Women are SOOOOOOO different from men! RIGHT?!

By Joseph Walther

I am NOT lying! I had planned to write about a very serious matter this week involving a trial judge’s prerogative of leniency at sentencing time in criminal trials. However, yesterday, September 15^th, something—of even greater precedence—happened that made me change topics: a fistfight between 15-year-old Brad and 16-year-old Jeremy.

At a high school football game, the two sat directly in front of me, so I heard their conversation as clearly as a hungry, well-trained dog can hear an electric can opener from two blocks away.

Jeremy said some fightin’ words to Brad. Brad said something unflattering about Jeremy and, with no warning at all, punched him in the face. Jeremy returned a punch of his own to Brad’s chest, along with some uncomplimentary comments about Brad’s mother.

It was awful! The two of them began flailing punches and oral accusations with abandon. Male hormones were going berserk and testosterone was oozing all over the place.

From the gist of their respective verbal salvos at each other, we witnesses had ample reason to assume that neither of their respective sets of parents was married at the time they gave birth to these boys. Both boys repeatedly said so.

Each accused the other of a particular fondness for administering oral sex on other males. They were very emphatic about this, too. They leveled multiple accusations of such activity with a vulgar casualness that only intellectual cripples can display.

I risked my 65-year-old butt by inserting myself between the two of them. A couple of other men came to my aid and we managed to drag them out of their row and down the stadium stairs, just to the side of the bleacher section.

Once separated, Brad called Jeremy a fornicating, penis-loving wussy (He didn’t actually say “fornicating,” “penis,” or “wussy,” if you get my drift.). He then proceeded to stomp off into the stadium parking lot with Jeremy following at a distance.

But, as we all suspected, within another 30-seconds or so, the two were at it again. This time, however, one of New Castle County’s finest came out of nowhere to intervene.

Unfortunately, neither boy seemed to have ever heard of “well enough,” not to mention leaving it alone.

As several of us watched from the stands, the officer proceeded to separate the two combatants. He seemed to have them under control when, suddenly, the two boys must have said something unflattering to him. He did NOT seem amused, either.

While I can’t be certain, based on the language they used on us back in the stands, I’ll wager it had something to with an invitation for the officer to perform an oral sex act on them and, perhaps, an additional reference to the marital status of the officer’s parents at the time of his (the officer’s) birth.

Whatever they said, it was mood dampening. The officer immediately lost all semblances of joviality and potential good will relative to these teenagers.

I swear I saw fire shoot from that officer’s eyes—like lightning bolts—into the faces of those boys. He was like the Hulk. Remember him? Only this officer didn’t turn green.

But, like the Hulk, his triceps and back muscles bulged out (along with the veins in his forehead and temples). His shirt didn’t tear into shreds, but I swear I could hear the stitches giving way.

I’m not exaggerating. At least 6-other people swear that they saw the same thing! It was scary as hell, but those boys were just too stupid to be afraid.

In a single, unbelievably agile, sweeping motion, he grabbed both boys behind their backs by the waistbands of their jeans; lifted them off the ground; and dropped them, hard, onto their stomachs.

He had immobilized the two of them when, out of nowhere, another officer arrived to help him.

But, unlike the Hulk, who always ran away at the sound of sirens, he stuck around. Both officers secured the boys in handcuffs and put them into the back seat of their respective patrol cars.

By now, some eyewitnesses had arrived to speak with the police officers. After taking some witness statements, the officers spoke briefly to each other. Upon completion of the conversation, they gave both boys a free ride to County Police Headquarters.

As I said, these boys sat directly in front of me. I heard every word of their conversation. Prepare to be shocked, though. In ten lifetimes, you’ll never guess what planet-shattering event started the fight. You are going to laugh and laugh when I tell you.

I’m going to have to paraphrase here because many people read my stuff. Some of them may be Nuns. So bear with me and use your imaginations relative to the terms I’ve used. And please, you youngsters who are reading this, make sure you explain it to your parents.

Referring to the “other” quarterback, Jeremy said; “Your brother throws like a fornicating girl.” Brad jumped up, turned toward Jeremy, and punched him in the face while saying; “You suck your old man’s…” OK, you get the idea.

The two of them ended up under arrest, charged with third degree assault, assaulting a police officer, resisting arrest, along with a host of other stuff aimed at encouraging a viable plea bargain for both sides.

Granted, the fight started over a matter of epic macho importance, but just the same, a juvenile criminal record is nothing to sneeze at.

It would be great if the court makes both of these dimwits take a course in anatomy and physiology, along with a court mandated research paper on the various idiosyncrasies of male versus female throwing abilities.

Here’s something they’d find out, assuming they’d NOT have to take a remedial reading course first.

Jack Wilmore and David Costill, two experts on sports physiology wrote a textbook, Training for Sport and Activity: The Physiological Basis of the Conditioning Process. It’s become a sort of trainer’s bible.

I’m not going to go into the details of it here, but paraphrasing, they concluded that males’ previous experience and practice at dominant arm throwing makes it look like males were “born” to throw but females were not.

They proved their point by setting up a significant research study that required male throwers to throw a softball using their non-dominant arm. Under such conditions, both males and females threw with equal capability.

That’s right, males and females of similar ages and physiques threw balls with equal capability when the males used their non-dominant arm to throw. Why? Males didn’t have the advantage of previous experience and practice of throwing with their dominant arm.

It seems that females, by tradition, are not generally encouraged to throw balls and stuff, not being very lady-like conduct and all… However, when trainers teach the females to throw stuff with their dominant arms, along with the associated practice, females can throw with an amazing ability that is equal to that of their male counterparts.

Who would have guessed it? Live and learn, I always say. I’ll bet these two hormone-crazed dudes won’t soon forget it.

Even though I had intended to write about sentence leniency, not all may be lost on these two kids and their stupidity. We may, yet, see a demonstration of judicial leniency when it comes time to punish these two kids, having received serious wounds meted out by the bullet of overabundant hormone-induced impulsiveness.

It’s all going to depend on whether they draw a “boy” judge or a “girl” judge and whether she still throws like a “girl.” We’ll have to wait and see. Paybacks are hell, no matter how you throw. Next week, same time and channel.

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.