summary, here are the features that people should look for in a FIRST digital camera purchase.

Sadly, sales people tend to overlook most of the absolute, practical features, while overemphasizing much of the relative and/or useless stuff.

Take megapixels for example. We’ve been brain washed when it comes to megapixels. We’re convinced that the more megapixels there are the better the camera. This is a myth that all camera manufactures love to perpetuate because more megapixels mean higher purchase prices.

However, once people learn the role that megapixels play in the total quality aspects of digital cameras, they discover that the importance of large megapixel counts is relative to what you want from the camera.

The most popular print size for digital prints is 4x6 with an occasional 8x10. While it’s true that megapixels determine image quality, it’s also true that they are more relevant to print quality. The higher the number of megapixels, the more you can enlarge the image for printing without distortion.

For prints of 4x6 and those occasional 8x10s, between 4- and 6-megapixels is more than sufficient. It also lowers the price of the camera. Four to six megapixels will provide great screen image quality as well as provide for image enlargements without quality distortion when printing your pictures.

Also, forget DIGITAL zoom. It’s a software matter that comes into play during the cropping of images or their screen resizing. What IS critical to camera users is OPTICAL zoom. Standard optical zoom for point and shoot digitals is 3x or, more rarely, 5x.

Again, manufacturers do a lousy job of explaining optical zoom. Most people understand that a zoom feature brings a subject closer to the camera. I heard one sales associate at CompUSA explain that 3x brings the subject three times closer.

Wow, that’s clear, but um… three times closer than what AND from where? Here’s a down and dirty explanation. Divide the distance to the subject by the optical zoom number.

In other words, if your subject is 100-yards away, a 3x optical zoom will make it seem like it is only 33 yards away. If the optical zoom is 5x, the subject will seem to be only 20-yards away. A 10x optical zoom will make it seem like your subject is only 10-yards away.

Most point and shoot digitals do not have viewfinders. You just look through the LCD monitor; focus in on the subject; and take the picture. A viewfinder is only important if you take many pictures in very bright light, such as sun glare-like brightness at the beach.

The last technical features that you should look at are shutter lag and optical image stabilization. These are important.

Blurring, especially in low light conditions, is caused by natural handshake. I don’t mean overt handshaking, as in suffering from a hangover, but rather a natural, subtly undetectable handshake that comes from the simple act of trying to hold a camera still. It happens and it blurs the image.

It’s enough to drive you crazy, to maybe start drinking; resulting in some of that overt, hung-over handshaking I referred to above!

Built-in optical image stabilization overcomes this, for the most part, using gyroscopic sensors and floating elements in the lens. So always look for a digital camera that has this feature.

BUT NOTE! It does NOT overcome handshake from hangovers. You’ll need cocaine for this, or, at the very least, some high-quality pot that ONLY Leroy sells… outside the police station… downtown.

If shutter lag is too long, you’ll end up missing some great shots, especially those evidence shots involving small children putting peanut butter and jelly sandwiches into the VCR slot.

So, whatever you do, be sure to buy a digital camera with a shutter speed less than one half a second. You won’t regret it.

Finally, find a digital camera that is easy to use. It does not matter how technically GREAT a camera is. If it’s too difficult to learn, you’ll not use it. Conversely, no matter how easy a camera is to use, if it takes crappy pictures, you’re not going to use it, either. So look for balance.

That Olympus SP-560-UZ, you know… the one the sales associate mentioned above… has all of these features and tons more. It’s optical zoom is 18x, to boot. On sale notwithstanding, $460 is a lot of money for something with this kind of power, most of which you’ll not be using.

You can buy a compact Olympus Stylus-740 with just the right number of features (no viewfinder) with a 5x optical zoom, the proper shutter speed, and optical image stabilization for MUCH less. And, it will fit inside one of your wife’s smaller purses—I think they call them clutches.

You can buy one at www.amazon.com for $237.87, with free delivery before Christmas. Your wife will LOVE it because it’s so easy to use, especially the self-portrait/timing features. And, if you apply the savings in some Christmas Eve champagne, she may even let you experience the FIRST most incredible feeling that male humans can experience!

I mean, with the new camera, you might even decide to take pictures. Personally, I wouldn’t, but if you do, you should know that proper use of the auto-timer feature is critical, unless you invite a “friend.”

You’ll also need an optional tripod (absolutely eliminates camera shake) and lots of dooby vapor (eliminates ALL semblance of fear, embarrassment, and common sense). BOTH are sold separately, of course—just call Leroy.

He can probably get you a good deal on the tripod if you buy the doobies from him. In fact, he might provide the stuff for free if you let HIM be the “friend.”

In any event, have a great holiday, no matter what you call yours. Be safe and I’ll be back next week.

Oh, by the way, if too much dooby vapor and champagne cause you to take pictures ANYWAY, don’t post them on YouTube. It might prove quite costly. I’ll try to cover the procedure in a later column, including some helpful hints on how to keep both the police and the lawyers out of it, especially your wife’s divorce lawyer.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.