You feigned WHAT?!

 

By Joseph Walther

 

“Oh my Gawd! We’re all gonna get kilt.” This is exactly what he said and he seemed genuinely concerned about it, too. Not that glaze-eyed, call the loony bin nuts sort of concern, but rather a tad expressively distraught, but sincere type of concern. I think the people sitting around him wanted to ask about it, but, hey, why get involved.

 

            He didn’t say it in an alarming, frantic way. He had finished reading a newspaper article. As he placed it on top of his well-worn bible, he just sort of uttered it in a matter of fact way. But, it was just loud enough for others to hear him.

 

            No one has ever accused me of being shy, and smelling a potential column, I couldn’t resist a chance to interview the man. So, with pizza slice in hand, I moved over towards his table, introduced myself, and asked him to tell me about it. As I sat down, he extended his hand to shake mine and said, “I’m Duane Washington.” As I shook hands with him, I said, “I’m Joe Walther and I’m glad to meet you, Mr. Washington.”

 

            He told me to call him Duane. I told him to call me Joe. He said he was a minister. I didn’t ask for specifics. He struck me as a genuine, sincere, bible carrying, come-to-Jesus fire-‘n-brimstoner, whose flock is wherever he happens to be, at the moment. And, where he happened to be was Mamma Gina’s Pizza Parlor at the New Castle Farmers Market just south of Wilmington, Delaware.

 

            My regular readers know that I partake of my share of Mamma Gina’s pizza. It’s good stuff. They’ll also recall several columns that I wrote about Earl Swiggmon. Earl, unlike Reverend Washington, is not what you’d call a monument to wisdom. Duane Washington, on the other hand, seemed quite affable and definitely in possession of a 3-digit IQ. Also, Earl, they’ll recall, does not trust Republicans and blames every human social evil, EVER, on George Bush.

 

            I’ll be writing more columns about Earl later. Unfortunately, he’s in a world of hurt right now because he’s in jail. Bush’s fault, no doubt!

 

            “How do you know that someone or something is going to kill all of us?” I asked. “Have you ever heard of the 700-Club?” he asked in return. My immediate thought was, “Uh oh, God’s been talking to Pat Robertson again.” Digging deep within my vault of self-restraint, I stifled a laugh. Instead, I explained that I had heard of it and also about Pat Robertson. “What did Pat say?’ I asked. He handed me an Associated Press printout dated January 3, 2007. It was a short blurb quoting some things Rev. Pat had said. You may wish to make some notes and prepare accordingly.

 

            Paraphrasing a bit, the article related that Pat Robertson had said that God told him terrorists would strike the United States in late 2007, resulting in “mass killing.” Continuing, the article quoted him as saying, “I’m not necessarily saying it’s going to be nuclear.” The quote went on, “The Lord didn’t say nuclear. But I do believe it will be something like that.” Oh, the article also quoted Robertson as saying that God told him the “U. S. only feigns friendship with Israel and that U. S. policies are pushing Israel toward ‘national suicide.’”

 

            “Wow,” I said, shaking my head and sliding the article back towards him. “Do you know what really scares me about that article, Duane?” Before he could answer, I said, “It’s not WHAT Robertson said, it’s the facts that one, the Associated Press gave this cretin a measure of credibility by printing it and, two, that YOU, Duane, seem concerned about it; you may even believe it.” He told me, “The thought of additional attacks here in the United States has crossed my mind a few times. It’s a possibility. You have to admit that much.”

 

            First, I don’t think that God, if He wanted to speak to the human race, would do it through a self-aggrandizing twit like Pat Robertson. Sometimes I flip through the TV channels late at night looking for intelligent life. Inevitably, his squinty-eyed face flashes before me. Two things happen immediately. First, I think of how consistently he misses golden opportunities simply to shut the hell up. Second, my gag reflex kicks in, and I change channels as quickly as I can before I throw up.

 

            Of course there’s a possibility for more attacks inside the United States. So what? That possibility has always existed. I’m not going to let it govern my life, though. In spite of what the current administration tells us, terror is a tactic. I’m not sure how we overcome it. Trying to impose our way on the rest of the world, won’t do it. Every civilization that’s tried it, ultimately failed. History is replete with examples.

 

            But, I digress. Back to my point. I don’t believe God spoke to Pat Robertson, this time or ever. I just can’t picture God using a word like feign. School board members use it. Educational administrators, at all levels, use it. Intellectuals LOVE to use it. But God, NEVER! You know why? Because regular people never use it. They use words like fake or phony, or pretend, or make believe. Regular people outnumber the others by a margin of, at least, 10,000 to 1. So, if God wanted to make a point, He’d use regular words.

 

            So, feign is THE dead give away. I mean, think about it. How many wives or girl friends get mad at their significant other and say, “Oh yeah, dippy, well, I’ve been feigning my orgasms for years.” It sounds so phony. Downright stupid, in fact. No! They would use the word faking. They’d use faking because every man knows what faking means, especially in this context. The male reaction is instant and devastating, manhood wise, if you get my drift.

 

            I am going to receive a lot of hate email by saying this, but I don’t care. Someone has to say it. Pat Robertson proves, every time he opens his mouth, that sincerity and stupidity are mutually exclusive. Regular people have been talking to God since the beginning of time. There’s nothing wrong with it. However, when regular people admit to hearing God talking back, others look at them as if they’re nuts. Sometimes, they even end up in padded rooms, using blunt edged scissors to make rags.

 

            The media—print and electronic—prove that they’ll report anything for ratings every time they quote people like Robertson. And, the fact that ratings go up as a result of this, proves the diminishing collective IQ of the human race. Perhaps George Carlin is correct and we’re already circling the drain of extinction.

 

            Listen up. God granted MEN the ability and thrill of competing in pissing contests because he gave them the facility to pee standing upright. He did this at Adam’s insistence. That’s right. Adam, a MAN, was that tight with God that he was able to ensure that future generations of men would always be able to enjoy the thrill of seeing who could shoot a pee stream the greatest distance. Yep, you women lost that one. You had to settle for being able to experience multiple orgasms. Trust me! A God like this is not going to go around using words like feign! And, you women! Let this be a lesson. Don’t even try to challenge us men when it comes to being in tight with God.

 

Have a great week. Check in next week, same channel, day, and time.

 

Joseph Walther is a freelance writer and publisher of The True Facts. Copyright laws apply to all material on this site. Send your comments. Just click here.